Harry Redknapp signs £11m defender on deadline day ‘for old time’s sake’

A friend of Harry Redknapp has revealed the former Tottenham, West Ham and Portsmouth manager got so carried away watching transfer deadline day at home that he signed a £11m defender.

Redknapp was watching Sky Sports News with friends when news was announced that West Brom had upped a bid on Zenit St Petersburg’s Belgian centre-back Nicolas Lombaerts to £7m.

According to the friend, Redknapp immediately jumped up from his sofa and said: “Seven million, what are they playing at? He’s worth 10 million min. Get me his agent on the phone!”

The friend assumed Redknapp was trying to broker a better deal for the player and googled the agent’s details.

The legendary transfer wheeler-dealer then dialled the agent and said: “I’m making a bid for 11 million, but only if you get him to my back garden in 45 minutes.”

The friend says he assumed the deal was not in relation to Redknapp’s current job as director of Wimborne Town.

The friend said: “But Harry, you’re not even a – ” but avoided finishing the sentence with ‘manager anymore’ after seeing a glint of sadness in Redknapp’s eyes.

He was even more stunned when a helicopter landed in Redknapp’s garden 38 minutes later.

He tried to warn Redknapp, saying: “Come on Harry, this is getting silly now. Where on earth are you going to get 12 million from?”

Redknapp thought for a second before saying: “Well I’ve still got some of Rosie’s inheritance to spend [referring to his dog who had a bank account in Monaco named after him].

“Plus, look at the size of him” he said, pointing to the player in the helicopter, “I can sell him on for 15 million in the summer no problem.”

Image courtesy of Kafuffle via Wikimedia Commons

Transfer deadline day ‘crap unless you like unknown footballers and big numbers’

75% of football fans reckon transfer deadline day is a big pile of over-hyped crap, unless you happen to enjoy reading about footballers you’ve never heard of and very large sums of money.

The survey of four fans did find that 25% reckon transfer deadline day to be the most exciting day of the year. As it actually happens twice a year, that answer was deemed to be incorrect, however.

This year’s January transfer deadline day is expected to focus on a battle between Sunderland and Crystal Palace to prove who is the most desperate to pick up panic buys in the hope this will steer them away from the relegation zone.

Other highlights include teams at the top end of the table trying to offload deadwood – such as Chelsea giving away Branislav Ivanovic and Liverpool selling Mamadou Sakho.

Tom Wilson, a software developer from London, summed up the mood of the sceptical majority by saying: “The guy who sits behind me in the office was following a live transfer blog which saved me the hassle. Frankly, with the US in crisis and a fantasy team to update before Liverpool v Chelsea tonight, I can’t be arsed with another sodding deadline day.

“He was just saying that it looks like Palace are going to sign Luca somebody. He couldn’t even pronounce his surname. He read the fee out, but I can’t remember if it was five, 12 or 25 million – it all means nothing to me.

“I never know if any of these players are actually going to make an impact in the Premier League, but I have a clever way of finding out – waiting to watch the actual football.”

Image courtesy of Michael Kjaer via Wikimedia Commons

Liverpool fan who bored colleagues with constant Klopp praise now strangely silent

A Liverpool fan who has been boring work colleagues over the past year with his constant praise for Jurgen Klopp was today unusually quiet.

Workmates of Tom Wilson, an accountant at an industrial bearings company in the South of England, say they are used to him taking any possible opportunity to voice his approval of the Liverpool manager.

For instance, on being asked in the office canteen if he had a good weekend, Wilson would often launch a brief rant about how Klopp is a master of attacking football who is going to sort out the Reds’ leaky defence to help the club to conquer the world.

These monologues would usually end with “if anyone can, Kloppo can. He’ll just gegenpress it!”

Colleagues say if you then asked Wilson how his lunch was, he would usually joke: “Klopp-tastic!”

A colleague reported that Wilson was in a very different, more sombre mood today, however. This could be linked to Liverpool winning just one of their past eight matches.

Wilson was pacing around the canteen, white in the face, and frequently stopping by the window to look up into the sky. At other times he stared at his watch.

“What are you looking at?” asked the colleague when Wilson stopped by the window.

“I’m looking out for Sadio’s plane,” he said. “It’s due to land in the next half an hour.”

He then placed his sands together and whispered: “Sadio, our saviour, may the Almighty protect you, and help you delivereth three points on Tuesday!”

Image courtesy of Paul Robinson via Wikimedia Commons

 

Transfer window to stay open as ‘super agent’ Jorge Mendes has a cold

FIFA says that it will keep the January transfer window open for a few days into February as Jorge Mendes is suffering from a cold.

The so-called super agent, who counts Ronaldo, Jose Mourinho, Diego Costa and David de Gea among his clients, fell ill after completing his 71st transfer of the month last week – the sale of Benfica’s groundskeeper Luis Mouher to Chinese Super League side Beijing Terracotta Wanderers.

FIFA president Gianni Infantino says the world’s governing body decided to act after realising a number of big-money deals could fall through without Jorge Mendes’s involvement.

Infantino says: “We need to keep the window open longer as combined transfer fees in Europe have barely even broken the £500m mark. I know, it’s pathetic!

“All this saving, or hoarding as I call it, just can’t be good for the game. I hope Jorge gets well bloody soon!”

A source close to Mendes says he has been making the most of his time off by putting the final touches to the squads of the French second division from his mountain-top retreat.

As soon as he feels better he will ring the managers of Ligue 2 to let them know who will be in their squad for their next game, and which of their players need to arrange a helicopter to join a rival.

Image courtesy of Blatant World via Twitter

 

 

 

Donald Trump reveals he supports Rotherham United

New US President Donald Trump declared yesterday after a joint press conference with the Prime Minister that he supports Championship strugglers Rotherham.

The news that Trump is a Millers’ fan surprised the media representatives.

He claims to have fallen in love with the town when visiting in 1998 in an ill-fated attempt to turn Yorkshire into a giant golf course.

“Man I love Rotherham. I adore that club” said Trump. “I know they’ve got a great guy in charge there, Shane Warne, and he’s going to do some wonderful things.”

Rotherham are currently bottom of the Championship, nine points shy of breaking out of the relegation zone.

Trump blamed the club’s transfer policy for their current plight.

“It can’t be the case any longer that our best players are being taken by Blackburn and Cyprus. That has to stop. Enough. We’re Rotherham!

“If we’d kept Matty Derbyshire in the summer we’d be at least in the Champions League by now.”

Trump then praised the club’s fans, saying they were the best in the world.

“Jeez how many did we take to Elland Road the other week, 500,000? That tells you everything you need to know about how great the Rotherham supporters are.”

Trump said he remained optimistic in the squad’s talents.

“We just gotta win another 20 or 30 games this season and we’ll make the play-offs easy. That’ll be no problem.”

While many Rotherham fans might be pleased for the club have gained a powerful new follower, question marks were raised about whether Trump’s support is linked to his business dealings with the Millers’ other famous fans, the Chuckle Brothers.

Trump signed an executive order last week to purchase £500m of ‘Chuckle Brothers: The Best Bits’ DVDs, apparently so that they can be shown when interrogating inmates at Guantanamo Bay.

Image courtesy of Ali Shaker/VOA via Wikimedia Commons

Real Madrid to allow Ronaldo to take selfies during matches

Real Madrid are prepared to offer Cristiano Ronaldo the chance to take selfies during matches as part of a new contract.

The new deal has been proposed after Chinese clubs this month made a series of world-record bids for the four-time Ballon d’Or winner.

Ronaldo has picked up a massive following on Instagram, but many of his millions of fans have complained about the lack of updates during matches.

The Portuguese legend even went close to three hours without posting any photos in October after a Copa del Rey match in Granda went to extra time.

The move promises to be controversial, but Read Madrid are confident there is nothing in the rules of Spanish football forbidding selfie-taking on the pitch.

La Liga rules do not allow footballers to take objects to the field that may give them an advantage, such as a bionic extra leg.

There is nothing to expressly forbid selfies though, according to an insider at the Bernabeu.

The source said that Real coach Zinedine Zidane approves of the idea, and is set to appoint a team-mate to carry a selfie stick in their socks to help Ronaldo photograph himself – Gareth Bale is said to be an early favourite for this, once he recovers from injury.

Zidane is confident that Ronaldo will not use his phone camera during open play and will mostly deploy it while celebrating goals.

Real Madrid are also seeking to discuss with the Spanish FA whether Ronaldo can be permitted to remove his shirt on the pitch when taking a selfie without being shown a yellow card.

The club point out that his topless selfies get five times as many likes.

Image courtesy of Ruben Ortega via Wikimedia Commons

Arsene Wenger studies menu for 30 mins in top restaurant, orders chips

Arsene Wenger studied the menu for 30 minutes in a posh North London restaurant on Tuesday before ordering a plate of chips.

Inside the Far Post sat down with Wenger at the Belle Coutin in Islington to celebrate our recent launch.

“Ah what a great life it is as a Premier League manager,” said a smiling Wenger on greeting us.

“We’re second in the league and I can go to fantastic restaurants like this whenever I want.”

After studying the wine list for several minutes, Wenger said: “Did you know that this is the only place in London where you can find a 1974 Bordeaux? An exquisite, world class wine.

“But I am going home to take notes on a Belgian league match later, so I’ll have to go for a tap water.”

Wenger then picked up the food menu and spent an unusual length of time reading through the options. He then looked up and said:

“Ah, they have real Hyogo Kobe beef steak. The very finest in the world – no question. You are best avoiding red meat when you get to my age though.

“As for their seafood risotto though, it’s even more succulent than the ones they serve on the Cote d’Azur. Always a little greasy though, Risotto, so maybe not this time.

“Marinated Scottish salmon. You can’t go wrong with salmon – it’s crisp, tasty and easy on the stomach. Personally I am against salmon farming though; it’s a horrible practice.”

A waiter then appeared at the table, with Wenger ordering a plate of chips.

“How much is a plate of chips here?” he then asked us. “I forgot to check, damn. Do you think you can take a menu off the next table and have a look?”

We then informed Wenger that chips were £6 per portion.

“Six quid for chips!” he said “That tells you everything that is wrong with London these days; it’s crazy.”

When the chips arrived, Wenger stuffed a few in his mouth, then said “sorry, I do apologise, but I have to go as I’m looking after Alexis Sanchez’s dog at the moment.”

He left us with the remaining chips, and the bill.

Image courtesy of Rajasekharan Parameswaran via Wikimedia Commons

Saido Berahino ‘no longer knows what a football is’

Stoke City new signing Saido Berahino is having to be reintroduced to the very basics of football after a miserable past 18 months at West Brom.

Berahino suffered what experts say is the most severe case of ‘transfer window blues’ ever witnessed.

In August 2015 he tried to force a move away from the Hawthorns, only for West Brom to keep him, outcast him and see his form wilt away.

Berahino is now well short of match fitness having signed for Stoke for £15m last week.

A Stoke insider said that Mark Hughes ordered Berahino to train individually for the time being.

Having completed a jogging session on his first day at Stoke, Hughes then laid some cones out and asked Berahino to fetch a ball and dribble around them.

“Saido just stood on the spot smiling. Hughesy smiled back at first, but then he said ‘Off you go, get a ball!’ ”

The insider says Berahino remained stood there, before asking: “A ball? What’s a ball?”

At this stage Mark Hughes realised he was pushing his new signing too far, and ordered him to watch the rest of the players.

By the time Inside the Far Post went to press on Wednesday lunchtime, there were signs Berahino was understanding the basic principles of the game.

“So what you have to do is get this ball thing, ignore all these so-called skilful midfielders and whack it up to Peter Crouch?” he told a friend.

Image courtesy of Warwick Gastinger via Wikimedia Commons

Hannibal Lecter angered by Pepe comparison

Fictional cannibal Hannibal Lecter has reacted angrily to the news that a Spanish TV station compared him to Real Madrid defender Pepe.

Real Madrid had a claim for €6m in compensation thrown out by Spain’s supreme court after TV3 depicted Pepe wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask.

Disappointingly, the judge did not order Pepe to play the rest of the season with ‘Hannibal’ on the back of his shirt.

Hannibal Lecter said on the phone from his secure psychiatric unit: “I’m disgusted.

“How dare they? I do not like brutes, and I do not like cheats. Hence I do not like Pepe.

“I find his gamesmanship a bit sickening to be honest. When I sit down for a bite to eat while the Champions League and I see that lumbering so-called hard man rolling across the floor at the slightest contact, it makes me want to spit out my steak and liver pie.”

Dr Lecter added that he appreciated the art of tough defending when necessary, but much preferred a John Terry in his prime to the likes of Pepe.

“I hope my man Luis Suarez destroys him in the next Clasico,” added Dr Lecter.

Image courtesy of Football.ua via Wikimedia Commons

Man Utd’s Woodward thrown out of bank for laughing while cashing in £21m Depay cheque

Ed Woodward, who manages Manchester United’s transfer business, has been thrown out of a bank for excessive laughing.

The incident occurred while Woodward was attempting to cash in a £21m cheque from Lyon for the transfer of Memphis Depay.

Depay was rated as one of the top young talents in Europe and billed as the next Ronaldo when signing for Manchester United in 2015, but left the club last week after two goals in 33 appearances.

Tom Wilson, a cashier at the bank, said Woodward began bursting into bouts of laughter while in the queue.

“A couple of people looked around, wondering what he might be laughing at.  He was just looking at the cheque the whole time.”

The situation deteriorated when Woodward started to be served by the cashier and was asked to fill in a paying in slip by writing out ‘twenty-one million pounds’.

Woodward began laughing uncontrollably, saying: “21 million, that’s almost as much as we paid for him”.

He then apparently said: “I was cold calling clubs in China and even they wouldn’t touch him for that much.”

At this point Woodward was rolling on the floor in hysterics and security was called to remove him.

A laughing Woodward then shouted to bank staff while being ejected: “You know what the chairman of Shanghai said: ‘That lazy git – no way!’ Then he hung up.”

Onlookers said tears were streaming down Woodward’s face at this point.

Image courtesy of MattJanzer via Wikimedia Commons