TV channels drop Carry On films to show Arsenal highlights instead over Easter

TV channels have decided to axe a number of Carry On films from their schedules over the Easter holiday to show back-to-back Arsenal highlights instead.

Tom Wilson, programming director of ITV3, says: “Easter Monday is a day we like to put some real comedy gold on – and you can’t get any funnier than Arsenal’s defending at the moment.

“We just know our viewers will be in stitches when they see defenders on 50 grand a week bumbling around the penalty area not having a clue who they should mark or close down.”

ITV has also cancelled a planned showing of the Wile E Coyote and Roadrunner cartoon on Monday morning. They will instead show Shkodran Mustafi struggling to catch Andros Townsend and Wilfried Zaha as they sprint past the defender.

Another schedule change will see BBC Two remove classic horror film Night of the Living Dead on Monday evening to show something much scarier – Arsenal FanTV interviews following the club’s 0-3 defeat to Crystal Palace.

Channel 4 still plans to show The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on Easter Sunday, despite calls for it to instead show highlights of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s Manchester United.

The TV channel says the film, which was slammed by critics as “a tedious marathon of smokes and mirrors” is far more exciting than United’s recent performances.

Image courtesy of Ronnie Macdonald via Wikimedia Commons


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Klopp bear hug injures Simon Mignolet

Livepool goalkeeper Simon Mignolet is a doubt for Saturday’s match against West Brom after sustaining bruised ribs in the bear hug Jurgen Klopp gave him as the final whistle sounded in Liverpool’s win at Stoke.

Mignolet was jubilant as the manager ran onto the pitch to hug him – at least for the first 30 seconds of the embrace, after which point his cheeks began turning purple and he was heard to say “thanks Jurgen, but it kinda hurts.”

A scan yesterday revealed that the goalkeeper has bruised ribs.

He will continue to train this week with painkillers but club doctors fear his injury might be exacerbated if he plays and gets hugged again at the weekend.

While Klopp’s hands-on celebration style has done wonders for morale at Liverpool, medical staff have long been warning that the German manager is risking injury to his own players with his suffocating vice-like hugs.

The club even appointed a celebration coach earlier in the season who tried to encourage Klopp to adopt alternative ways to celebrate – such as a Steven Gerrard style huddle or racing home after the match to post a smiley archive photo with a series of clapping hand emojis on Instagram.

This celebration coach was slapped on the back by Klopp to congratulate him on the end of his first day and has since been unable to work due to whiplash, however.

Image courtesy of Kev Ruscoe via Wikimedia Commons



N’Golo Kante officially too popular for football hipsters

N’Golo Kante has crossed a point of no return due to his immense popularity and will never again be loved by football hipsters, says a football hipster.

Tommy Wilson, who was watching streamed Chinese Super League highlights while talking to us at an Italia 90 themed cafe in East London, said:

“I was one of the first to bang the N’Golo drum last season at Leicester, but the more I watch Chelsea – which isn’t often to be fair as my favourite team in the Bolivian Second Division seem to always play at the same time – I’m thinking, what’s with the poor scoring record and when is he going to play a killer pass like Fabregas can?

“I mean sure, he’s a very good player, but what’s with the whole circle jerk about him?

Wilson says he disagrees with N’Golo Kante as a choice for PFA Player of the Year and would like to see his Chelsea team-mate Marcos Alonso win the award.

He says his love for Kante finally ended after discovering RB Leipzig’s Naby Keita is a much better – and significantly lesser known – central midfielder.

Wilson compared his attitude to Kante to bicycle trends in East London, saying:

“It’s a bit like fixie bikes. I was one of the first to ride a fixie, but now you’ve got all the suits riding them too just because they think they’re cool, I’ve switched to a mountain bike.”

Image courtesy of Chelsea Debs via Wikimedia Commons

Schoolkid on Liverpool’s books shocks pals by pulling out £1000 in dinner money

A schoolboy who plays for Liverpool has shocked his pals by emptying his pockets and producing £1000 along with the expected assortment of sweet wrappers.

The promising 14-year-old footballer, who recently joined Liverpool from another club, produced a thick wad of cash when paying for a chicken burger and can of coke at his school’s canteen.

He then made his usual complaint to the dinner lady about the school’s failure to install a card reader that could accept his American Express card.

A friend of the footballer said: “It’s not the first time he’s been showing how much cash he has to throw around.

“He’s taken photos of himself in a bathtub full of Curly Wurlies. Then he has this wardrobe full of Dolce & Gabbana jumpers that he takes to the park use as goalpoasts.

“He says his parents are constantly nagging him to buy them the latest IPhone. He refuses though by telling them they’ll just waste their time on it texting and watching crap.”

“God knows where he gets all the money from,” said the friend, before whispering “though I’ve heard a rumour that along with playing, he’s also acting as an agent for the under-12s.”

Image courtesy of Tobias Barkskog via Wikimedia Commons

Mourinho invents machine to grow Luke Shaw’s brain

Jose Mourinho has unveiled a remarkable invention that he claims can grow Luke Shaw’s brain.

The Manchester United manager told reporters he had a surprise at a press conference today, and pulled open a curtain to reveal Shaw strapped to a chair with a copper plate clamped around his head – from which wires were leading to an Apple Mac’s USB ports.

Mourinho referred to Shaw as his “specimen” as he introduced the machine, called the Special 100 Brainomatric.

“Now it is very sad, ladies and gentleman, as I do not like to criticise my fellow managers, but when I arrived at this club I found the specimen had been left with a brain the size of a rodent.

“You cannot compare this to the brains of my other players, which are all koala bear sized or, in many cases, even larger. But I am trying all the time for this club, and so I developed this machine to help grow the specimen’s brain.

“The device is actually very simple, I play clips of great left-backs in history on the laptop – like Ashley Cole and Marcelo, and when the copper on the specimen’s head starts to grow red, I know he is absorbing this knowledge.

“I am optimistic that with four or five hour’s application every day, the specimen can grow his brain to play regularly for Manchester United one day. Who knows, he might even end up working for NASA or managing Porto!”

Mourinho then showed journalists a dial and a red button that are also attached to the machine, which he explained allows you to administer electric shocks.

“Okay I will show you first with 60 volts, but you have to see 200 volts. It’s a funny thing – you see the smoke start to rise from his head!”

On asked what the purpose of the electric shocks are, Mourinho said they are “just a bonus feature”.

Image courtesy of Светлана Бекетова via Wikimedia Commons

Arsenal make secret plans to move to Paris after Brexit

Arsenal have developed a shock plan to move to Paris after Britain leaves the European Union.

Premier League clubs have asked for the government to exempt them from strict work-permit requirements that are likely for Europeans after Brexit.

With 15 players from elsewhere in the EU currently in their squad, the Gunners are set to be among the clubs to suffer the most if the government refuses this request.

Secret documents compiled by the club indicate that in this situation, Arsenal will explore the possibility of moving the entire club to the French capital.

Arsenal executives reckon the drastic move should allow them to remain free to sign all the European players they want, and they hope to persuade the Premier League to permit them to continue to play in the competition.

The plans mention an idea of playing home matches in the 81,000 capacity Stade de France, which could help to boost revenue in order to fund pay rises for Arsene Wenger, Mesut Ozil and Alexis Sanchez.

The club fears a massive backlash from fans if it decides to make the move.

With return fares from North London to Paris starting at around 60 pounds with Eurostar, it points out though that the cost of getting to games will still remain modest compared to Arsenal season ticket prices.

It is also hoped that a move to Paris could help restrict the fan fury vented on social media channels like Arsenal FanTV, due to a law that anything posted on YouTube in France has to be in French.

Paris Saint-Germain may not be best pleased to have a rival team move to their city.

Arsenal hope that PSG’s consistent failure to reach the last rounds of the Champions League means they can find plenty of fans in the French capital though who haven’t already declared their loyalty to the French champions.

On being asked to comment on the secret plans, Arsene Wenger said, with a glint in his eye: “I haven’t seen them. As soon as the club makes any plans for Brexit, I will let you know.”

Image courtesy of davidhc via Flickr


Other Arsenal stories on Inside The Far Post:
-Granit Xhaka slips and takes out postman on way to car

-Arsene Wenger studies menu for 30 mins in top restaurant, orders chips
Arsenal to recall Wilshere to be dogsitter for Alexis Sanchez
Arsenal to extend Arsene Wenger’s contract by eight years just to see Piers Morgan’s reaction
-“Yo Blud, I’m staying in the fam” says Wenger, announcing new contract on FanTV

Bantering shopkeeper tells Moyes “I’ll kick your head in if you show your face in here again”

A shopkeeper in the North East town David Moyes currently lives in has threatened in a good-humoured banterous way to kick the Sunderland manager’s head in.

In remarks that caused some controversy in the local area until everyone realised it was all a joke, Tom Wilson, a 62-year-old Sunderland fan who runs Wilson News, where Moyes buys his morning paper, told him:

“We were a complete pile of tosh the other night at Leicester.

“I think you need to be very careful, ha ha! If we lose to Man Utd on Sunday, I’ll have to kick your head in if you show your face in here again, even though you’re a customer of mine, he he!”

Witnesses in the shop later recounted the incident at the local bus stop.

There was some initial concern over the shopkeeper’s possible anger issues, but when it was mentioned that Moyes put on a brave face and smiled at the threats, locals realised the Sunderland boss enjoyed the encounter.

“You get it a lot in Tom’s shop, he’s always joking away,” said one local. “I was in there the other day behind Susan Grimshaw in the queue.

“‘Mrs Grimshaw, what’s this I hear about the doctor telling you to stop buying cigarettes?’ he said. ‘You better watch out, if you stop spending your pension in here on the fags, it might be your house that goes up in smoke, te he he!'”

Image courtesy of Giovanni Batista Rodriguez via Wikimedia Commons

Gossip: Ibiza clubs to make renewed offers for Vardy this summer

A number of clubs in Ibiza are tracking Jamie Vardy as they plot a renewed attempt in the summer to lure the Leicester and England striker away to work as a party rep.

After the revelation that Jamie Vardy almost quit Leicester to orchestrate mass holiday drinking sessions a few seasons ago, several clubs are looking to pounce again at the end of the season.

The Pulpo club in San Antonio have already made contact with Leicester and Vardy’s representatives as they plan a mouth-watering offer.

Manager Kiki Gola said: “We’re offering free shots at every bar on the pre-club crawl, a guaranteed spot on the guest list for all his mates, wicked tunes – he can even choose them if he wants – and foam parties twice a week.”

The club manager adds that they are preparing to throw in a few hundred quid a month so Vardy doesn’t starve, plus unpaid leave from October to March when they shut for the winter.

Leicester are understood to be concerned the Ibiza club may be illegally tapping Vardy up by sending him photos of the local beach – usually featuring smiling girls in bikinis – in messages saying “wish you were here!”

Craig Shakespeare has vigorously denied the speculation, saying: “There’s no chance Jamie is going to go for this – he’s a married man now with kids, and he’s right at the upper age limit of a Club 18-30 holiday.

“Could you really imagine him swinging his hands in the air and bouncing around to gee up a load of hysterical clubbers?

“Besides, I’ve heard Kavos is the place to be these days, not Ibiza.”

Image courtesy of Pioeb via Wikimedia Commons

Comic Relief to hire David Moyes after ‘joke’ threat to slap female reporter

Comic Relief have announced that they are to hire David Moyes to take part in its next Red Nose Day following the Sunderland manager’s ‘edgy’ joke about slapping a female reporter.

Moyes warned a reporter to be “careful” and joked she might get a slap “even though you’re a woman” after she asked what he said were “naughty questions” about whether his job is under pressure.

With many saying the joke proves Moyes has just as much talent for comedy as he does for football management, Comic Relief are keen to draft in the Scottish manager.

The Glaswegian manager has apparently started to draft his first appeal for the next Red Nose Day, and is expected to say, in a hard-hitting video:

“Come on ye tight gits watching at home, won’t you get off your fat arses for once and ring us up to give us some money.

“If you don’t give us at least a tenner by the end of the show, I’ll personally come round and shove your remote up your arse.

“That applies especially to you old folk sitting around shrinking by the day in your big houses with your spare bedrooms while you fritter away your pension on booze, ye daft bunch!”

Comic Relief has been looking for ways to rejuvenate its showcase event after poor viewing figures were recorded for last month’s Red Nose Day.

Several angry newspaper columnists said the event was struggling as it wasn’t as funny as it used to be, but there was also plenty of competition for viewers.

Channel 5 broadcast a four-hour show called ‘Sunderland’s Biggest Defensive Bloopers of the Season’ on the same night, which many TV critics called the funniest thing ever.

BBC gives Danny Mills easy new job reporting from Ivory Coast

The BBC has appointed Danny Mills to its much coveted role of Ivory Coast football correspondent.

Mills recently criticised Wilfried Zaha for choosing to play for his country of birth rather than England, saying the Crystal Palace attacker took the easy option due to a lack of fight.

BBC HR interpreted the remarks as a possible hint that Mills is suffering from the demands of his occasional appearances on the pundits’ sofa and would like a more comfortable job.

In a gesture of appreciation for his good work, they are to send Mills to the Ivory Coast to cover the 2017 and 2018 league seasons there.

Tom Wilson, a spokesperson for BBC Sport, said: “We are delighted to give Danny his new challenge.

“He’ll be based in Abidjan, but we really want to see him get around the country to cover the provincial clubs so he can make the most of the local road and flight links.

“Between matches we’d also like to give him the chance to report on the blood diamond trade and the battle against malaria – plus any potential Ebola outbreaks in the wider West African region.

“As Danny is a committed journalist, we know he’d leap at the chance to cover these issues.

“As the season runs from the spring to September, unfortunately he won’t be able to come with us to cover the World Cup next year, but he can keep up-to-date with the tournament on our website and all our digital channels – so long as he can find an internet connection out there.”

Image courtesy of jacme31 via Flickr