Chelsea send Kenedy on loan to Irish bookmaker to improve his social media banter

Chelsea have sent troublesome winger Kenedy on loan to an Irish bookmaker for a season, in a bid to improve his poor social media banter.

The Brazilian created a ‘storm’ by making a couple of offensive posts on the champions’ pre-season tour to China, including a photo of a sleeping Chinese security guard with the text ‘Wake up China, you idiot!’.

The Blues have agreed a deal with the Banty McBanter Face betting company for Kenedy to join their social media department until May.

The company is known for doing literally anything to appear funny, such as parachuting dogs wearing capes featuring its logo into League Cup ties.

A spokesperson for the betting company said: “We are always happy to run funny and offensive gags, though I would emphasise the word funny in that.

“Kenedy is a comic talent we have been tracking for some time, and we believe he has the potential to develop into one of our top viral banter merchants.”

Kenedy has linked up with the bookmaker’s squad immediately to join in a pre-season joke book reading camp in Cork.

A spokesman for Chelsea said: “We had no idea this guy even played for us. We have checked our records and it seems he may have arrived by mistake when one of our previous managers tried to hire the violinist Nigel Kennedy for an event.”

Image courtesy of Chelsea Debs via Wikimedia Commons

Lunatic suggests 38-match league competition is best way to see if Lukaku or Morata is better

A complete lunatic, who doesn’t understand how to debate football, has suggested a 38-match competition might settle the argument over whether Romalu Lukaku or Alvaro Morata is the better signing.

The Twitter user, who is probably a robot, responded to a series of claims about whether Morata’s movement or Lukaku’s finishing makes them better, with a bizarre suggestion.

He wrote: “Why don’t their teams play a 38-match competition from August to May to see who scores more and plays better? You could call it the Premier League.”

The idea is clearly a ridiculous one compared with the much more effective method of Man Utd and Chelsea supporters repeating the same arguments – which viral content providers then put into videos while asking for people to vote for the better player by liking or retweeting.

Tom Wilson, a football journalist active on Twitter, said: “What is the point in playing that many matches and us all having to wait until May to settle this argument?

“This all has to be resolved by Monday morning, at the latest, so that the world can move onto debating whether Neymar or Kylian Mbappé is going to win the Ballon d’Or first.

“Besides, Morata has 6.5m followers on Instagram and Lukaku just 1m, so Morata’s obviously better.”

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Mourinho signs Chewbacca from Disney to partner Fellaini in midfield as US tour continues

Jose Mourinho has signed Chewbacca from Disney, having scouted the Star Wars talent on Manchester United’s US tour.

Mourinho has been looking to add to the aerial threat of the United midfield all summer, having come close to assembling a first eleven in which every player is over 6 foot tall.

Hairy eight-foot giant Chewbacca has been targeted as the perfect partner for Marouane Fellaini – with some viewing the Wookie as the only creature in known galaxies able to make United’s midfield even scarier.

Mourinho is also said to be impressed by 200-year-old Chewbacca’s experience and communication skills that are thought to be up there with the best of his current squad.

The Man Utd manager said: “He can do big things for this club. He is the kind of loyal hard-working monster we want.

“I only have one question mark over him, and I am telling him this right away – how can it be so many people like you?

“I think the answer is Chewbacca needs to work even harder, become tougher – as in football, that is the only way you win.”

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Smirks all round at latest Spurs contract signing at news Shearer earns £450k a year for MOTD

Kieran Trippier and Mauricio Pochettino battled to avoid rolling on the floor laughing their arses off this week as it was announced to them at a contract signing that Alan Shearer earns around £450,000 per year for his contribution to Match of the Day.

While many observers assumed Trippier’s smile might have been due to him doubling his wages to £65,000 per week and Pochettino’s the product of his fatherly love for his players – there was in fact another story.

The pair had just heard news of Alan Shearer’s monster pay as a BBC pundit – with a salary so staggering the Tottenham manager was unable to sit down for the signing of Trippier’s new five-year contract.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” Pochettino was heard saying, adding “I could speak more complete English sentences than he can after two weeks in the Southampton job.”

“I’m in the wrong business,” Trippier added. “My legs might start going in a few years, but as long as Shearer keeps nodding his head and saying ‘I couldn’t agree more, Gary’, he’s going to be raking in half a million a year.”

Image courtesy of Tottenham Hotspur via Twitter

Ten-day bank holiday declared in Liverpool to mark departure of Lucas Leiva

Officials in Liverpool have declared a ten-day bank holiday to allow the city to bid farewell to Lucas Leiva, who has left the club to sign for Lazio.

Some football followers were bemused to see Liverpool fans burst into a special round of applause for Lucas in the 21st minute of their friendly win against Crystal Palace – with a few suggesting the tribute made a ridicule of the Premier League Asia Trophy semi-final in Hong Kong.

Many were quick to point to Lucas’s status as a club legend, however, for a wonderful 2010/2011 season and injury-hit contribution to the 2012 League Cup win.

Tom Wilson, spokesperson for Liverpool Council says: “Liverpool fans love players who mix with the fans, and heavens, Lucas spent enough time on the substitutes’ bench at Anfield you could easily mistake him for a regular in the stands.

“We like to give our heroes a proper send off in this city – who could forget Our Year Of Gerrard celebrations in 2015?

“A ten-day holiday for Lucas seems a fitting idea as it will be one day for each year he spent at the club – or ten days for each trophy he won and goal he scored in the league.

“It will also give us all time off to watch the Premier League Asia Trophy final. Come on Liverpool! Let’s get some silverware back in our trophy cabinet! – if we still have one!”

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Joe Hart West Ham loan transfer delayed by lack of gimmicky announcement video

Joe Hart’s planned season-long loan deal with West Ham has been delayed by the lack of a gimmicky announcement video to confirm the transfer with.

The Hammers do not want to be left behind in a summer when Premier League clubs have proudly competed to produce cheesy video clips announcing signings.

Co-chairman David Sullivan has experience of producing films in the 1970s, including Mary Millington’s World Striptease Extravaganza and Queen Kong: The Amazonian Woman. Production techniques have developed extensively since then, however.

The club wanted to parachute the England goalkeeper into the London Stadium, but it is currently being used to host the World Para-athletics Championships.

An alternative idea for a video is to show Hart trying to turn up at Man City’s pre-season training where an actor playing Pep Guardiola shouts and tells him to “piss off!”

Hart then notifies an actor playing his agent, who is seen working through the night frantically making phone goals until he gets through to David Gold, who asks “how much?” – making the agent sigh with relief.

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ITV scraps Peter Ndlovu Island after Dave Beasant naked guitar-playing scene

ITV has cancelled its new Peter Ndlovu Island reality show after a controversial scene featuring Dave Beasant playing a guitar wearing only Southampton 93/94 goalkeeping socks.

The broadcaster received record complaints at the revealing choice of camera angles while the former Chelsea and Southampton keeper performed ‘Ging Gang Goolie’ around a campfire next to former Man City substitute keeper Andy Dibble and Liverpool’s Stig Inge Bjornebye.

The programme was to feature 12 unsung heroes of the opening years of the Premier League milling around a studio replica of Coventry’s former Highfield Road Stadium.

The idea was that the former footballers with the worse banter would be continually voted off, until one remaining veteran remained to compete against Peter Ndlovu for a King of the Island crown.

Tom Wilson, an ITV spokesperson said: “It was always a bit of a daft idea, but we were thinking people might watch any old tosh – it’s also the only football you’ll see on our channel until the next international break.

“A lot of people didn’t like the guitar situation – it’s unfortunate, but the strategic placing of a guitar in this sense is trickier than it sounds.

“We don’t blame Dave for it at all. He’s actually pretty chuffed – his Twitter following has exploded, and he will no longer be remembered mostly for once injuring himself by dropping a bottle of salad cream on his foot.”

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“Watching Newcastle every week would drive anyone to drink” says Mike Ashley

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley says watching the club play has inevitably caused him to drink like a fish that constantly thinks it is on a stag do.

Ashley is currently subject to a court case over allegedly promising a £15m bonus to an advisor while drunk – a promise Ashley says he can’t remember making.

Ashley has a simple and powerful explanation for his penchant for intoxication – his football club.

The Sports Direct founder was an aerobics and health food fanatic until taking charge of Newcastle in 2007 – and ten years later the club are producing a special XXXL version of their home shirt just for Ashley.

“It’s quite maddening” Ashley said, when revealing his pre-match routine involves six pints of brown ale and ten minutes giving an imaginary team talk to a mirror in the directors’ box.

“As soon as we ever get on any kind of good run, I’m just waiting for something to snap. I don’t know what causes me to drink more – despair when we’re shite or the fear of the inevitable fuck up when we do well.

“How can you watch this club in every match over a decade – a club not even Keegan, Shearer or Joe Kinnear could save – and not be driven to drink?”

Despite these claims, there is no suggestion Ashley was drunk when offering Alan Pardew an eight-year contract in 2012.

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Spate of vomiting in major cities on Friday night linked to Kyle Walker’s sickening transfer fee

Accident & Emergency departments in hospitals in all major cities reported large numbers of people vomiting on Friday night, with Kyle Walker’s sickening 50m transfer fee blamed.

There is no indication yet of exactly how many people suffered from the condition, but due to the widespread revulsion at the spending of 50 mil on a decent but hardly ever spectacular full-back, many thousands are thought to have been struck.

Tom Wilson, from Essex, was enjoying a night out with his friends when he fell ill.

He explains: “It was just your everyday Friday night, or everyweek, whatever. The lads started with a few Jagerbombs that we mixed down with some lagers and fluorescent vodka shots.

“Then at one place, I dunno where, I went to the toilet and started a bit of passive-aggressive small talk with some strangers.

“One of ’em asked if I’d heard about Kyle Walker. ‘Mate,’ I said, ‘don’t get me started – you just cannot pay 50 million for him, the world has gone well and truly mad.’

“I mean the fella’s only scored four goals for Spurs in eight years – that’s just four more than me.

“You might say Man City have the money with the rapid increase in TV revenue and the strong growth in their overseas image income, but you just can’t be paying that kind of money for a player like Kyle Walker – it’s more than wrong, it’s sick.

“At that moment it all just came spewing out of me, I saw the floor rise up and hit me, and the next I know I’m in a hospital bed.

“It’s maddening, it really is. 50 million for Kyle Walker! It makes you just want to launch an unprovoked assault on a taxi driver, it really does!

“I tell you what – it makes the 200 quid I spent on a night out hospitalising myself look like money well spent, haha!”

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Dani Alves calls Guardiola “greatest man to ever walk the earth” after rejecting Man City for PSG

Dani Alves has called Pep Guardiola “the greatest man to ever walk the earth” after rejecting Man City to join PSG for a bigger pay packet.

The Brazilian full-back has been issuing gushing praise of his former manager from his Barcelona days recently, and has not let up despite rejecting Manchester for the French capital.

“Pep is totally the best ever – we’ve seen some great humans in recent centuries, from Marco Polo all the way up to Muhammad Ali and Michael Jackson, but Guardiola is better than all of them. Put together.

“He’s a football genius – and quite a nice bloke, with an amazing dress sense.

“It’s so exciting to have moved so much closer to Pep – to think I could just hop on the Eurostar, he could head to Manchester Piccadilly and we could meet in London at a few hours’ notice!

“Plus with the extra 100 grand a week PSG are paying me, I can buy him a great present when we next meet – although what can you buy for the manager who has everything!?”

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