Dutch ‘will be physically unable to kick a football by 2030’

Dutch people will be completely unable to kick a football by the end of the next decade, say journalists who have been charting the terminal decline of the sport in the country.

Glossing over the fact the Dutch national team have twice this decade performed better at a World Cup than England ever have in the past 50 years, reporters are certain football will die out in Holland.

Tom Wilson, a Premier League correspondent who occasionally writes about international football says:

“If we look at the chart of Dutch footballing ability since the 1970s, asides from an upswing in the time of Van Basten and Gullit, the general trend is plummeting downwards to complete disaster.

“While some might say missing out on the play-offs on goal difference is unfortunate, it marks a clear loss of basic coordination and physical movement in the country.

“By the time of the 2030 World Cup, it is expected that Dutchmen will have become so disorientated they will struggle to get out of bed in the morning without banging into a wardrobe – let alone manage to sit on a sofa to watch the tournament.

“Clearly this will place the Dutch at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to the war with the machines later in the century, but there is little they can do about it – unless the likes of Memphis Depay fulfill their potential and turn the team’s fortunes around, or the next World Cup happens to go as well as the last two.”

Image courtesy of National Archive Den Haag via Wikimedia Commons

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