Sean Dyche bit off hand of man who offered him Burnley’s current position in August

Sean Dyche bit off the hand of a man who last summer offered him the chance for Burnley to be two or three wins away from safety with nine matches of the season left.

The shocking incident occurred last August, as Burnley were preparing to start their Premier League campaign and Dyche was on a brief holiday in Marbella.

A witness said: “Dychie was walking along by the sea with his wife eating an ice cream – a proper traditional 99 with a flake, not any of this cookies and cream nonsense.

“There was a group of English youngsters who recognised him. They stopped to swap a few handshakes and smiles – it was all very pleasant at first.

“Then I heard one of them say ‘Hey mate, I can give you the chance to be on 32 points in 13th after 29 matches played if you like’, and he held his hand out.

“You could see Dyche thinking about it for a couple of seconds. Then he said to his wife ‘Hold my ice cream please, love’ and he just bowed his head down and went straight for the wrist.

“It was all over after four or five bites. Dyche said ‘sorry about that, had to do it’ and picked the fella’s hand up from the sand before passing it back to him.

“You could see passers-by were shocked, but then they see a lot of pissed and angry English tourists, it maybe wasn’t anything too out of the ordinary for them.”

The witness said that as far as he was aware, the man had his hand sown back on at considerable cost by a rip-off private medical service for tourists, and decided not to report the incident.

Image courtesy of Kelvin Stuttard via Wikimedia Commons

Luton Airport to rename itself Curtis Davies International following Ronaldo honour

Luton Airport is planning to rename itself Curtis Davies International after Madeira Airport changed its name in honour of Cristiano Ronaldo.

Bosses at Luton hope to gaining a touch of glamour by naming the airport after the Hull City defender, who is from Leytonstone but developed through the youth ranks of Luton Town.

Luton Airport is mostly known among travelers currently for its soulless atmosphere, long security queues and lack of seats at boarding gates.

Tom Wilson, marketing manager at Luton Airport said: “Anything Madeira can do, we can do in Luton!

“The fact there’s no top-level footballer who was born in the town made this more difficult, but as so many international visitors assume Curtis is from here, we like to consider him one of our own.

By adopting the three-time England under-21 international’s name, bosses also hope to solve the problem of people being put off from choosing to fly from the airport due to the realisation they have to go to Luton to reach it.

Southend Airport is also rumoured to be considering renaming itself – after former Leicester and Manchester City defender Spencer Prior – as UK airports compete to put themselves on the map.

Image courtesy of Dom Fellowes via Wikimedia Commons

Premier League clubs say they’ve had enough TV cash and donate £10m to save Leyton Orient

Premier League clubs have together said “we’re grand, thanks” and decided to not to bother accepting the remaining £1.3bn due to them in TV money for their final ten matches of the season.

In a wonderful gesture, the clubs say they are going to donate £10m (less than each Premier League match generates in TV money) to keep League Two club Leyton Orient playing football next season.

Tom Wilson, a Premier League spokesperson says: “I think a lot of the clubs have just got tired of going to the bank to cash in all those cheques. Every time you have to write in all those zeros, it’s just awfully repetitive.

“Seeing as the extra cash doesn’t change the fact we’re pretty hopeless in the Champions League, the idea came up that we might as well give a little bit of it away.

“£1.3bn may not sound a lot if you think of it as just a few Pogbas or Griezmanns, but it looks like it actually goes a bit further in the real world.

“We can give a few million to save Leyton Orient, build a top-class football pitch for kids to play on in every town in the country and we’d probably still have a few hundred million left to give to the agents for their summer holidays as usual.”

Please Note: The above article is fictional, believe it or not! The Leyton Orient Fans’ Trust is collecting as much as it can from ordinary fans to try to save their club after facing a winding-up order for unpaid debts.

You can donate to the fans’ fund here:

Image courtesy of Spudgun67 via Wikimedia Commons

Holland set to appoint ghost of Johan Cruyff as manager

Holland are set to appoint the ghost of Johan Cruyff as their new national team manager in a bid to resurrect a disastrous World Cup qualifying campaign.

Danny Blind was sacked following a miserable 2-0 defeat at Bulgaria at the weekend that left the Dutch fourth in their qualifying group.

With top candidates Ronald Koeman and Louis Van Gaal busy and retired respectively, the Dutch football association wants to turn to the spirit of the great Cruyff, who passed away last year.

Derek Van Dijk, chairman of the Dutch FA, says: “Well we need to bring some spirit in here, that much is for sure.

“Johan may have left us but in so many ways he lives on, looking down on us as our greatest ever player, so we thought we’d just go ahead and ask him to help us out.

“All the papers here in Holland say we need someone who can ruffle a few feathers in the dressing room.

“I’m not sure myself how that is going to frighten millionaire footballers, but if we can get some feathers in there, what could be scarier than to get a ghost to ruffle them?”

Van Dijk added that their ideal candidate will be able to inspire the players to run through walls, something Cruyff’s spirit also has no problem with.

Cruyff’s ghost is set to appoint current caretaker manager Fred Grim as his assistant, ensuring the national team can reap the benefit of having a physical presence in the dugout.

Image courtesy of Xavier Rondon Medina via Wikimedia Commons



West Ham to rename ground Advertise Your Company Here Stadium

Having failed to secure a naming sponsor for their new ground, West Ham have announced it will be known as the Advertise Your Company Here Stadium from next season.

The club announced today that the former London Olympic Stadium’s full name will be the Advertise Your Company Here Call David On 020 123 456 Stadium from the start of August.

Co-Chairman David Gold said: “The new name reflects a unique opportunity for mega brands and state-sponsored oil companies – well unique at least until Spurs and Chelsea build their new grounds – to associate themselves with the history and tradition of West Ham at the site of the London Olympics for a small multi-million annual fee.”

West Ham had hoped to find a naming sponsor much earlier, but the high-profile difficulties at the new home, including several incidents of crowd trouble, has complicated the task of finding a company willing to cough up.

Gold said that any potential sponsors will be guaranteed a “plush VIP box” and “top nosh” for all West Ham home matches, for as long as they pay the club.

“I can also reassure sponsors that all funds generated will be invested fully in transfer deadline-day signings,” Gold said.

“Actually if any sponsors have a decent striker or two hanging around, I’m sure we can arrange a discount if they send one or two our way.”

Image courtesy of EG Focus via Wikimedia Commons

Six months till first ‘England can win World Cup’ headline

The first headline saying England can win the 2018 World Cup is due to be published just over six months from now, claims an amateur clairvoyant.

Tom Wilson, also know as Mystic Balls, a popular football betting tipster, says the headline is due to appear in the international break in early October, after England have secured qualification for the tournament in Russia.

Wilson says: “I can see it now, very clearly. The first mists of autumn are setlling, England fans up and down the country are chucking garden furniture into their sheds for the winter.

“And there, yes I can see a press conference at St George’s Park, full of reporters yawning their way through Gareth Southgate’s polite answers.

“They are scratching their heads after being urged by their editors to come up with something to splash on the back pages in the lull of a mundane international break.

“And what’s this? A fairly inexperienced but enthusiastic player like Adam Lallana emerges.

“A reporter asks him how England will do in Russia.

“He says ‘We have to believe we can go all the way’, and, bingo, the next day ‘La La Says We’ll Land The Cup’ is plastered over the back pages.”

On being asked how England will actually do at the World Cup, the clairvoyant burst out laughing and nearly fell off his chair.

When he eventually recovered, he said “better not to ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.”

Image courtesy of Howard Lake via Flickr

“Yo blud, I’m staying in the fam!” says Wenger, announcing new contract on FanTV

Arsene Wenger today announced he has signed a new two-year contract in an emotional interview on Arsenal FanTV.

Speaking outside Finsbury Park Underground Station, the Arsenal manager said: “Yo blud, I’ve had my fair share of thinking to do, I’ve got some haters out there don’t I know it, but I’m staying in the fam innit!”

Despite agreeing that Arsenal’s current form is “beyond a joke, man”, Wenger made a passionate promise for next season.

“I’m gonna stay and turn this thing around, you hear me? Stay. Fight. Turn this thing around. That’s me, that’s Wenger, you hear me blud?”

On being asked about his transfer plans, Wenger said: “Dem bitches Mesut and Alexis, I’m gonna say to them go if you want to. PSG, China, wherever.

“Au revoir, know what I’m saying? But it’s up to me, and no-one else, ‘cos I’m Wenger ok, it’s up to me to go and find some guys who are ten – no – a million times better.

“Cos that’s the only way I’m gonna turn things around, you hear me now?”

The interview was then interrupted by the emergency services rushing to try to extinguish Piers Morgan, who self-immolated himself in protest at Wenger’s contract extension.

Image courtesy of Paul Blank via Wikimedia Commons


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-Arsene Wenger studies menu for 30 mins in top restaurant, orders chips
Arsenal to recall Wilshere to be dogsitter for Alexis Sanchez
Arsenal to extend Arsene Wenger’s contract by eight years just to see Piers Morgan’s reaction

Schweinsteiger very happy to act professional and smile for £16m in wages

Former Manchester United midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger has revealed what may be the key to his professionalism during his troubled spell at the club – his whopping £200,000 per week wages.

Football fans accustomed to players whinging at any opportunity have praised Schweinsteiger for his patience throughout the last season after United manager Jose Mourinho made it clear the German legend would not feature in the first team.

A friend of Schweinsteiger said: “Bastian’s a positive guy, but when you get paid close to a million a month, get told you can do your own thing in training and are given every Saturday afternoon off, there’s a lot to be positive about.”

The World Cup winner amassed an estimated £16m from Manchester United between joining in July 2015 and leaving this week for Chicago Fire.

To Schweinsteiger’s credit, he has sought to repay the club in any way he can.

He has routinely posted positive messages on Twitter, and this week released a very nice Instagram video thanking everyone at the club.

Tom Wilson, a warehouse operator who supports Manchester United says: “I don’t know how he did it.  He must have been so frustrated having won the World Cup not even to get a look in for the Europa League games.

“If it was me I would have been tempted to say ‘here’s where you can stick your 16 million quid’ but he’s been a credit to himself and the club.”

Image courtesy of Harald Bischoff via Wikimedia Commons

Roy Keane angrily denies rumours of Strictly Come Dancing appearance

It would appear that Roy Keane will definitely not be appearing in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing after he angrily denied rumours he has been invited onto the show.

With Roy Hodgson having turned down the chance to go on the show, its producers have been looking for another football figure to take part.

Assistant Ireland manager Keane said at a press conference today though: “What? Me on that pile of shite? Never in a million years!

“I can’t even watch the thing for five minutes without wanting to take a hammer to the TV. God almighty, could you imagine actually having to prance around every week taking part?

“Then having to stand and smile there while those judges talk out of their arses and the stupid twats in the audience lap it all up?

“Christ! It’s made Saturday night telly less watchable even than when Noel Edmond’s House Party was on, and that’s saying something.”

After Keane’s rejection, organisers may now approach Jamie Vardy and John Terry – possibly with a view to them entering as a dancing duo.

Image courtesy of Irish Defence Forces via Wikimedia Commons

Rooney confirms plan for England retirement after World Cup to focus on Chinese league

Former England captain Wayne Rooney today confirmed that he intends to retire from international duty after the national team’s disappointing exit from the 2018 World Cup in order to focus on his career ahead in the Chinese Super League.

Rooney, who has scored 53 goals for his country in 113 appearances, spoke to journalists on Skype from his sofa, where he is preparing to watch England’s friendly tonight with Germany.

He said: “I’ve been thinking a lot about my decision, but I really think 2020 or 2022 would be pushing it, and 2018 has to be my last chance on the international stage.

“It’d be perfect to go out by lifting the World Cup in Moscow, though I’d suppose I’d settle for carrying cones at this stage, just in case you’re listening, Gareth?

“After that I’d really like to focus on my challenges in China. I’ll have plenty to work on my – such as trying to find a decent pork pie over there, not to mention finding out how to exchange my wages.

“Talking of which, you don’t know how much 30 billion Yuan is in Pounds, do you? I’m trying to decide which club I want to play for.”

Image courtesy of via Wikimedia Commons