Light aircraft rental shares soar after Wenger extension announced

Shares in light aircraft rental companies boomed on the London Stock Exchange today after it was announced Arsene Wenger has signed a new two-year contract with Arsenal.

Tom Wilson, managing director of Wilson Light Air, whose shares rose by 80% in early morning trading, said:

“This is perfect news for us. With David Moyes out of work at the moment we were fearing we might have some tough times ahead.

“Wenger staying changes everything though.

“We tend not to have that many people renting planes in the autumn or winter, but Arsenal are pissing off their fans by getting out of the title running earlier every year.

“We have decided already we are going to expand to open offices in Huddersfield and Brighton.”

The light aircraft industry is not the only business to benefit from many Arsenal fan’s dislike of their manager.

Rick Robins is a 27-year-old entrepreneur who opened a pop-up bedsheet shop on the Holloway Road last season. Most of his customers are Arsenal fans.

“We sell bedsheets with ‘Wenger Out’ already printed on them, as we find a lot of people don’t have time for writing slogans in felt pen anymore,” Robins explained.

“We also have an App that allows you to design your own anti-Wenger slogan, or indeed you can print a bedsheet to protest something else, like Theresa May or the war in Syria, if you really want.”

Image courtesy of joshjdss via Flickr

Blow for Ireland as Juventus’s Moise Kean turns down call up

Ireland have suffered a blow ahead of their World Cup qualifier against Austria as Juventus wonderkid Moise Kean has turned down a call up.

The 17-year-old striker, who scored his first Serie A goal at the weekend, was born in Italy to parents from the Ivory Coast, but jaysus your man must have some Irish in him with a name like that!

Ireland manager Martin O’Neill said at a press conference:

“We’ve been in close contact with Mozo, as the lads call him, and we’re very disappointed he’s decided not to play for us.

“He told us he couldn’t even point to Ireland on a map if there was a cartwheeling leprechaun on it, and we have to respect his decision.

“We’ve tried very hard to convince him. We told him what great facilities we have these days and we’ll even find some pasta for him if he wants.

“Aiden McGeady even went out to Italy to tell him what a great craic it is in our squad, but unfortunately he ended up with a restraining order on him.

“It’s important Mozo knows the door is always open to him here. And to his younger brothers in a few years, if he has any.”

Image courtesy of TheFactsChecker via Wikimedia Commons

Jurgen Klopp leaves Liverpool to go backpacking around outback

Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp has left the club at the end of their post-season tour in Australia to backpack around the outback for a while.

Klopp was seen at the roadside sporting a shaggy beard while holding an official LFC didgeridoo and a sign reading ‘Wagga Wagga’ as the team departed for Sydney airport.

A club source said: “We were all astounded at first, but when you see how much Jurgen’s been enjoying it here we understood his decision.

“He was having a few tinnies on our last night with some travellers around a campfire who were swapping stories about shark bites.

“I’ve never seen him so happy. He was telling everyone how much better that was than holding press conferences and trying to energise Emre Can and Lucas.

“He was saying he’ll try to be back before our first Champions League game – and might return sooner if he runs out of cash.

“He says he’ll try to get on Skype when he can to advise on transfers and the first matches of the season – but if in doubt we should get rid of Sturridge and keep passing to Mane.”

Image courtesy of Ruaraidh Gillies via Wikimedia Commons

Cantona working on painting of seagull dropping Fellaini-shaped turd on child’s head

Manchester United legend Eric Cantona is currently working on a painting that shows a seagull dropping a sticky turd shaped just like Marouane Fellaini onto a child’s head.

The painting, which Cantona is calling La Victoire, seems to in some way be inspired by United’s Europa League victory.

A source close to Cantona says that the Frenchman wanted to make a statement to answer Jose Mourinho’s comments that “poets don’t win titles” in football.

The friend said: “Being a poet, or even an artist, sculptor and actor like Eric, doesn’t always make it easy to win, it’s true.

“But when you do win, you win in style.

“Also you can offend loads of people and still remain really popular. Plus you have cool films made about you.

“Trust me, give poetry a go.”

Cantona’s work is not the only piece of art to have been inspired by Manchester United’s Europa League title.

The association of football poets is close to finishing a reworked version of the popular crowd sonnet ‘Mourinho is a wanker, he wears a wanker’s hat’ to commemorate the triumph.

Image courtesy of Michaël Bemelmans via Wikimedia Commons

Conte forced to hand Manager of Year award to Sunday league coach who shouts “don’t f****ing doze off after scoring!” every week

Antonio Conte has been stripped of his Manager of the Year award in dramatic circumstances after Chelsea’s disappointing FA Cup final defeat to Arsenal.

This year’s award will instead be presented to a Sunday league coach best known for running onto the pitch and shouting “don’t f****ing doze off now, you useless c****s!” every time his team scores.

Tom Wilson, secretary of the League Managers Association, said: “We don’t want to take anything away from Conte’s achievements in Chelsea’s incredible league season.

“We do want to take this sodding award away though after that awful performance in the cup final.

“We all thought his three at the back tactics were pretty special until Arsene Wenger copied them and it turned out Arsenal are even better at it.

“A closer analysis of our history books also revealed that Conte didn’t even invent three at the back as we thought he had – that was Roy Evans at Liverpool in 94/95.

“Okay, he’s still a top manager with the team he’s put together at Chelsea – without making any signings over £35m or recalling a single one of the 10,000 players they have out on loan.

“He could be a bit angrier though couldn’t he? He’s always celebrating, for Christ’s sake.

“That’s why we decided the award should go to this fellow in the Bognor Regis Sunday Veterans League, Andy Kont, who’s faithfully been abusing his players win, lose or draw throughout the years.”

Image courtesy of Clément Bucco-Lechat via Wikimedia Commons

Arsenal plan to pull out of Premier League to concentrate on FA Cup next season

Arsenal want to pull out of the Premier League next season to concentrate on the FA Cup as part of a plan from Arsene Wenger to bring more trophies to the Emirates.

A source at the Gunners said Wenger is livid that injuries and suspensions picked up in the meaningless last few weeks of the season is making Arsenal’s task in Saturday’s final against Chelsea even tougher.

Wenger is said to have identified the FA Cup as a more straightforward route into the Community Shield, another trophy the Arsenal manager is coveting.

Wenger has also complained that the start of next season’s Premier League comes just two weeks after the pre-season Emirates Cup tournament.

“Arsene says if Mourinho is boasting about the Community Shield, he’s going to start counting the Emirates Cup,” said the source.

It is also said that Wenger has admitted he has no interests outside of football, and is viewing a Premier League-free season as a chance to pick up a few hobbies before his eventual retirement at the end of the 2036/37 season.

Arsenal’s players have not been consulted about the plan yet, but the club are optimistic many of them will be happy to fill their many weekends off with sightseeing trips in order to boost their Instagram and Twitter pages.

Image courtesy of joshjdss via Wikimedia Commons

Walter Mazzarri can’t understand strange looks when trying to take training this week

Former Watford manager Walter Mazzarri has been left baffled by a lot of strange looks he has been getting when trying to take training this week.

A friend of Mazzarri, whose translator resigned two weeks ago, says: “Walter noticed a sudden change around a week ago. He feels everyone is looking at him very differently all of a sudden.

“When it first happened he was wondering if Troy Deeney had stuck a post-it note on his back again, but it was the same the next day.

“A few people kept on telling him he was being given a sack of some sorts – but this didn’t make any sense – it’s too early in the year for Christmas presents.

“Then one day he turned up and there were no players there anymore. It was all really strange.

“He rearranged the cones in the cone shed and then sat down to read the Gazetto Dello Sport.

“That’s when he noticed it – the season’s finished. Silly Walter! His English is rather poor and he hadn’t understood it!

“He says he can’t wait to be back in July for pre-season. He wants to go all out and challenge for mid-table next year.”

Image courtesy of Anders Henrikson via Flickr

Big Sam to volunteer to help third world clubs avoid relegation

Sam Allardyce is to take up voluntary work following his resignation as Crystal Palace manager and help clubs in deprived countries avoid relegation.

The 62-year-old explained his move by saying: “It’d be nice to get another job, but Barcelona and Arsenal aren’t interested. Southampton neither, unfortunately, and Watford can save their own arses.

“I’ve been in touch with some voluntary groups and realised there’s a lot I might be able to do to help out in less privileged leagues.

“There’s a club in Djibouti, Cite Stade, who are right at the bottom of the pack with zero points from their first 18 games.

“They lost 13-1 in a relegation six-pointer at the weekend, which is no surprise as their manager is playing some really fancy dan stuff.

“I’m quite tempted to see if Patrick van Aanholt and Kevin Nolan want to come on board, tighten things up down there and make the world a better place.”

Allardyce dropped his smile when asked if he could consider returning to manage Sunderland instead.

“Hey, I said I’m feeling charitable, but not that charitable,” he said.

Image courtesy of Egghead06 via Wikimedia Commons

Sky apologises after cutting to ad break during Millwall pitch invasion

Sky has apologised for cutting to a commercial break just seconds after Millwall fans invaded the pitch following their League One play-off final win.

In a gaffe that might remind older viewers of when ITV showed a Tic Tac advert instead of a last-minute Merseyside derby winner, Sky left viewers outraged at missing the highlight of the play-off final.

Just before the ad break started, an overweight Millwall fan was falling onto the pitch after a failed attempt at a cartwheel while one of his mates tickled a disconsolate Bradford player under the armpits.

One viewer, 60-year-old Tom Wilson from Kent, said:

“I’ve no idea what they were thinking of, but it was a massive insult to all of us who sat patiently through the 90-minute build up.

“I couldn’t have cared less about those mediocre footballers whacking the ball around.

“The director kept on showing the football instead of the Millwall fans, for some reason, and then when it finally starts to kick off they just switched off.”

Sky said the advert break had been booked at the final whistle months in advance.

It points out it made highlights of the pitch invasion available to free-to-air channels for everyone to enjoy on their 10 o’clock news shows.

Sky says due to demand it is considering making a service available on its red button showing constant footage of Millwall fans during their televised games next season.

Image courtesy of Ben Sutherland via Flickr

Good sports Sunderland tried to arrange players to form giant J and T when defending corner

Sunderland attempted to arrange their defenders in giant JT shapes when defending their 26th corner of the match against Chelsea yesterday, in order to add to the tributes to John Terry.

Footage from the upper tier of Stamford Bridge shows the Sunderland men leaving their opponents completely free in the box to form shapes that briefly looked like a J and a T.

A lack of coordination among the Sunderland defenders meant they actually looked more like an X and an N, however.

The corner took place some time between Chelsea’s fourth and seventh goals in their God Knows How Many They Scored in the End – 1 win.

Sunderland manager David Moyes confirmed his players tried to arrange the stunt, saying:

“It was all John Terry’s idea, but we couldn’t be arsed to say no.

“We’ve just been sitting around in silence for the last month after getting relegated, so when someone comes along with a smile and a question, we’re like ‘ok, whatever’.

“I’m sure Chelsea would do something similar for us if, say, err well…say Niall Quinn came out of retirement and then retired again when we played them.”

Image courtesy of Chelsea Debs via Wikimedia Commons