Lineker to be barred from UK unless he jokes about his balls in World Cup draw

Gary Lineker is to be denied reentry to the UK unless he gives in to the obvious temptation to make a silly joke about his balls in front of a global TV audience at today’s World Cup draw.

The former England legend, who is either hosting or conducting the draw – nobody really knows – has clearly been thinking of possible innuendos in recent days, having responded to a comment on Twitter asking for a good draw with “My balls are hot!”

Home office minister Tom Wilson said today: “In order to apply a bit of gentle pressure to Gary, let it be clear there’s no way he’s coming back here unless he cracks at least one balls gag.

“It’s one thing cosying up to FIFA in Putin’s backyard, but it would be another thing if you steer clear of a cheesy and slightly risque pun in the name of professionalism.

“It doesn’t even have to be rude – you could pull your hand abruptly out of the bowl and say ‘Jesus, are you trying to burn my hand with that one?’ before drawing Peru from the pot of second seeds to face Russia – in reference to Sepp Blatter’s claims past Uefa draws have been fixed using heated balls.

“If nothing more appropriate comes to mind, we’ll also settle for ‘Suck my balls, you big ugly bastard!’ at any sign of Putin himself at the draw.

“We’ll be watching! Well, I won’t actually as the thing’s gonna last forever so I’ll just check the groups on the news, but my mum will be.”

Image courtesy of Fixers via Flickr

 

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