Jose Mourinho has unveiled a remarkable invention that he claims can grow Luke Shaw’s brain.
The Manchester United manager told reporters he had a surprise at a press conference today, and pulled open a curtain to reveal Shaw strapped to a chair with a copper plate clamped around his head – from which wires were leading to an Apple Mac’s USB ports.
Mourinho referred to Shaw as his “specimen” as he introduced the machine, called the Special 100 Brainomatric.
“Now it is very sad, ladies and gentleman, as I do not like to criticise my fellow managers, but when I arrived at this club I found the specimen had been left with a brain the size of a rodent.
“You cannot compare this to the brains of my other players, which are all koala bear sized or, in many cases, even larger. But I am trying all the time for this club, and so I developed this machine to help grow the specimen’s brain.
“The device is actually very simple, I play clips of great left-backs in history on the laptop – like Ashley Cole and Marcelo, and when the copper on the specimen’s head starts to grow red, I know he is absorbing this knowledge.
“I am optimistic that with four or five hour’s application every day, the specimen can grow his brain to play regularly for Manchester United one day. Who knows, he might even end up working for NASA or managing Porto!”
Mourinho then showed journalists a dial and a red button that are also attached to the machine, which he explained allows you to administer electric shocks.
“Okay I will show you first with 60 volts, but you have to see 200 volts. It’s a funny thing – you see the smoke start to rise from his head!”
On asked what the purpose of the electric shocks are, Mourinho said they are “just a bonus feature”.