Gossip: Mourinho keen on signing Ronaldo as backup for Fellaini

Jose Mourinho would welcome the chance to bring Cristiano Ronaldo back to Manchester United in order to provide backup to Marouane Fellaini.

Even though Mourinho did not always see eye-to-eye with Ronaldo when in charge of Real Madrid, he believes he can turn the Ballon D’Or winner into a dependable understudy of his first choice midfield battering ram.

In an interview with Portuguese newspaper O Bolshit, Mourinho said:

“Marouane is a player he we have to protect, because of the international media conspiracy against him, and also because he can’t possibly play 60 matches a season.

“It is crazy, really insane, asking us to play all these matches. But what can I do?

“Then I think, okay, Cristiano is available. He is good in the air, for sure.

“He needs to stop winning headers in the penalty area, drop a bit deeper, grow a bit bigger, work on his elbow swings.

“If he does all this, I think I can be a most adequate stand in for Marouane to head on the long balls from Smalling for a few matches.”

Image courtesy of Ruben Ortega via Wikimedia Commons

FIFA rules board has radical idea to leave football the way it flaming is

The FIFA board responsible for managing the rules of football has proposed a radical new idea of leaving the game alone.

Tom Wilson, a catering worker who overhead the discussions while serving pastries to the members of the board, says:

“There was a detailed debate about a new colour for the arc that corners are taken from, and I butted in and said what’s the big need to tweak things when this is the most played and easily understood game in the world.

“There were some really shocked faces, but after a bit of whispering someone said they can include keeping things the way they are as one of 78 proposals.”

The croissant-server revealed the following are among the proposed rule changes:

-Referees can show green cards to showboaters, which means they have to play the rest of the match on one leg.

-If a player scores a deflected goal, the opposing captain is allowed to punch them in the face.

-Goalkeepers to play in bouncy sumo suits in extra time.

Image courtesy of Ronnie Macdonald via Flickr

N’Golo Kante wins Le Mans 24 Hours in his mini

N’Golo Kante has won the Le Mans 24 Hours race while driving his mini.

The Chelsea midfielder was passing the Le Mans area on his summer holiday in France and decided to stop by and enter the famous endurance race.

Despite missing the first 10 laps, Kante soon closed down on the field and raced in front.

Strangely, Kante says it is only the second time he has ever raced a car.

His first time, on a go kart at a friend’s stag do, resulted in him setting a new land speed record.

An embarrassed Kante refused the offer of champagne on the podium straight after the race.

He pointed out that he was rather hungry after spending 24 hours behind the wheel, and asked for a sandwich.

The French international says he may compete next year to defend his title, if he is in the area, but hopes to drive a tractor to give everyone else a chance.

Image courtesy of Chelsea Debs via Wikimedia Commons

“No way I’m going to Sunderland, it’s too cold and depressing” says Aberdeen manager

Aberdeen manager Derek McInnes says he rejected the chance to manage Sunderland as he couldn’t bear the thought of living in such a cold and depressing place.

McInnes said: “While the chance to coach whoever they don’t manage to offload over the summer was a very appealing one, I’m not sure I could take it there.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been to Sunderland, but it’s miles from anywhere, isn’t it?

“And what are you supposed to do there in your spare time? Tour factories and stock up on coal for the winter?

“I suppose you could go to the training ground and say, wow, Jermain Defoe and Jordan Pickford used to play here once, but on second thoughts, I think I’m okay in Aberdeen.”

A Sunderland spokesperson said the club are aware of the problem of attracting players and managers to the area due to its unglamorous reputation.

The spokesperson refused to deny reports the club is considering moving its training ground to Hartlepool in order to give players the chance to base themselves in a more desirable area.

Image courtesy of vagueonthehow via Flickr

Premier League to create extra day in weekend for more televised matches

The Premier League is planning to create an extra day in the weekend in order to help it show more televised matches.

League officials have grown frustrated that fans oppose the mooted Saturday evening and 7am Sunday slots for extra live games, and see an extra day as an ideal solution.

Premier League chairman Richard Scudamore has approached the Vatican to explore the possibility of making fundamental changes to the Georgian calendar to suit its needs.

A source at the Premier League’s head office says:

“We really need to do something after finding out viewing figures are down for live games – obviously we can’t run the risk of our £8.3bn TV income reducing at all in the future.

“The idea of an extra weekend’s day is especially appealing as we can market the day as being just for watching football – and if you do anything else, you’re a huge loser.

“Worryingly, it seems some people have traditions of doing things on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays other than watching football. We want none of that in our new day.

“A fascinating aspect would be deciding what to call the new day. We’d probably invite the public for ideas before naming it after whatever sponsor offers the most cash.

“Paddy Power and Ladbrokes are already interested, in fact, so we’re thinking of calling it Lad Day – get it? – supported by Paddy Power.”

Premier League bosses hope to complete their plan in time for the first Lad Day supported by Paddy Power to fall in time for the new season between Saturday 12 and Sunday 13 August.

Image courtesy of Ronnie Macdonald via Flickr

Gossip: Medellin cartel make late bid for Pickford due to his great distribution

The Medellin cartel have filed a late bid to scupper Jordan Pickford’s £30m transfer to Everton.

News of Pickford’s legendary distribution has reached the feared group of Colombian drug lords, and the cartel is preparing to make a very attractive offer to Sunderland owner Ellis Short.

A foot soldier working for the cartel told us:

“We’ve been really struggling since we lost Jimmy The Iguana in a shootout a couple of months back – he was gunned down when the semi-finals of the regional cup went to penalties.

“Distribution is everything to us, as I’m sure you can imagine. We looked at taking Joe Hart on loan but he just doesn’t have what it takes in that regard – no offence Joey!

“But Pickford could really be the missing link for us – someone with great potential but all the attributes already there.

“Have you seen his side volleying? Dios mio, we could move so much gear around the barrios with that technique.”

Image courtesy of Sven Mandel via Wikimedia Commons

Football-addicted rats argue over location of League Cup draw following sudden withdrawal

Scientists have noticed that football-addicted rats start arguing about things as trivial as the location of the League Cup draw once football is suddenly withdrawn from their lives.

Researchers at the top-secret facility have shown live football and highlights round the clock on small screens in the rats’ cages over the past year, only to suddenly turn these screens off a few days ago.

Tom Wilson, the head scientist on the project, says:

“It’s incredible. Nobody gives a shit about where the League Cup draw is held, obviously, but a lot of the rats were getting very irate about it, saying it’s in Bangkok and what’s the world coming to?

“Clearly with no actual football to focus their small rat brains on, they are just picking up on small trivial details and trying to make controversies out of them.

“We give them Twitter accounts so they can argue with like-minded rats in other research facilities.

“One of our rodents got a little upset though as he tweeted a load of others to calm down as they wouldn’t be watching the League Cup draw even if it was in their back garden, and he got threatened with being gnawed to death.

“They’re all impacted by the withdrawal but in different ways. One is holding the bars in his cage and weeping all day long, whispering ‘Confederations Cup! Confederations Cup’”

Image courtesy of Angelo Romano via Flickr

 

Historians shocked to discover former Liverpool player who never became a pundit

Football historians have unearthed details of a former Liverpool player who did not become a pundit following his playing career.

The shock discovery concerns Dick Forshaw, a centre forward who helped Liverpool to two titles in the early 1920s.

While the absence of satellite TV channels at the time he retired in the 1930s limited punditry opportunities, it was common for former Liverpool players to appear in Pathe newsreels commenting on other team’s misfortunes.

Tom Wilson, the historian who led the project says:

“I was truly amazed to find this Liverpool player who never became a pundit.

“When even Jason ‘Trigger’ McAteer and Liverpool ‘legend’ David Thompson keep spouting their views, the assumption must be that everyone who played for the club became a pundit at some point.

“I am still investigating why this wasn’t the case with Dick Forshaw.

“There is some speculation he spoke in an unintelligible accent, but with Steven Gerrard’s instant punditry success, we can’t expect that to have been a problem.

“According to his Wikipedia entry, he was sentenced to 12 months’ hard labour for fraud after his retirement for trying to make a £2 bet he won look like a £20 bet.

“One possibility is the fact he won this bet in the first place means he actually could predict football with some accuracy – a quality which doesn’t set you up well for a career in punditry.”

Image courtesy of Tobias Barkskog via Wikimedia Commons

Glenn Hoddle’s commentary sends baby porpoises to sleep, biologists find

Biologists have found that Glenn Hoddle’s co-commentary has a remarkable sleep-inducing impact on baby porpoises.

The discovery was made at the Ocean Land aquarium in Devon at the weekend.

Tom Wilson, lead biologist at the centre, explains:

“One of our porpoises had triplets last month and the little things just won’t sleep – probably because their mother has become very anxious spending her whole life in a swimming pool.

“We’ve tried everything – singing to them, porpoise massages, the works.

“Nothing seemed to help, but on Saturday the bar here had England v Scotland on very loudly.

“There was one point after 25 minutes when Hoddle raised his voice when Lallana ran a few steps with the ball and tried to pass to Kane, saying: ‘That’s a little better from England. If they can keep that intensity up it might not be too long before they’re creating a few chances.’

“Then all of a sudden the crying had stopped in the porpoise tank. They were all flat out!

“We replayed the same commentary last night and they were asleep in a matter of seconds.

“I can’t explain it at all. Maybe there are some magical properties to Glenn Hoddle’s voice, although I don’t know for sure as every time I try to listen to him, I just can’t take anything in.

“It’s like his words come out of my speakers and give up before reaching my ears.”

Image courtesy of Doha Stadium Plus Qatar via Wikimedia Commons

Abramovich pranks Conte with ‘let’s try our youth players instead of spending big’ message

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich sent manager Antonio Conte a prank text message telling him to try developing young players instead of making more big money signings this summer.

The hilarious exchange occurred as the pair relaxed on holidays on giant yachts in various glamorous parts of the world.

Inside The Far Post has obtained a transcript of the exchange:

Roman Abramovich: ‘Hey Anto, hope you’re enjoying your hols, even though I bet your yacht is smaller than mine 😉 I heard you wanna get rid of Costa?’

Antonio Conte: ‘Yeah, he was sexting me again for some reason, and I just told him, you know what Diego, find yourself another club’

RA: ‘Oh. You’ve got a few dozen million to spare for a replacement have you?’

AC: ‘Er no, though I was wondering if you, or, I mean the club might have a transfer budget this summer?’

RA: ‘Nah. Sorry Anto’

AC: ‘What do you mean, Rom?’

RA: ‘There’s no money this summer’

AC: ‘Err, ok…so how am I going to replace Costa?’

RA: ‘Hmm…if only we had a great academy I’ve invested 100 million quid into, a youth team that were European champions two of the last three years, about 200 young players out on loan, or that Batshuayi fella I spent 33 million on.’

AC: ‘Ah ok, so you want me to develop some of the young players? Really?’

Five minutes later – RA: “Nah….only messing with ya, Anto. God, I bet the look on your face must was priceless!”

Image courtesy of John Dobson via Wikimedia Commons