Suarez completes greatest ever Snakes and Ladders comeback by finding ‘invisible ladder’

Luis Suarez pulled off what Snakes and Ladders pundits are calling the greatest ever comeback in the game’s history – but only after claiming to have landed on an ‘invisible ladder’.

The Barcelona forward moved from the bottom row all the way to the finish in the sensational move.

Suarez’s French opponent’s counter was on space 98, just one roll of a two away from victory.

Suarez was immediately challenged by his opponent at the Barcelona Club de Snakes and Ladders, and said he had landed on an invisible ladder that you can only see if you look extremely carefully.

“How can it be invisible if you can see it when you look carefully?” the opponent was heard to ask, but Suarez did not reply as he was too busy running around the room celebrating.

Suarez’s opponent then told him to “piss off” and announced he was going home before flipping the board in his face.

“It was absolutely incredible, we’ve never seen anything like it before and we may never see anything like it again,” said Tom Wilson, a Scottish Snakes and Ladders correspondent based in Spain.

“Bloody hell yes!!!” said Michael Owen, who had bet £20 on Suarez to complete the incredible comeback.

Image courtesy of Олег Дубина via Wikimedia Commons



Other La Liga stories on Inside The Far Post:

Real Madrid awarded penalty for opposition scoring

Real fans win World’s Most Fickle Fans award after Ronaldo boos

Hannibal Lector angered by Pepe comparison

Real Madrid to allow Ronaldo to take selfies during matches

Sean Dyche named most metrosexual man in Burnley

Fashion magazine Lancashire Vogue has named Sean Dyche as the most metrosexual man in Burnley.

The Clarets’ manager, known for his suits regularly trimmed ginger beard, has become a leading light of the town’s up-and-coming cultural scene since moving to Burnley five years ago.

45-year-old Dyche, who hails originally from Down South, was for instance photographed last week leaving Burnley’s arthouse cinema after seeing Resident Evil: Final Chapter.

Dyche’s love of skillful foreign footballers, such as Jeff Hendrick and Robbie Brady, also contributed to him receiving the honour.

Burnley locals have celebrated Dyche’s suaveness for proving that “you don’t have to go to Bolton for fancy big-city sophistication” – in the words of Sharon, a 37-year-old we spoke to in a local pub.

After confessing to be a fellow culture lover – with a Netflix subscription for two years – Sharon admitted Dyche’s outstanding sense of style makes him a regular topic among Burnley women.

She said: “How could you fail to be impressed by his dulcet southern tones and smartness. To think in Manchester they have poor haggard Pep – how often does he even shave? – whereas we’ve got our dashing Dychie!”

Image courtesy of Kelvin Stuttard via Wikimedia Commons

Pundit who constantly alternates between praising and rubbishing Klopp told to make his bleeding mind up

A football pundit who has alternated throughout the season between praising and dismissing Jurgen Klopp has been told to try to form an actual opinion and stick with it.

Tom Wilson, who writes and tweets for the Guildford Gazette as their Liverpool FC correspondent, praised Klopp earlier in the week on the Instant Football Opinions podcast for “motivational miracles” in Liverpool’s 3-1 win over Arsenal.

“Look at the way he has turned players like Lallana into world beaters, what a joy it must be to play for Klopp!” Wilson said.

Five days previously Wilson had, however, written that Klopp was a “Teutonic maniac who has no idea how to set a team up to face the rigours of the English season” following the defeat to Leicester.

Wilson admits that he has such difficulty deciding whether Klopp is a miracle-worker or a flop that he keeps a cut-out newspaper photo of the Liverpool manager on a whiteboard in his office, which he moves underneath two headings – entitled ‘great’ and ‘shit’ – depending on the club’s last result.

The host of Wilson’s podcast asked him to state what he actually thinks of Klopp, provoking him into severe confusion.

Wilson said: “Jesus, I just don’t know – I suppose he might not be an all-time great manager yet if he keeps on losing the odd game, but he can’t be rubbish if he wins so many big matches. If only there were something between those two extremes to describe him that would still allow me to pretend to be an amazing judge of football and everyone in it.”

Listeners were unimpressed by Wilson’s uncommitted answer and called on him to resign. One wrote that he is “without doubt the most overrated Liverpool FC reporter in the Surrey area.”

Image courtesy of Paul Robinson via Wikimedia Commons

Alan Shearer to sue Chinese striker who copied trademark goal celebration

Alan Shearer plans to take legal action against a Chinese striker who has copied the former England striker’s legendary goal celebration.

Quan Xo, who plays as a centre forward for Beijing Terracotta Wanderers, raised his right arm after bundling home the winning goal on the opening weekend of the Chinese Super League season.

Footage has also emerged on the internet of Xo adopting a near-identical celebration to Shearer’s twice on a pre-season tour of Mongolia.

Shearer, who was too angry with the incident to appear on Match of the Day last Saturday, has said: “This is really taking the mickey. The technique I had to develop for that celebration came only with countless hours spent on the training pitch perfecting it.

“Roger Milla told me once he wished he’d celebrated like I did instead of dancing with the corner flag, only he didn’t have the technique. It isn’t fair that some guy in China is just copying me, without putting in the effort to develop their own celebration.”

Shearer is studying whether to launch a legal action over copyright infringement.

A Chinese newspaper has asked whether Shearer will also be suing Zlatan Ibrahimovic for copyright infringement after the Man Utd striker elbowed Bournemouth’s Tyrone Mings in the face on Saturday.

Image courtesy of Bill Henderson via Wikimedia Commons

Man tasked to make five-minute highlights clip of Middlesbrough’s season gives up

A man commissioned by Middlesbrough’s official website to produce a five-minute highlights clip of their Premier League season so far has given up, claiming the task is impossible.

Stockton-on-Tees-based video producer Tom Wilson could only put together 90 seconds of footage.

Wilson chose to open the clip with Alvaro Negredo scoring a sublime half-volley against Swansea in Boro’s fourth and most recent win of the season in December.

He then continued with a series of Ben Gibson interceptions, in an attempt to draw attention to the club’s decent defensive record.

Having scanned the club’s 27 Premier League games so far for further noteworthy moments, Wilson then added clips of Aitor Karanka scraping his chin, club legend Juninho eating a sandwich on a visit to the Riverside and celebrity fan Bob Mortimer going to the toilet when Middlesbrough hosted Tottenham.

Wilson says: “When I realised there was still three and a half minutes to fill, I briefly thought about including some Fabrizio Ravanelli goals from 1996/97, hoping that people may have turned off by this stage or otherwise won’t notice the difference.”

Wilson said his conscience got the better of him though, and he has asked the club if he can instead produce a highlights clip of Boro’s FA Cup run – which has seen them score seven goals in thrilling home wins against Sheffield Wednesday, Accrington Stanley and Oxford.

Image courtesy of Chris Page via Flickr

Wenger relieved as BT figures show only 32 viewers tuned in for Arsenal v Bayern

Arsene Wenger was a relieved man this morning after BT Sport’s Champions League viewing figures hit a new low, with only 32 people in the UK tuning in for Arsenal’s embarrassing defeat to Bayern Munich.

Wenger was today seen going to his local post office in North London wearing sunglasses.

He claimed to have seen a forecast for bright skies, but in reality he may have wanted to avoid attention, having expected large numbers of the general public to have watched Arsenal’s 1-5 defeat.

When it was his turn to be served at the counter, the Arsenal manager noticed the postmaster sporting a grin, and asked him if there was anything in particular that was amusing him.

“Just something I saw on the telly last night,” said the postmaster, who clearly did not recognise Wenger.

Benidorm was a right laugh. Did you see Joyce trying to do her speech in Spanish? How embarrassing!”

Wenger then said he had missed it, but that his colleagues Alexis and Petr had been watching Benidorm on a smartphone at work yesterday evening and found it hilarious.

Wenger then expressed his amazement that first-class stamps now cost 64p, as they had been just 20p when he first arrived in England.

The postmaster then said he knows 64p is a lot, but not when you consider one of the houses on one of the local postmen’s rounds pays £15 per month just to get BT Sport when they already pay for Sky.

A BT Sport spokesperson confirmed that there was “room for improvement” in the viewing figures, but added if you count friends visiting subscribers, family members half-watching the game while on Facebook and dogs, viewing figures were above 50 for most of the match.

Image courtesy of joshjdss via Flickr

Arsenal fan astonished to find Champions League quarter-final programme in attic

An Arsenal fan was amazed to find a matchday programme of the club’s last appearance in the Champions League quarter-final in his parents’ attic.

Tom Wilson says astonishingly the publication issued before the meeting with Barcelona in March 2010 was found in near-perfect condition.

Once he had brushed the dust off, the only blemish Wilson could see was where a friend had scrawled “Gordon Brown’s a wanker!” – in a reference to the Prime Minister of the time – above an advert for a new IPhone 3.

Wilson says: “A lot of people don’t believe that I had something as historic as that lying in my folks’ attic. It goes to show you never know what’s up there!”

Wilson said he recalls the game, which finished 2-2 in the first leg, fondly, although his memories are a little blurred by now.

He says: “It was before I travelled the world, met my wife, developed my career, got married, bought a house and had kids, so it does seem a while ago really.”

Wilson enjoyed re-reading the programme, which features an interview with Nicklas Bendtner – who led the Gunners’ attack against Barcelona – entitled “I want to stay at Arsenal and become the next Henry.”

Other gems include a column from Martin Keown backing Arsenal’s defence to stay on top of Barcelona’s strike partnership of Leo Messi and Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Image courtesy of wonker via Flickr


Other Arsenal stories on Inside The Far Post:

Wenger humiliated in chess match in which he refuses to move queen
-Arsene Wenger studies menu for 30 mins in top restaurant, orders chips
Arsenal to recall Wilshere to be dogsitter for Alexis Sanchez
Arsenal to extend Arsene Wenger’s contract by eight years just to see Piers Morgan’s reaction

People angered by footballers’ silly handshake “are not exactly normal”

People who became angry on seeing Harry Kane and Dele Alli celebrate a goal with a silly handshake routine are bizarrely sensitive human beings who should be treated with caution, according to a top psychologist.

Hundreds, if not thousands of people took to their keyboards to vent their displeasure at the Tottenham players, who both scored in a 3-2 win over Everton on Sunday.

Tom Wilson today criticised the reaction in front of a committee of MPs, who postponed a discussion of possible solutions to the Syrian War in order to debate whether the Spurs’ stars were right to celebrate in this manner.

Wilson said: “If you are offended by the way sports stars shake hands, then I fear for you having to negotiate the modern world, when you might see thousands of images every day of people who have silly hair or walk or talk the wrong way.”

Wilson unveiled research on those who were angry at the handshake, revealing:

-84% did not have their own personalised handshake routine with a friend when they were younger

-98% would love to be Harry Kane or Dele Alli

-54% have celebrated scoring a goal in their garden by ripping off their shirt, banging their chest and shouting “have it!”

Wilson added that those outraged by the handshake routine were probably not genuinely angry at it, but instead used it as a convenient chance to vent deeper frustrations.

He said: “You wouldn’t be able to say in every case what those deeper problems are – partners, jobs, an unarticulated resentment of social inequality, maybe even Arsenal losing if they support them.”

Wilson then high-fived the MP for Tunbridge Wells before cartwheeling out of the House of Commons.

Image courtesy of enviro warrior via Wikimedia Commons


Wenger humiliated in chess match in which he refuses to move queen

Arsene Wenger this weekend suffered a crushing defeat in the last 16 of his French village’s chess tournament by refusing to move his queen.

The Arsenal manager decided to leave his most effective piece untouched until the final moves when it was clear he would lose anyway to a local teenager.

Wenger afterwards put on a brave face as he tried to justify the unusual tactic.

He said: “Of course it is a very difficult decision not to use the piece that can do the most damage, but I was trying a new strategy for this match where you attack mostly with your pawns.”

Wenger added that as pawns can become queens in the unlikely event you take it to the other side of the board, they are almost as good.

“I have to stick by my decision, even though of course it is disappointing to lose to a 14-year-old within four minutes,” he added.

Wenger had comfortably won his opening matches of the village chess tournament against an assortment of old age pensioners and drunks.

The defeat in the last 16 continues a worrying run of form for Wenger, who hasn’t won the competition in 15 years.

At one stage Wenger used to dominate the local chess scene, but his form nosedived around the same time people were first able to search for basic chess tactics on Google.

Image courtesy of Paul Blank via Wikimedia Commons


Other Arsenal stories on Inside The Far Post:

-Arsene Wenger studies menu for 30 mins in top restaurant, orders chips
Arsenal to recall Wilshere to be dogsitter for Alexis Sanchez
Arsenal to extend Arsene Wenger’s contract by eight years just to see Piers Morgan’s reaction

Real Madrid awarded penalty for opposition scoring

Real Madrid have been awarded yet another controversial penalty – this time with the referee pointing to the spot to penalise their opponents for scoring a goal.

Real fell 0-1 behind to Benidorm in the 58th minute of a Copa Del Rey match at the Tony’s Irish Bar Stadium on Friday evening.

When Benidorm striker Jose Jorge Julio Juarez pounced on a mistake from Nacho to slide the ball past Keilor Navas, few could have expected the controversy that was to follow.

After awarding the goal, the referee pointed immediately to the penalty spot in the Benidorm area.

Despite fierce protests from the Benidorm players, the match official insisted on awarding a spot kick for denying a goalscoring opportunity.

The referee later explained that by putting the ball in the Real Madrid net, their opponents left them with no chance at all of scoring.

Ronaldo then stepped up an equalised from the spot, and Madrid went on to win 5-1.

Many observers slammed the referee for awarding what may have been Real’s softest penalty of the season – despite there being considerable competition for that title.

Madrid sports newspaper Marca supported the decision, however, even giving the referee 11 out of 10 in its match report.

Marca wrote that as Cristiano Ronaldo has proved he can score from anywhere on the pitch, any time the ball is taken off him or passed to another player counts as denying a goalscoring opportunity.

Marca wrote: “It was wonderful to finally see a referee with the courage to take a stand against opponents with the audacity to score a goal against CR7 and his band of conquistadors.”

Image courtesy of Edmund Gall via Flickr


Other Real Madrid stories on Inside The Far Post:

Real fans win World’s Most Fickle Fans award after Ronaldo boos

Hannibal Lector angered by Pepe comparison

Real Madrid to allow Ronaldo to take selfies during matches