Chelsea to allow talented youngsters to collect cones AND wash new signings’ kit

Chelsea are to set place their faith in their promising youngsters next season by allowing them the dual responsibility of collecting cones and washing the kit of new signings.

Blues’ owner Roman Abramovich is looking for a return of his investment of one Morota and a Bakayoko in the club’s academy – or £100m as the accountants call it.

Having won the under-19 version of the Champions League in two out of the past three seasons, Antonio Conte is now confident Chelsea’s youngsters are ready for a bigger role at the club.

23-year-old Tom Wilson, who has already been at loan at every club in the Championship and Dutch Eredivise, has been given the honour of washing new centre back Antonio Rüdiger’s socks.

“It’s great that the club is showing faith in us,” Wilson, who was capped 32 times for England Under-20s, says.

“They asked me to use non-bio powder so the socks don’t irritate the skin at all, and they let me go to the supermarket myself and find it, which is a real statement of belief.

“It would be nice to play some football for Chelsea again at some point, but I did play seven minutes of a league cup match three years ago.

“That’s more than most of my team-mates in the youth team, so I can’t be too greedy.”

Image courtesy of Clement Bucco-Lechat via Wikimedia Commons

Mourinho denies pre-season travel is a problem despite Antarctica friendly

Jose Mourinho has said he does not expect Manchester United’s pre-season travels to cause his players any problems despite the club announcing a hastily arranged friendly in Antarctica.

The Red Devils are to jet to Antarctica to play a Research Scientists’ XI in between ties in Norway and Dublin on the way back from the club’s US tour.

While some see the Antarctica friendly as a publicity stunt to promote the club’s new Official Snowmobile sponsor, Mourinho was adamant of its benefits, saying:

“Of course every match is useful. That is why we play football.

“We have a change of climate to contend with there against the scientists, but that is good – we have to go to Newcastle again this season, after all.

“For me there is no point sitting and moaning about pre-season being exhausting. For my players if they want to play football, they play, if they don’t want, well they won’t last long under me.

“There is no problem with pre-season at all. It is only in March or April when we have to fly for European semi-finals and we have crucial Premier League matches when we have a problem.

“Our season starts a week on Tuesday in Macedonia against Real Madrid in the European Super Cup, and in a week on Tuesday in Macedonia, my players will be fresh and ready.”

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Movie rights for Naby Keita transfer saga sold to Warner Bros

Warner Bros have bought the movie rights for the Naby Keita transfer saga – which has thrilled football fans all summer.

The production is already being billed as a “dramatic tale of how £75m in Premier League TV cash almost got transferred to an energy drink conglomerate’s football club.”

The story starts when Liverpool were first linked to Keita as a replacement for Graeme Souness in 1984 and follows every twist in the saga – including many twists that happened at the same time as Keita was reported to be both wanting to stay or leave RB Leipzig several times by various sources.

The production company has already started casting the 1.6 million extras, who will play the residents of Keita’s home city in Guinea that all accompany him to Leipzig to give him transfer advice.

Christoph Waltz is expected to play the role of Ralf Rangnick, the RB Leipzig sporting director (and main bad guy).

Tom Wilson, a movie developer at Warner Bros, says:

“It’s just the perfect story as you have no clue at any point what is going to happen.

“The young kid from Africa, the stubborn and, ahem, politically incorrect sporting director, the friendly German in charge of Liverpool – this story’s got it all. Well, all apart from sex, violence and a general plot.”

One of the reasons Warner Bros snapped up the rights is the possibility of producing a sequel based on next summer, when Liverpool are expected to renew their efforts to sign the midfielder.

Image courtesy of Werner100359 via Wikimedia Commons




Signing Jermaine Pennant ‘best thing to happen to Billericay since new train station toilet opened’

The signing of Jermaine Pennant by Billericay Town FC has been declared the best thing to happen to the Essex town since a new toilet was fitted in the train station.

Former Arsenal, Liverpool, Stoke and HM Prison Woodhill winger Pennant today joined the eighth-tier side to loud approval in the local community.

Tom Wilson, a Billericay Town supporter said:

“That toilet is pretty nice. They do a fantastic job at keeping it clean, and the hand drier is one of those automatic sensing ones – which is brilliant for hygiene.

“Signing a former big name like Pennant really adds some glamour to the club and the whole town though.

“We’ve been dreaming of playing in the National League South for some time now, and I really feel we’ve found our winged chariot to take us back to that promised land.

“Well, either that or his £150k salary will suck our finances dry. I suppose whatever happens, we’ll have something to talk about.”

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Ronald McDonald: “Footballers are moany overpaid little bitches”

Ronald McDonald has criticised the entire footballing profession in scathing comments, accusing them of being “moany overpaid little bitches”.

The fast food legend made the comments after leading Manchester United and Real Madrid out at a friendly in the US on Sunday – but they have only been published now as our editor was on holiday so shocked by the remarks.

Asked if he enjoyed leading the teams out and shaking their hands as an honorary guest, McDonald said: “Nah – what a bunch of losers. Apart from that Fellaini, he could be in my crew.

“I couldn’t stand the look of the rest of ’em – these young guys touring the world on million dollar salaries then looking all glum if they spot a journalist a mile away.

“Go and flip burgers instead like normal people! They don’t have the first clue how lucky they are.

“Jeez, you wouldn’t believe how many kids parties I had to go to for peanuts when I started off, just to get to the point when the police complaints stopped, let alone land the McDonald’s gig.

“I started chatting to this Portuguese guy in the coaching box and he was with me one-hundred percent.

“Honestly, I hope no teams bother turning up to the McDonald’s Challenge Super Final game next year.”

Image courtesy of Jozef Kotulic via Wikimedia Commons

Chelsea send Kenedy on loan to Irish bookmaker to improve his social media banter

Chelsea have sent troublesome winger Kenedy on loan to an Irish bookmaker for a season, in a bid to improve his poor social media banter.

The Brazilian created a ‘storm’ by making a couple of offensive posts on the champions’ pre-season tour to China, including a photo of a sleeping Chinese security guard with the text ‘Wake up China, you idiot!’.

The Blues have agreed a deal with the Banty McBanter Face betting company for Kenedy to join their social media department until May.

The company is known for doing literally anything to appear funny, such as parachuting dogs wearing capes featuring its logo into League Cup ties.

A spokesperson for the betting company said: “We are always happy to run funny and offensive gags, though I would emphasise the word funny in that.

“Kenedy is a comic talent we have been tracking for some time, and we believe he has the potential to develop into one of our top viral banter merchants.”

Kenedy has linked up with the bookmaker’s squad immediately to join in a pre-season joke book reading camp in Cork.

A spokesman for Chelsea said: “We had no idea this guy even played for us. We have checked our records and it seems he may have arrived by mistake when one of our previous managers tried to hire the violinist Nigel Kennedy for an event.”

Image courtesy of Chelsea Debs via Wikimedia Commons

Lunatic suggests 38-match league competition is best way to see if Lukaku or Morata is better

A complete lunatic, who doesn’t understand how to debate football, has suggested a 38-match competition might settle the argument over whether Romalu Lukaku or Alvaro Morata is the better signing.

The Twitter user, who is probably a robot, responded to a series of claims about whether Morata’s movement or Lukaku’s finishing makes them better, with a bizarre suggestion.

He wrote: “Why don’t their teams play a 38-match competition from August to May to see who scores more and plays better? You could call it the Premier League.”

The idea is clearly a ridiculous one compared with the much more effective method of Man Utd and Chelsea supporters repeating the same arguments – which viral content providers then put into videos while asking for people to vote for the better player by liking or retweeting.

Tom Wilson, a football journalist active on Twitter, said: “What is the point in playing that many matches and us all having to wait until May to settle this argument?

“This all has to be resolved by Monday morning, at the latest, so that the world can move onto debating whether Neymar or Kylian Mbappé is going to win the Ballon d’Or first.

“Besides, Morata has 6.5m followers on Instagram and Lukaku just 1m, so Morata’s obviously better.”

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Mourinho signs Chewbacca from Disney to partner Fellaini in midfield as US tour continues

Jose Mourinho has signed Chewbacca from Disney, having scouted the Star Wars talent on Manchester United’s US tour.

Mourinho has been looking to add to the aerial threat of the United midfield all summer, having come close to assembling a first eleven in which every player is over 6 foot tall.

Hairy eight-foot giant Chewbacca has been targeted as the perfect partner for Marouane Fellaini – with some viewing the Wookie as the only creature in known galaxies able to make United’s midfield even scarier.

Mourinho is also said to be impressed by 200-year-old Chewbacca’s experience and communication skills that are thought to be up there with the best of his current squad.

The Man Utd manager said: “He can do big things for this club. He is the kind of loyal hard-working monster we want.

“I only have one question mark over him, and I am telling him this right away – how can it be so many people like you?

“I think the answer is Chewbacca needs to work even harder, become tougher – as in football, that is the only way you win.”

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Smirks all round at latest Spurs contract signing at news Shearer earns £450k a year for MOTD

Kieran Trippier and Mauricio Pochettino battled to avoid rolling on the floor laughing their arses off this week as it was announced to them at a contract signing that Alan Shearer earns around £450,000 per year for his contribution to Match of the Day.

While many observers assumed Trippier’s smile might have been due to him doubling his wages to £65,000 per week and Pochettino’s the product of his fatherly love for his players – there was in fact another story.

The pair had just heard news of Alan Shearer’s monster pay as a BBC pundit – with a salary so staggering the Tottenham manager was unable to sit down for the signing of Trippier’s new five-year contract.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” Pochettino was heard saying, adding “I could speak more complete English sentences than he can after two weeks in the Southampton job.”

“I’m in the wrong business,” Trippier added. “My legs might start going in a few years, but as long as Shearer keeps nodding his head and saying ‘I couldn’t agree more, Gary’, he’s going to be raking in half a million a year.”

Image courtesy of Tottenham Hotspur via Twitter

Ten-day bank holiday declared in Liverpool to mark departure of Lucas Leiva

Officials in Liverpool have declared a ten-day bank holiday to allow the city to bid farewell to Lucas Leiva, who has left the club to sign for Lazio.

Some football followers were bemused to see Liverpool fans burst into a special round of applause for Lucas in the 21st minute of their friendly win against Crystal Palace – with a few suggesting the tribute made a ridicule of the Premier League Asia Trophy semi-final in Hong Kong.

Many were quick to point to Lucas’s status as a club legend, however, for a wonderful 2010/2011 season and injury-hit contribution to the 2012 League Cup win.

Tom Wilson, spokesperson for Liverpool Council says: “Liverpool fans love players who mix with the fans, and heavens, Lucas spent enough time on the substitutes’ bench at Anfield you could easily mistake him for a regular in the stands.

“We like to give our heroes a proper send off in this city – who could forget Our Year Of Gerrard celebrations in 2015?

“A ten-day holiday for Lucas seems a fitting idea as it will be one day for each year he spent at the club – or ten days for each trophy he won and goal he scored in the league.

“It will also give us all time off to watch the Premier League Asia Trophy final. Come on Liverpool! Let’s get some silverware back in our trophy cabinet! – if we still have one!”

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