Swindon Town delete past 23 years of history on club website

Swindon Town have erased the past 23 years of history from their club website in order to present a more positive image.

The Robins made headlines in recent days by forgetting to mention their relegation to League Two in their website’s report of the match that sent them down.

The club has now gone one step further by deleting everything from March 1994 on the history section of its website.

After a 3000 word summary of the club’s 1969 League Cup win, the page now finishes by stating:

“Following Glen Hoddle’s departure, the Robins have been battling to keep their top-flight status against the odds under John Gorman.

“With Jan Age Fjortoft in fine scoring form, can Swindon stay up and emerge as one of the powers of the new Premier League?

“The league has been far from easy, as Swindon are competing against great players like Eric Cantona and Tim Sherwood, an incredible young midfielder who has inspired Blackburn to second in the table.”

There is no mention of the club’s countless relegations since then.

A section entitled “Hope returns then dies”, which summarised Paulo Di Canio’s time at the club and the subsequent lost League One play-off final in 2014/15, has also been deleted – as has a section called ‘Oh shit!’ covering the current season.

Image courtesy of P L Chadwick via Wikimedia Commons

Error in Premier League table sees Watford wrongly included in top half

A glaring error in the Premier League table has seen Watford included in the top half in tenth place, just three positions behind Arsenal.

An eagle-eye viewer of Match of the Day noticed the mistake following the Hornets’ 2-0 defeat to ten-man Hull City on Saturday and sent an email to the Premier League to complain.

Tom Wilson, a spokesman for the Premier League, confirmed that Watford’s series of unmemorable performances and defeats to relegation contenders should logically mean they are not in the top half.

Wilson said: “We’re looking into what happened. We know Troy Deeney pops up with a goal every few weeks, but there must have been some kind of miscalculation along the way.

“I know they beat Man Utd early in the season – maybe they claimed 20 points for that by mistake. They won at Arsenal too, did they? Wow, that’s impressive! Only kidding.

“We’re going to conduct a full investigation with someone going through their results with a marker pen and then we’ll move them where they should be – which I presume is closer to the relegation zone.”

Walter Mazzarri’s translator said: “We’re in the top half? You’ve got to be kidding me!

“It’s nothing to do with Walter, I swear.

“He’s tried to resign four times already this season, but I’m not allowed into the chairman’s office and once he gets past ‘Hello Mr Chairman’ his English lets him down and he leaves.”

Image courtesy of Ben Sutherland via Wikimedia Commons

Future Clasicos to be paused to allow legal reviews of contentious decisions

Future editions of El Clasico are to allow breaks for Barcelona and Real Madrid to make legal challenges of refereeing decisions.

The move follows Barcelona making pillocks of themselves ahead of the latest encounter of the Spanish giants by threatening until the day of match to pick Neymar despite his suspension for the match – even launching a last-minute legal appeal to try to overturn his ban.

Tomas Yualsono, who heads Barcelona’s legal department – which is housed in a skyscraper overlooking the Nou Camp, said:

“Our analysis of recent Clasicos shows Luis Suarez should have been awarded 17 penalties alone each match on average.

“This failure of justice just cannot continue, and we are happy that the Spanish football federation have agreed to our idea to introduce legal reviews of decisions.”

The new system will see judges raise a gavel on the sideline to stop play following a contentious decision – at which point Barca’s and Real’s lawyers will debate the call at specially convened courts by the stadiums.

Once a jury has then voted on the decision the match can resume, pending an appeal. By streamlining the process of justice with the special courts, the clubs are optimistic that no match should last longer than six months.

Barcelona are confident that their formidable line-up of three star South American QCs will see them win most of the legal battles.

Cristiano Ronaldo is to represent Real Madrid in the courtroom.

Image courtesy of Jan SOLO via Wikimedia Commons

Nation divided over whether Marcus Rashford is good, incredible or totally amazing

An opinion poll of football followers’ views of Marcus Rashford has found a deeply divided nation.

34% of people say Manchester United’s 19-year-old attacker is good, 36% say he is incredible and 30% say he is totally amazing.

Conflicting opinions of exactly how good Rashford is, or will become, have led to a fierce debate being played out on social media – and occasionally other places such as between drunks in pub toilets.

Tom Wilson, who thinks Rashford is good, and tweets under the name of @iknowfootballme says: “You get all these complete idiots who go crazy when he scores and aren’t looking at all the chances he misses – how many of those were there in the Europa League the other night?”

His brother Jim, who finds Rashford totally amazing, and uses @iknowfootballbetter on Twitter, says: “I just can’t stand morons who can’t get excited by an amazing talent when they see one.

“Look at the boy’s pace! And his desire! Are these doubters blind?

“And he’s only 19! Imagine how good he’s going to be in four or five years’ time.”

The two then had to be separated as a debate over whether Rashford is better than Monaco’s Klyian Mbappe threatened to turn violent – after the brothers had sent highly offensive Tweets to each other on their phones from opposite ends of the sofa.

The brothers were able to agree that no matter how fierce the dispute over Rashford’s talent can be, they can’t stand the small minority of people who say they just want to enjoy watching Rashford and wait until he proves exactly how good he is.

“There’s just no need for that – if you seriously don’t have an opinion about how good a young talent nobody has seen all that much of yet is, just make an opinion up and stick with it!” said one.

Image courtesy of Ardfern via Wikimedia Commons

 

 

Football hipsters in awkward train encounter with Neil Warnock

A group of football hipsters had an awkward encounter with Neil Warnock on a train over Easter.

The group were taking a train back from Huddersfield on Good Friday – after seeing David Wagner’s side beat Preston – and were watching all the day’s obscure continental action on a tablet when Warnock approached them.

Tom Wilson, one of the group, explains what happened:

“The train was packed and I noticed this portly guy in a tracksuit in the aisle. He looked over to us and asked ‘What are you watching?’

“I explained quietly it was the Eredivise highlights and he just kind of tutted.

“Then he asked if we wouldn’t mind squeezing up to let him sit with us, but there wasn’t a lot of space – we all had americanos on the table, and there were a couple of chargers poking out between the seats as one of the lads was following Bayer Leverkusen v Bayern Munich on Twitter.

“I apologised. Then I started to wonder, is that Warnock?

“It wasn’t clear at first as his glasses were steamed up – I don’t know if he was angry that Cardiff had lost, it had been raining on the platform or whether he was pissed at finding out a Saturday Saver ticket isn’t valid on a bank holiday – it looked like all three.

“My mate Fabio then gave me a nudge, and I could see he’d twigged that it was Warnock.

“Then I heard him mutter in the aisle ‘Nobody interested in real men’s football any more’

“Fabio was gesturing to me and sent me a WhatsApp message saying ‘Shouldn’t we at least ask him for a photo for our Instagram?’

“I told him we really shouldn’t – I just didn’t want to bother him at this stage.

“To be honest for the rest of the journey, whenever the train stopped, I was spending a lot of time looking at Warnock out of the corner of my eye, hoping he’d get off.

“It was tough to concentrate on watching football on the tablet and our phone with the knowledge he was over our shoulders looking.

“We have a private WhatsApp group where we vote for the best rabona of the week, and it’s a bit of an in joke among the lads to make woofing noises when we see a really tasty rabona, but none of us were in the mood for that.”

Image courtesy of Pgcedave111 via Wikimedia Commons

 

 

Total horror as big club on wrong end of dodgy offside call

There has been complete horror among European football followers this week after a dodgy offside call played a part in a big club getting knocked out of a competition.

Tom Willsein, a fan of the unnamed German club, said: “Okay, mistakes can happen from time to time, but why does it have to happen to the rich and powerful ones?

“It’ so unfair! If it’s a team in danger of going down to the second Bundesliga or something, ja, who cares?

“But in a Champions League quarter-final? This is an outrage!”

The fan says he supports his players’ and manager’s calls for video or robot referees to be immediately deployed.

Many journalists have echoed the fans’ view, while others have been quite happy to easily create eye-catching articles by compiling quotes of famous players mouthing off the official at the centre of the controversy.

“I can only hope that when we are in the Champions League quarter-final next year we have more of an even playing field,” said the fan.

Image courtesy of Marco Verch via Flickr

Dortmund make semis as lost UEFA rule says surviving bombs worth even more than away goals

Dortmund have been declared winners of their Champions League quarter-final against Monaco following the discovery of a ‘lost’ UEFA rule that says goals scored by a team surviving a bomb blast are worth even more than away goals.

The rule says that should a team narrowly avoid being blown up on the way to a match, their goals are worth triple.

Dortmund’s 2-3 defeat to Monaco in the first leg has therefore been upgraded to a 6-3 win, meaning they progress 7-6 on aggregate.

The rule appears to have been written in the 1950s for the then European Cup in an effort to ensure matches were still played should the Cold War have descended into a nuclear holocaust.

UEFA spokesperson Tom Wilson said: “You can tell this rule is really old as it doesn’t even mention consulting the sponsors about what to do in this scenario.

“We’re checking with our lawyers but it seems to be a valid rule still in the Champions League so we’re happy to put Dortmund through.”

Monaco have already lodged an appeal over the decision, arguing they were rightful winners of the tie, and the French press are outraged at the ruling.

UEFA is understood to be working on a possible compromise solution that would see both Monaco and Borussia Dortmund play semi-finals against Real Madrid, to be televised on alternating weeks, before Real make the final.

Image courtesy of Christopher Neundorf via Wikimedia Commons

PFA tries to stop Zlatan voting for himself as Young Player of the Year

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is in hot water with the PFA after repeatedly trying to vote for himself as Young Player of the Year.

A voting slip collected from Manchester United’s training ground revealed the 35-year-old striker voted for himself in the main player of the year category, and crossed out Jordan Pickford’s name in the young player category to scribble ZLATAN before placing a cross in the adjacent box.

The PFA posted the voting form back to the Swedish frontman pointing out the mistake, and received the form with all the other five nominees in the young player category crossed out too, with ZLATAN written and their boxes crossed.

Ibrahimovic said: “There are many wonderful young footballers to choose from, but there is no Zlatan. Michael Keane is not Zlatan. Jordan Pickford is not Zlatan.

“Even Dele Alli cannot be Zlatan, as the astronomers say a Zlatan comes once every 9,000 years.

“Over the summer I want to keep on reducing my age so I can play for the Manchester United under-21 side next season.

“There is no reason for no Zlatan on the shortlist.”

Meanwhile, Manchester Council has confirmed that they will allow Ibrahimovic to vote for himself in the forthcoming general election.

The player will not be given a ballot paper due to his short time in the country, but is to be issued a piece of scrap paper and pencil to allow him to write his vote before it is thrown away.

Image courtesy of Football.ua via Wikimedia Commons

Harry Redknapp bids for Alexis Sanchez within hours of taking Birmingham job

Harry Redknapp has made a £100m bid for Arsenal’s Alexis Sanchez within hours of taking over as Birmingham manager.

Redknapp is targeting Sanchez, Mesut Ozil and Antoine Griezmann at the top of a list of 10,000 players he is interested in signing this summer.

Rednkapp is prepared to quadruple Sanchez’s wages should he complete the shock switch – and is open to offering Craig Gardner in part exchange, or a 10% profit on the eventual sale of Neymar, who Redknapp hopes to sign the following summer.

It is believed Arsenal rejected the bid for Sanchez as the transfer window doesn’t open for another six weeks.

On asked about how Birmingham can avoid relegation to League One in their last three matches of the season, Redknapp said:

“I think it’s vital we look at our investment options ahead of the summer, as whatever happens between now and the end of the season, we don’t want to find ourselves in a situation where there are players we want and other clubs have beaten us to them.”

Should the bid for Sanchez fail, Redknapp is prepared to spark a bidding war with Tony Adams’s Granada to secure the services of Nigel Reo-Coker.

On being asked how much is available in his summer transfer chest, Redknapp said: “How much is our owner worth? £450m? Well, it’s important that we’re sensible and cap our spending around the £600m mark – for the time being at least – especially if we’re in League One.”

Image courtesy of James Boyes via Wikimedia Commons

 

Other Harry Redknapp stories on Inside The Far Post:
Harry Redknapp signs £11m defender on deadline day ‘for old time’s sake’

 

Sunday league managers bemused as ‘stick a man on Hazard’ revealed as secret way to stop Chelsea

The nation’s Sunday league managers were puzzled today after reading that Jose Mourinho has revealed to the world that the secret of stopping Chelsea lies in man marking Eden Hazard.

Manchester United’s astute tactics in their 2-0 win yesterday came after 31 Premier League matches in which various strategies have been tried – and mostly failed – to stop Antonio Conte’s side.

Most Premier League bosses had tried until yesterday to either get their players to dribble past N’Golo Kante, tickle Diego Costa under the armpits, or approach Chelsea as Arsenal do, by saying: “Why stop Chelsea when they have to find a way to stop us first?”

Tom Wilson, the player manager of Ugly Scuffers, a Sunday league team in the Southeast Lancashire Seventh Over 35s Division, said:

“Putting a lad on Hazard would be the first thing I would try, so I’m surprised none of the other Premier League millionaire managers thought of it.

“To be fair though, they all have sophisticated tactical analysis data and scouts and everything, so I’m sure they had their reasons for not doing the bleeding obvious.

“As good a decision Mourinho made, he also had the advantage of having managed Hazard for over two years recently – so he knows just how good he is.

“That’s not like the other managers who’ve probably only heard how good he is on Match of the Day and the fact he’s second favourite for PFA Player of the Year and so forth.”

Image courtesy of Chelsea Debs via Wikimedia Commons