Palace graffiti artist paints intricate passes on Big Sam’s tactics board

The mystery Crystal Palace graffiti artist has struck again – this time by daubing a series of intricate short passes onto Sam Allardyce’s tactics board.

The latest incident came just two days after the Crystal Palace team bus had its team name and colours scrawled on by a graffiti-loving fan.

Crystal Palace insiders say there were a number of shocked faces at the club training ground on Monday as manager Sam Allardyce assembled the first-team for a tactical briefing.

Allardyce did not realise at first that a big arrow he had drawn on with marker pen extending from ten players around the penalty area to a circle representing Christian Benteke had been rubbed out.

In its place were a series of short two-headed arrows between the players, leaving many to scratch their heads.

The graffiti artist had chosen to show James Tomkins, Mamadou Sakho and Luka Milivojevic forming a passing triangle, with full-backs Patrick Van Aanholt and Joel Ward then depicted spinning inside into midfield to receive passes and supply Jason Punchoen.

After laughter broke out among the players, Allardyce realised the mix-up and removed the tactics board.

Allardyce said: “I know it sounds like a laugh, but it’s a very serious situation to think that somebody took it upon themselves to try to sabotage our careful tactical planning for the West Brom game this weekend.”

In separate news, Damien Delaney, who was dropped for the 1-0 win over Middlesbrough on Sunday, turned up to training with blue, red and black streaks over his hands.

Delaney says his hands got dirty when fixing a jammed printer.

Image courtesy of Egghead06 via Wikimedia Commons

Monopoly to rename get out of jail free card as ‘Zlatan Card’

The makers of Monopoly have announced they are to rename the game’s ‘get out of jail free’ card after Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Ibrahimovic struck twice to help Manchester United to a 3-2 victory in the League Cup final despite being outplayed by Southampton.

The company behind Monopoly want to honour Ibrahimovic and liven up their game with a special ‘Zlatan Card’.

As well as allowing players to avoid the £50 release fee when their dog, boot or iron is sent to jail for traffic infringements, a Zlatan Card can also be used to buy any property on the board – apart from Old Kent Road as there is no way Zlatan would be seen there.

If Monopoly players own Mayfair and Park Lane, and build hotels on them both, the Zlatan Card will also enable them to swap these properties for a 5% share in Paul Pogba’s little finger.

Owners of a share of Pogba will then receive royalties from other players every time a card from the ‘chance’ or ‘community chest’ pile says they have referenced Pogba on social media or used his official emoji.

Image courtesy of Football.ua via Wikimedia Commons

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FA to buy some of Zlatan’s confidence and inject it in young English players

“We pick on you because you’re a moany git,” FA tells Mourinho

Living in Manchester doesn’t make you miserable, insist Pep and Mourinho

Oscar winners urged to cut pro-Ranieri rants short

Winners at tonight’s Oscars’ ceremony have been urged by Academy Award bosses to limit outbursts in support of Claudio Ranieri in their acceptance speeches.

While winners at the Hollywood gala traditionally use their time on the podium to thank friends, relatives, colleagues, acquaintances, hairdressers and delivery drivers, there are fears that pro-Ranieri and anti-Leicester remarks will dominate this year’s awards.

Casey Affleck, who is favourite to land the Best Actor award for Manchester by the Sea [in which he plays a young Liam Gallagher on a day trip to Blackpool] is one of a number of stars keen to link the Ranieri saga to the classic 1960 film Sparticus.

Affleck plans to say in his speech: “That movie about an ordinary Roman rising up against all the odds, only to be crushed by the power of his owners, is more relevant today than ever. Just like those brave fellow slaves who volunteered to take their hero’s punishment rather than turn him in, today, I say before you all, I am Claudius Ranierus!”

There are indications that Denzel Washington may be a more popular winner of the Best Actor gong with the organisers.

He is rumoured to want to limit his acceptance speech to just four words: “What Jurgen Klopp said!

Image courtesy of Roberto Vicario via Wikimedia Commons

 

-Other recent Leicester stories on Inside The Far Post:

‘Having a Ranieri’ becomes new term for inevitable failure of ordinary people after brief success

Riyad Mahrez has picnics spoiled by people kicking footballs towards him

Ranieri to try shouting “dilly ding, kick the f***ing thing!” in training

Sutton counting cost of media circus as elephants eat pitch

Sutton United have been left counting the cost of the media circus that descended on the club for Monday’s FA Cup meeting with Arsenal.

The circus has long since upped and gone on to cover elite level football, but only after leaving some substantial damage at Gander Green Lane.

The club’s groundsman was shocked to discover that elephants had eaten large sections of the pitch, which they are now battling to restore in time to host Boreham Wood in the National League on Tuesday.

The circus’s ringmaster, Rupert, said: “It’s unfortunate but I can’t really blame the elephants. They are cramped together in a small cage all year long – someone let them out to graze after the match and they must have seized the opportunity to get their fill.”

The fact the club’s pitch is artificial does not seem to have deterred the elephants, who also deposited large amounts of faeces in the goalmouths.

One of the floodlights at the ground was also damaged by a trapeze artist who attempted to swing the length of the pitch from it.

Long-serving goalkeeper Wayne Shaw was meanwhile offered a contract to tour with the circus as a clown.

He walked for 80 miles on Monday to try catch the circus’s train, only to find out that he had been tricked with a contract written in invisible ink.

The ringmaster kicked him off the train to leave him stranded in the middle of nowhere.

The club’s chairman brushed off the problems though, saying that takings from the circus were more than enough to repair the damage.

Image courtesy of amanderson2 via Flickr

 

-Other Sutton United stories from Inside The Far Post:

Sutton goalkeeper demands paella and chardonnay for next televised stunt

 

‘Having a Ranieri’ becomes new term for inevitable failure of ordinary people after brief success

Editors of the Oxford English Dictionary today said they expect ‘Ranieri’ to become a popular term to describe the bitter failure that follows brief moments of success for ordinary people.

The word is set to be used in both noun (“yeah but then he had a right Ranieri”) and verb forms (“it was all going so well until he Ranieried it”).

The Oxford English Dictionary provided three examples of expected use:

Example 1

“Wow Steve, that treehouse you made looks amazing! And to think Carol is always joking about your lack of DIY skills.”

“Yeah, I know, surprised myself even. I just found a few instructions on the internet, hammered it all together then decided to improvise to add the rope bridge. I was worried when the kids first went on it that the nails I used would hold it, but –“

[Interrupted by crash and scream]

“Oh shit, I’ve completely Ranieried it!”

Example 2

“Hey Tony, how are you after that night out the other week?”

“Alright”

“I couldn’t believe you got the number off that girl. And that she’s actually a model, and she was even interested in your PhD on Edwardian suspension bridges?”

“Yeah”

“And? What happened?”

“We met up again, but I had a bit of a Ranieri”

“Oh gosh, sorry mate!”

Example 3

“Hey mate, you’ve got to keep going with your football. I’m telling you, you’ll never know where it might get you!”

“I dunno, the league I’m playing in at the moment is really nothing special.”

“So! Do you remember back when Leicester won the league and there was that Vardy guy who came from the lower non-leagues all the way to the England squad and broke the Premier League scoring record.”

“God, yeah that was so long ago. Whatever happened to him?”

“Err, his career just had one Ranieri after another after that.”

Image courtesy of Майоров Владимир via Wikimedia Commons

 

-Other recent Leicester stories on Inside The Far Post:

Riyad Mahrez has picnics spoiled by people kicking footballs towards him

Ranieri to try shouting “dilly ding, kick the f***ing thing!” in training

FA to buy some of Zlatan’s confidence and inject it in young English players

The Football Association has announced that it is to buy some of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s confidence in order to inject it into young English players.

FA sports psychologists estimate that Zlatan could lose 40% of his confidence and still remain by far and away the most self-assured player to have ever played in the Premier League.

Ibrahimovic showed glimpses of his legendary self-belief recently by comparing himself in an interview to Indiana Jones after scoring a hat-trick against St Etienne.

The FA has recently come to identify confidence issues among English players as a major reason for the England team’s series of embarrassments at major tournaments.

It has installed a state-of-the art confidence suction machine at its St. George’s Park National Football Centre, in which players like Ibrahimovic can have some of their confidence drained.

Ibrahimovic is well known for his humanitarian work, and is therefore said to have leapt at the chance to provide a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to the vulnerable England national team that has been stuck in a success-starved cycle of low expectations for generations.

No financial terms of the deal have been disclosed, nor have details about which English players are to benefit from injections of the stored confidence.

The FA has refused to comment on reports that Ross Barkley is taking the confidence injections already in a trial of the technique.

Eyebrows were raised by Barkley celebrating a goal before shooting against Bournemouth. He was also reported to have shouted at defenders “Fear me! For I am Ross!” during Everton’s 0-0 draw at Middlesbrough earlier in the month.

Image  courtesy of Football.ua via Wikimedia Commons

Riyad Mahrez has picnics spoiled by people kicking footballs towards him

Leicester City’s Riyad Mahrez has claimed that he is unable to relax and eat a picnic without people kicking footballs towards him.

Friends of the PFA Player of the Year say he has been trying to make the most of the mild weather to take regular picnics in a Leicester park.

His attempts to picnic – which roughly occur every second Saturday afternoon – have been spoilt by those around him.

One friend says: “There’s always these men in blue shirts playing football nearby and Riyad says the ball is constantly ending up on his picnic rug.

“To make matters worse, they demand to get the ball back straight away. There’s one skinny guy who looks very aggressive and is always running away while shouting at Riyad for the ball.

“Well don’t kick it towards him in the first place!”

Mahrez has complained that is unable to get his potato salad and sandwiches out of his picnic basket, let alone eat them, given the commotion.

He has told friends that there are large numbers of people sat around the edge of the park, but they all tend to sympathise with those playing with the ball, making his situation hopeless.

Mahrez has tried visiting other cities to see if he can hold a picnic in peace there.

He even went as far as Swansea recently but experienced similar problems, leaving him disheartened.

Friends say Mahrez is already looking forward to the summer when he can snack quietly on the beach.

Image courtesy of Mahrez Brahimi via Wikimedia Commons

Sutton goalkeeper demands paella and chardonnay for next televised stunt

Sutton United goalkeeper Wayne Shaw has again proved his hunger for publicity by demanding he is provided with a paella and glass of chardonnay the next time he is filmed eating on the substitutes’ bench.

The 45-year-old stunned viewers by eating a pie live on air in the club’s 0-2 FA Cup defeat by Arsenal yesterday.

There were suspicions raised as to how much his actions were influenced by a betting company that had sponsored Sutton just for the Arsenal match and before the match offered odds of 8/1 against Shaw eating a pie on TV.

While Shaw claims he ate the meat and potato pie for a laugh, he is demanding a bigger dish be provided to him the next time he features in a televised match.

A friend of Shaw’s says: “Wayne’s proved what he can do and he’s ready to take his eating career to the next level.

“Those pies from the club catering van only fill you up for 30 minutes, tops. He’s going to make sure he gets a nice big paella next time with a glass of wine to knock it down with.”

Shaw is ready to start talks with the betting company who sponsored last night’s match, but has warned he is ready to deal with a rival should his demands not be met.

Fans of the betting company have accused Shaw of greed, with one ringing a football phone-in to say they would be happy to see Shaw kept hungry on the substitutes’ bench all season without even a bag of crisps.

If Shaw can line up a deal for his paella, he may get to enjoy it soon.

Sutton United matches are rarely televised, but following the interest in Shaw’s exploits, TV companies are bidding for rights to their next home match against Boreham Wood next Tuesday.

There has already been brisk betting in Asia on what Shaw might get up to in that match.

He is 12/1 to down an ice cream sundae, 10/1 to shove a spring roll up either nostril and 50/1 to drink a slim-fast milkshake.

UPDATE 22/02: Following his resignation from Sutton yesterday, Wayne Shaw is today considering a big-money Chinese deal – a £25 all you can eat at the Golden Duck restaurant in Croydon.

Image courtesy of David McCleish via Flickr

Victory claimed in ‘does God exist’ debate as Joey Barton on wrong end of biggest cup upset ever

Religious nutters and more chilled believers were celebrating along with Lincoln City this weekend, as the fact Joey Barton suffered in one of the greatest FA Cup upsets of all time appeared to provide definitive proof of God’s existence.

Tom Wilson, the archbishop of Manchester, wrote a Tweet to famous atheist Richard Dawkins saying “Haha! Joey Barton 0-1 God. Have that!” on Saturday afternoon.

Burnley wind-up merchant Barton shocked the innocent masses of football watchers in a number of controversial incidents as the Premier League side hosted non-league Lincoln – most notably by stamping on an opponent’s foot before running into his hand and falling to the ground in faked agony.

Wilson said in a sermon on Sunday: “I began praying when it seemed destined for a goalless draw, with the horrifying prospect of Joey Barton and his attention-seeking antics making a primetime appearance on the BBC in a replay.”

Sean Raggett’s 89th minute header then looped into the Burnley net in a clear act of divine intervention, claims Wilson.

Officials at the Vatican agree and plan to use the match in church teachings in the future.

They are already working on a YouTube clip explaining the difficult concept of Divine Providence with an actor showing a pissed-off Barton hunched over a keyboard following the humiliating defeat to type “He did hit me in the face, honest!” on Twitter.

The Atheist Society of Britain have released a statement saying that if there was actual divine justice, Barton would have been sent off twice and then electrocuted by a malfunctioning laptop as he went online to try to defend his actions.

Entire pub turns on man who says John Stones should “just smash it long”

An entire pub angrily turned on a man who claimed John Stones should hit long balls from the Manchester City defence.

The incident occurred sometime earlier in the season, when John Stones was trying to play a sideways pass to Gael Clichy but accidentally put the ball out of play.

The Man City fan, who was watching in The Big Balls Inn in the Midlands, groaned loudly before shouting “just smash it long, you tit!” at the television.

An elderly couple who were sitting on the next table turned to the man to express their unease at the comments.

“You have to remember that’s never going to happen under Guardiola. He’s no doubt instructed his players specifically never to hit any passes longer than 30 yards or so,” said the silver-haired man.

A number of other drinkers then nodded along in agreement.

The angry fan then grumbled and decided to get another drink at the bar.

While a barmaid was pouring his pint, he sought to share his views with her.

“That John Stones is a good player, but he just has to smash the ball up sometimes,” he said.

The barmaid smiled before saying: “Yeah right, I’m sure he’s dying to single-handedly undermine the whole system of possession-based football that Pep has used to create some of the greatest teams in history.”

Image courtesy of Eric Bennet via Flickr