Sunderland ask Premier League to send them down now to avoid further misery

Sunderland have asked the Premier League to relegate them immediately to spare their miserable season ending with a barely audible micro-whimper.

While the Wearsiders could still finish on 39 points if they win all of their last six matches of the season, hope has long since evaporated that they can beat the drop.

When asked about his expectations for the last five weeks of the season, Moyes said: “Christ, you mean to tell me we’ve got another five weeks of this?

“Five more weeks for Wahbi Khazri to prove that I should have been picking him all along?

“Five more weeks for Defoe to think about who he’s going to play for next season?

“Five more weeks of me going around the country trying not to offend any journalists – including women?

“Can’t we just stop now? We could all go to New York again to bond ahead of the Championship season, and all the fans could just concentrate on supporting whoever Newcastle play in the faint hope that they don’t get promoted?”

Image courtesy of vagueonthehow via Flickr

Easter short read: One reason Arsenal are rubbish at the moment

Timing is everything.

That’s a cliche that is actually quite true.

Unfortunately for Arsenal, the timing is all over the place, just like everything else at the club at the moment, when it comes to the question of whether Arsene Wenger will stay or go.

The anti-Wenger bandwagon are right that their club lacks direction and badly needs a shakeup of the kind only a new manager can provide.

A massive problem for the angry Arsenal fans though is that they jumped the gun. When you had smug morning TV presenters baying for Wenger’s head last season – a campaign they finished second in, it was laughable.

As pathetic as Arsenal were against Bayern Munich in the Champions League – a humiliation against Bayern Munich isn’t something the average football fan is going to feel too much empathy for.

Humiliating results now and again are a fact of life for fans of most teams – like getting stuck in traffic on the way back from the stadium or being overcharged for watered-down lager.

I support Reading, for instance, and we just got thrashed 7-1 by Norwich – Norwich! – and it’s still been a really good season.

Arsenal’s problems have spiralled even further in recent weeks. It’s always been clear that Wenger doesn’t spend enough time guiding the players on what to do off-the-ball, or setting up tactics to adapt to opponents’ games.

When their defence is getting torn open time and again by high balls from West Brom and the speed of Crystal Palace’s attack, it’s clear Arsenal need a change.

Before any of this happened though, the Wenger Out ‘movement’ had already become such a sideshow it had lost much of its power to make its point.

Rants, grumbles, banners and anti-Wenger light aircraft have become so expected, an almost permanent backdrop to the club, that they aren’t being linked to the questions that recent shambolic performances are raising.

Then on the other side of the equation, Wenger appears to be waiting for a good time to announce a contract extension.

With the way Arsenal are playing at the moment, he’s in a similar situation to a husband waiting for a good time to announce to his wife that he’s got the babysitter pregnant.

It’s tough to see the Gunners taking more than a couple of unspectacular home wins against lesser teams between now and the end of the season.

Whether a disappointing end to the season – and a finish outside the top four – will be enough for Wenger to take the hint that he’d be doing everyone a favour by taking his coat and leaving, remains to be seen.

It would be a sad way for a legend in football management to go out.

Then again, when it comes to the tricky task of ending managerial spells on a high, timing is everything.

Image courtesy of Ronnie Macdonald via Wikimedia Commons

 

 

Mourinho late for training after polishing trophy cabinet

Jose Mourinho reported late for training earlier this week, it has emerged, and claimed he had been delayed polishing his personal trophy cabinet.

The Manchester United manager told reporters: “I like to give it all a good spring clean every year. My wife does what she can but there are many, many trophies I have won so it’s always a team effort.

“By the time I gave my eight league title winning medals a good shine, I had to nip down to the shop for more polish for the cups and all those world coach of the year things. There was only time to give my honorary doctorate from Lisbon University a brief dusting.

“Then those Champions League medals are real bastards – you wouldn’t believe how much Mr Muscle I had to use on those.

“I got delayed trying to take the name Real Madrid off my Liga and Copa Del Rey honours – I was hoping to bleach it off somehow, but in the end I had to use a chisel.”

News that Mourinho looks after a packed trophy cabinet came as a surprise to the journalists who remembered his habit of throwing his Premier League winner’s medals into the crowd during his first spell at Chelsea.

The medal that was caught by a fan in Stamford Bridge in 2005 was sold on eBay years later for £10,000 to a user called ‘Happy JM’.

Image courtesy of Aleksandr Osipov via Wikimedia Commons

Leicester fans praised for keeping calm and carrying on throwing stuff despite Dortmund attack

Groups of Leicester fans who fought with police in Marid have been praised for their determination to go about their usual business despite the attack on the Dortmund team bus the previous day.

Tom Wilson MP, the Conservative Party spokesman for dickheads abroad, said: “The only way we can defeat terrorism is by carrying on as normal, so it’s pleasing to see some Leicester fans did not allow terrorists planning to cause havoc to stop them from making their own spontaneous drunken havoc.

“What an ideal riposte it was to the terrorists yesterday, when a lot of us were a little shaken reading about what happened in Dortmund, to go to the main square in Madrid and guzzle a few post-breakfast pints while burning the skin off their backs.

“Then to respond to police by throwing bottles at them – well, what finer activity could there be on a spring’s day in a beautiful plaza than violently throwing the glass bottle a waitress has just brought you.

“It’s reassuring to know that whatever darkness terrorists try to inflict on us, the birds are still singing, the flowers are in bloom and the grown men supporting our football clubs are bouncing around, singing incoherent threats and embracing any argy-bargy that comes their way.

“Of course none of us can remember if Leicester had so many arseholes following them the last time they were in Europe in 2000/01, but I’m sure we can all assume they did.”

Image courtesy of 101 Great Goals via Twitter

Tony Adams vows to destroy Radio Rentals as he starts as Granada manager

Tony Adams has made a determined pledge in his first press conference as Granada manager to push rivals Radio Rentals out of business.

The former Arsenal and England manager said: “It’s clear to me there’s only room for one TV rental business in this town.

“My aunt had a telly from Radio Rentals for a while, and all I can say is it cost her four quid a month and every time you tried to pick up Channel 4 it still looked like the docks on a foggy night.

“Then she had to turn the thing off and hide behind the sofa when they sent their debt collectors round.

“I won’t allow my company to offer that kind of crap. We’re going to be looking to the future and offering only colour tellies – proper good ones, and all.

“I’ve got friends who have Japanese tellies and they swear by them, but we’re going to get some in from Korea too, as I hear they are top notch.”

On asked about his plans for the Real Madrid match next month, Adams said: “Well I suppose I’ve got no problem with fellas who want to come along and check the score while their other half’s in the shops.

“If they’re peering through the windows trying to watch some of the game, I’ll make sure they come in at least to see if I can talk to them about our tellies.”

On being asked about what he hopes to see against Vigo at the weekend, he said: “What’s that supposed to mean? Just to check, this is the Granada shop in Romford I’m taking over, is it?”

Image courtesy of Jimmy Morrison via Wikimedia Commons

TV channels drop Carry On films to show Arsenal highlights instead over Easter

TV channels have decided to axe a number of Carry On films from their schedules over the Easter holiday to show back-to-back Arsenal highlights instead.

Tom Wilson, programming director of ITV3, says: “Easter Monday is a day we like to put some real comedy gold on – and you can’t get any funnier than Arsenal’s defending at the moment.

“We just know our viewers will be in stitches when they see defenders on 50 grand a week bumbling around the penalty area not having a clue who they should mark or close down.”

ITV has also cancelled a planned showing of the Wile E Coyote and Roadrunner cartoon on Monday morning. They will instead show Shkodran Mustafi struggling to catch Andros Townsend and Wilfried Zaha as they sprint past the defender.

Another schedule change will see BBC Two remove classic horror film Night of the Living Dead on Monday evening to show something much scarier – Arsenal FanTV interviews following the club’s 0-3 defeat to Crystal Palace.

Channel 4 still plans to show The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on Easter Sunday, despite calls for it to instead show highlights of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s Manchester United.

The TV channel says the film, which was slammed by critics as “a tedious marathon of smokes and mirrors” is far more exciting than United’s recent performances.

Image courtesy of Ronnie Macdonald via Wikimedia Commons

 

Other Arsenal stories on Inside The Far Post:
-Granit Xhaka slips and takes out postman on way to car

-Arsene Wenger studies menu for 30 mins in top restaurant, orders chips
Arsenal to recall Wilshere to be dogsitter for Alexis Sanchez
Arsenal to extend Arsene Wenger’s contract by eight years just to see Piers Morgan’s reaction
-“Yo Blud, I’m staying in the fam” says Wenger, announcing new contract on FanTV

Klopp bear hug injures Simon Mignolet

Livepool goalkeeper Simon Mignolet is a doubt for Saturday’s match against West Brom after sustaining bruised ribs in the bear hug Jurgen Klopp gave him as the final whistle sounded in Liverpool’s win at Stoke.

Mignolet was jubilant as the manager ran onto the pitch to hug him – at least for the first 30 seconds of the embrace, after which point his cheeks began turning purple and he was heard to say “thanks Jurgen, but it kinda hurts.”

A scan yesterday revealed that the goalkeeper has bruised ribs.

He will continue to train this week with painkillers but club doctors fear his injury might be exacerbated if he plays and gets hugged again at the weekend.

While Klopp’s hands-on celebration style has done wonders for morale at Liverpool, medical staff have long been warning that the German manager is risking injury to his own players with his suffocating vice-like hugs.

The club even appointed a celebration coach earlier in the season who tried to encourage Klopp to adopt alternative ways to celebrate – such as a Steven Gerrard style huddle or racing home after the match to post a smiley archive photo with a series of clapping hand emojis on Instagram.

This celebration coach was slapped on the back by Klopp to congratulate him on the end of his first day and has since been unable to work due to whiplash, however.

Image courtesy of Kev Ruscoe via Wikimedia Commons

 

 

N’Golo Kante officially too popular for football hipsters

N’Golo Kante has crossed a point of no return due to his immense popularity and will never again be loved by football hipsters, says a football hipster.

Tommy Wilson, who was watching streamed Chinese Super League highlights while talking to us at an Italia 90 themed cafe in East London, said:

“I was one of the first to bang the N’Golo drum last season at Leicester, but the more I watch Chelsea – which isn’t often to be fair as my favourite team in the Bolivian Second Division seem to always play at the same time – I’m thinking, what’s with the poor scoring record and when is he going to play a killer pass like Fabregas can?

“I mean sure, he’s a very good player, but what’s with the whole circle jerk about him?

Wilson says he disagrees with N’Golo Kante as a choice for PFA Player of the Year and would like to see his Chelsea team-mate Marcos Alonso win the award.

He says his love for Kante finally ended after discovering RB Leipzig’s Naby Keita is a much better – and significantly lesser known – central midfielder.

Wilson compared his attitude to Kante to bicycle trends in East London, saying:

“It’s a bit like fixie bikes. I was one of the first to ride a fixie, but now you’ve got all the suits riding them too just because they think they’re cool, I’ve switched to a mountain bike.”

Image courtesy of Chelsea Debs via Wikimedia Commons

Schoolkid on Liverpool’s books shocks pals by pulling out £1000 in dinner money

A schoolboy who plays for Liverpool has shocked his pals by emptying his pockets and producing £1000 along with the expected assortment of sweet wrappers.

The promising 14-year-old footballer, who recently joined Liverpool from another club, produced a thick wad of cash when paying for a chicken burger and can of coke at his school’s canteen.

He then made his usual complaint to the dinner lady about the school’s failure to install a card reader that could accept his American Express card.

A friend of the footballer said: “It’s not the first time he’s been showing how much cash he has to throw around.

“He’s taken photos of himself in a bathtub full of Curly Wurlies. Then he has this wardrobe full of Dolce & Gabbana jumpers that he takes to the park use as goalpoasts.

“He says his parents are constantly nagging him to buy them the latest IPhone. He refuses though by telling them they’ll just waste their time on it texting and watching crap.”

“God knows where he gets all the money from,” said the friend, before whispering “though I’ve heard a rumour that along with playing, he’s also acting as an agent for the under-12s.”

Image courtesy of Tobias Barkskog via Wikimedia Commons

Mourinho invents machine to grow Luke Shaw’s brain

Jose Mourinho has unveiled a remarkable invention that he claims can grow Luke Shaw’s brain.

The Manchester United manager told reporters he had a surprise at a press conference today, and pulled open a curtain to reveal Shaw strapped to a chair with a copper plate clamped around his head – from which wires were leading to an Apple Mac’s USB ports.

Mourinho referred to Shaw as his “specimen” as he introduced the machine, called the Special 100 Brainomatric.

“Now it is very sad, ladies and gentleman, as I do not like to criticise my fellow managers, but when I arrived at this club I found the specimen had been left with a brain the size of a rodent.

“You cannot compare this to the brains of my other players, which are all koala bear sized or, in many cases, even larger. But I am trying all the time for this club, and so I developed this machine to help grow the specimen’s brain.

“The device is actually very simple, I play clips of great left-backs in history on the laptop – like Ashley Cole and Marcelo, and when the copper on the specimen’s head starts to grow red, I know he is absorbing this knowledge.

“I am optimistic that with four or five hour’s application every day, the specimen can grow his brain to play regularly for Manchester United one day. Who knows, he might even end up working for NASA or managing Porto!”

Mourinho then showed journalists a dial and a red button that are also attached to the machine, which he explained allows you to administer electric shocks.

“Okay I will show you first with 60 volts, but you have to see 200 volts. It’s a funny thing – you see the smoke start to rise from his head!”

On asked what the purpose of the electric shocks are, Mourinho said they are “just a bonus feature”.

Image courtesy of Светлана Бекетова via Wikimedia Commons