Smirks all round at latest Spurs contract signing at news Shearer earns £450k a year for MOTD

Kieran Trippier and Mauricio Pochettino battled to avoid rolling on the floor laughing their arses off this week as it was announced to them at a contract signing that Alan Shearer earns around £450,000 per year for his contribution to Match of the Day.

While many observers assumed Trippier’s smile might have been due to him doubling his wages to £65,000 per week and Pochettino’s the product of his fatherly love for his players – there was in fact another story.

The pair had just heard news of Alan Shearer’s monster pay as a BBC pundit – with a salary so staggering the Tottenham manager was unable to sit down for the signing of Trippier’s new five-year contract.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” Pochettino was heard saying, adding “I could speak more complete English sentences than he can after two weeks in the Southampton job.”

“I’m in the wrong business,” Trippier added. “My legs might start going in a few years, but as long as Shearer keeps nodding his head and saying ‘I couldn’t agree more, Gary’, he’s going to be raking in half a million a year.”

Image courtesy of Tottenham Hotspur via Twitter

Ten-day bank holiday declared in Liverpool to mark departure of Lucas Leiva

Officials in Liverpool have declared a ten-day bank holiday to allow the city to bid farewell to Lucas Leiva, who has left the club to sign for Lazio.

Some football followers were bemused to see Liverpool fans burst into a special round of applause for Lucas in the 21st minute of their friendly win against Crystal Palace – with a few suggesting the tribute made a ridicule of the Premier League Asia Trophy semi-final in Hong Kong.

Many were quick to point to Lucas’s status as a club legend, however, for a wonderful 2010/2011 season and injury-hit contribution to the 2012 League Cup win.

Tom Wilson, spokesperson for Liverpool Council says: “Liverpool fans love players who mix with the fans, and heavens, Lucas spent enough time on the substitutes’ bench at Anfield you could easily mistake him for a regular in the stands.

“We like to give our heroes a proper send off in this city – who could forget Our Year Of Gerrard celebrations in 2015?

“A ten-day holiday for Lucas seems a fitting idea as it will be one day for each year he spent at the club – or ten days for each trophy he won and goal he scored in the league.

“It will also give us all time off to watch the Premier League Asia Trophy final. Come on Liverpool! Let’s get some silverware back in our trophy cabinet! – if we still have one!”

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Joe Hart West Ham loan transfer delayed by lack of gimmicky announcement video

Joe Hart’s planned season-long loan deal with West Ham has been delayed by the lack of a gimmicky announcement video to confirm the transfer with.

The Hammers do not want to be left behind in a summer when Premier League clubs have proudly competed to produce cheesy video clips announcing signings.

Co-chairman David Sullivan has experience of producing films in the 1970s, including Mary Millington’s World Striptease Extravaganza and Queen Kong: The Amazonian Woman. Production techniques have developed extensively since then, however.

The club wanted to parachute the England goalkeeper into the London Stadium, but it is currently being used to host the World Para-athletics Championships.

An alternative idea for a video is to show Hart trying to turn up at Man City’s pre-season training where an actor playing Pep Guardiola shouts and tells him to “piss off!”

Hart then notifies an actor playing his agent, who is seen working through the night frantically making phone goals until he gets through to David Gold, who asks “how much?” – making the agent sigh with relief.

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ITV scraps Peter Ndlovu Island after Dave Beasant naked guitar-playing scene

ITV has cancelled its new Peter Ndlovu Island reality show after a controversial scene featuring Dave Beasant playing a guitar wearing only Southampton 93/94 goalkeeping socks.

The broadcaster received record complaints at the revealing choice of camera angles while the former Chelsea and Southampton keeper performed ‘Ging Gang Goolie’ around a campfire next to former Man City substitute keeper Andy Dibble and Liverpool’s Stig Inge Bjornebye.

The programme was to feature 12 unsung heroes of the opening years of the Premier League milling around a studio replica of Coventry’s former Highfield Road Stadium.

The idea was that the former footballers with the worse banter would be continually voted off, until one remaining veteran remained to compete against Peter Ndlovu for a King of the Island crown.

Tom Wilson, an ITV spokesperson said: “It was always a bit of a daft idea, but we were thinking people might watch any old tosh – it’s also the only football you’ll see on our channel until the next international break.

“A lot of people didn’t like the guitar situation – it’s unfortunate, but the strategic placing of a guitar in this sense is trickier than it sounds.

“We don’t blame Dave for it at all. He’s actually pretty chuffed – his Twitter following has exploded, and he will no longer be remembered mostly for once injuring himself by dropping a bottle of salad cream on his foot.”

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“Watching Newcastle every week would drive anyone to drink” says Mike Ashley

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley says watching the club play has inevitably caused him to drink like a fish that constantly thinks it is on a stag do.

Ashley is currently subject to a court case over allegedly promising a £15m bonus to an advisor while drunk – a promise Ashley says he can’t remember making.

Ashley has a simple and powerful explanation for his penchant for intoxication – his football club.

The Sports Direct founder was an aerobics and health food fanatic until taking charge of Newcastle in 2007 – and ten years later the club are producing a special XXXL version of their home shirt just for Ashley.

“It’s quite maddening” Ashley said, when revealing his pre-match routine involves six pints of brown ale and ten minutes giving an imaginary team talk to a mirror in the directors’ box.

“As soon as we ever get on any kind of good run, I’m just waiting for something to snap. I don’t know what causes me to drink more – despair when we’re shite or the fear of the inevitable fuck up when we do well.

“How can you watch this club in every match over a decade – a club not even Keegan, Shearer or Joe Kinnear could save – and not be driven to drink?”

Despite these claims, there is no suggestion Ashley was drunk when offering Alan Pardew an eight-year contract in 2012.

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Spate of vomiting in major cities on Friday night linked to Kyle Walker’s sickening transfer fee

Accident & Emergency departments in hospitals in all major cities reported large numbers of people vomiting on Friday night, with Kyle Walker’s sickening 50m transfer fee blamed.

There is no indication yet of exactly how many people suffered from the condition, but due to the widespread revulsion at the spending of 50 mil on a decent but hardly ever spectacular full-back, many thousands are thought to have been struck.

Tom Wilson, from Essex, was enjoying a night out with his friends when he fell ill.

He explains: “It was just your everyday Friday night, or everyweek, whatever. The lads started with a few Jagerbombs that we mixed down with some lagers and fluorescent vodka shots.

“Then at one place, I dunno where, I went to the toilet and started a bit of passive-aggressive small talk with some strangers.

“One of ’em asked if I’d heard about Kyle Walker. ‘Mate,’ I said, ‘don’t get me started – you just cannot pay 50 million for him, the world has gone well and truly mad.’

“I mean the fella’s only scored four goals for Spurs in eight years – that’s just four more than me.

“You might say Man City have the money with the rapid increase in TV revenue and the strong growth in their overseas image income, but you just can’t be paying that kind of money for a player like Kyle Walker – it’s more than wrong, it’s sick.

“At that moment it all just came spewing out of me, I saw the floor rise up and hit me, and the next I know I’m in a hospital bed.

“It’s maddening, it really is. 50 million for Kyle Walker! It makes you just want to launch an unprovoked assault on a taxi driver, it really does!

“I tell you what – it makes the 200 quid I spent on a night out hospitalising myself look like money well spent, haha!”

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Dani Alves calls Guardiola “greatest man to ever walk the earth” after rejecting Man City for PSG

Dani Alves has called Pep Guardiola “the greatest man to ever walk the earth” after rejecting Man City to join PSG for a bigger pay packet.

The Brazilian full-back has been issuing gushing praise of his former manager from his Barcelona days recently, and has not let up despite rejecting Manchester for the French capital.

“Pep is totally the best ever – we’ve seen some great humans in recent centuries, from Marco Polo all the way up to Muhammad Ali and Michael Jackson, but Guardiola is better than all of them. Put together.

“He’s a football genius – and quite a nice bloke, with an amazing dress sense.

“It’s so exciting to have moved so much closer to Pep – to think I could just hop on the Eurostar, he could head to Manchester Piccadilly and we could meet in London at a few hours’ notice!

“Plus with the extra 100 grand a week PSG are paying me, I can buy him a great present when we next meet – although what can you buy for the manager who has everything!?”

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Naby Keita drops Liverpool transfer hint by liking Paul McCartney solo album and Mel C on Facebook

Liverpool transfer target Naby Keita has shown that he really wants to join Liverpool by liking Paul McCartney’s solo album and Mel C on Facebook.

The highly-rated RB Leipzig midfielder, who Liverpool have made a £70m bid to sign, has kept quiet on his future plans, but his Facebook activity has made his intentions clear.

Hidden within the expected musical masterpieces listed in his music likes are the former Beatle’s rubbish solo work and Mel C.

Tom Wilson, an investigative football journalist who spends 95% of his waking hours on social media, says:

“Once again, a transfer target has made his plans clear with his social media activity – allowing journalists to write accurate material on players’ true intentions rather than hugely spun groundless speculation.

“Only someone who is keen to endear himself to the people of Liverpool could like both the McCartney solo stuff and Mel C.

“Even if you found Maybe I’m Amazed okay and agree that the duet Mel C did with Bryan Adams is an agreeable background tune, there is no way you could independently express your liking for the two without an ulterior motive.

“He does appear also to have recently become a fan of Richard Wagner and Johann Sebastian Bach, who both have strong connections to Leipzig – but I’m sure that just means he is trying to be polite to the people there and express his thanks before he leaves the club.”

Frank de Boer vows to transform Crystal Palace into experimental indie band

New Crystal Palace Frank de Boer has promised to transform the club to the extent that they become an experimental indie band.

De Boer has not been shy of voicing criticism of predecessor Sam Allardyce’s unspectacular playing style, and says he will bring the kind of entertainment back to Selhurst Park that has not been seen since a Stone Roses concert there in 1993.

“Let’s face it, we’re not that great at this football thing,” said the Dutchman. “Sure, we’re good for a few big wins every season, but the best we could ever possibly hope for is the Europa League.”

“I want to put some soul back into this club, and we should be looking to make music for that, in my opinion.

“I’m talking about Radiohead, early Muse, The Eels, Moby. We can call ourselves The Eagles, if that band name isn’t taken already.”

De Boer is putting his squad through a crash course in music over the summer. James Tomkins and Wilfried Zaha are expected to be vocalists, with Jason Puncheon on bass and Christian Benteke on drums.

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Sleepwear experts cast doubt on Rooney claim to have worn same Everton pyjamas for 13 years

Sleepwear experts today cast doubt on Wayne Rooney’s claim that he has been secretly wearing Everton pyjamas for the past 13 years.

The England all-time leading scorer made the fascinating claim, which understandably became headline news, after re-signing for the Blues.

However, Tom Wilson, professor of pyjamaology at Merseyside University, says:

“I find it extremely unlikely that he would have worn the same pyjamas for such a long period of time.

“Most people of much more modest means would have varied their sleepwear several times in such a long period.

“As pyjamas are the most frequently worn item in any wardrobe, it’s quite improbable they would stay wearable for half that time – even if you sow patches over any holes that develop.

“Clothes with big printed club badges, as every child who has worn some and mother who has washed them would know, also have a tendency for the badge and lettering to start fading and peeling off after a few washes.

“It’s somewhat possible that Rooney has worn these pyjamas on and off over this time period – at times he would have swapped them when they needed washing, and we find it unlikely he would have worn his Everton pyjamas when engaging in his alleged multiple extra-marital sexual encounters.

“It’s even more likely these pyjamas are in fact just one infrequently used part of his wardrobe – a bit like his England shirt, perhaps.”

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