Schweinsteiger very happy to act professional and smile for £16m in wages

Former Manchester United midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger has revealed what may be the key to his professionalism during his troubled spell at the club – his whopping £200,000 per week wages.

Football fans accustomed to players whinging at any opportunity have praised Schweinsteiger for his patience throughout the last season after United manager Jose Mourinho made it clear the German legend would not feature in the first team.

A friend of Schweinsteiger said: “Bastian’s a positive guy, but when you get paid close to a million a month, get told you can do your own thing in training and are given every Saturday afternoon off, there’s a lot to be positive about.”

The World Cup winner amassed an estimated £16m from Manchester United between joining in July 2015 and leaving this week for Chicago Fire.

To Schweinsteiger’s credit, he has sought to repay the club in any way he can.

He has routinely posted positive messages on Twitter, and this week released a very nice Instagram video thanking everyone at the club.

Tom Wilson, a warehouse operator who supports Manchester United says: “I don’t know how he did it.  He must have been so frustrated having won the World Cup not even to get a look in for the Europa League games.

“If it was me I would have been tempted to say ‘here’s where you can stick your 16 million quid’ but he’s been a credit to himself and the club.”

Image courtesy of Harald Bischoff via Wikimedia Commons

Roy Keane angrily denies rumours of Strictly Come Dancing appearance

It would appear that Roy Keane will definitely not be appearing in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing after he angrily denied rumours he has been invited onto the show.

With Roy Hodgson having turned down the chance to go on the show, its producers have been looking for another football figure to take part.

Assistant Ireland manager Keane said at a press conference today though: “What? Me on that pile of shite? Never in a million years!

“I can’t even watch the thing for five minutes without wanting to take a hammer to the TV. God almighty, could you imagine actually having to prance around every week taking part?

“Then having to stand and smile there while those judges talk out of their arses and the stupid twats in the audience lap it all up?

“Christ! It’s made Saturday night telly less watchable even than when Noel Edmond’s House Party was on, and that’s saying something.”

After Keane’s rejection, organisers may now approach Jamie Vardy and John Terry – possibly with a view to them entering as a dancing duo.

Image courtesy of Irish Defence Forces via Wikimedia Commons

Rooney confirms plan for England retirement after World Cup to focus on Chinese league

Former England captain Wayne Rooney today confirmed that he intends to retire from international duty after the national team’s disappointing exit from the 2018 World Cup in order to focus on his career ahead in the Chinese Super League.

Rooney, who has scored 53 goals for his country in 113 appearances, spoke to journalists on Skype from his sofa, where he is preparing to watch England’s friendly tonight with Germany.

He said: “I’ve been thinking a lot about my decision, but I really think 2020 or 2022 would be pushing it, and 2018 has to be my last chance on the international stage.

“It’d be perfect to go out by lifting the World Cup in Moscow, though I’d suppose I’d settle for carrying cones at this stage, just in case you’re listening, Gareth?

“After that I’d really like to focus on my challenges in China. I’ll have plenty to work on my – such as trying to find a decent pork pie over there, not to mention finding out how to exchange my wages.

“Talking of which, you don’t know how much 30 billion Yuan is in Pounds, do you? I’m trying to decide which club I want to play for.”

Image courtesy of Football.ua via Wikimedia Commons

 

 

Definition of Blatter’s ban from football probed as he is spotted at Sunderland v Burnley

Lawyers are trying to check the full terms of Sepp Blatter’s six-year ban from football after the former FIFA boss was seen attending Sunderland v Burnley on Saturday.

It has been widely reported that the ban excludes Blatter from attending any matches at an organised level.

Blatter’s lawyer, New York based Tom Wilson said: “There’s nothing at all organised about the way Sunderland play. And Burnley away from home, forget it!

“Mr Blatter is confident the encounter can’t even be classified as football. Most definitions I’ve seen mention two teams trying to put the ball in a target called a goal – yet Billy Jones had a harder job missing that header than scoring it.”

Blatter was spotted in the Stadium of Light’s East Stand wearing a bowler hat and plastic moustache.

He did however disappear from his seat early in the second half to beat the traffic on the way to catch a flight back to Zurich.

On being asked by reporters if he plans to return to the Stadium of Light, he said: “Not after that load of shite!”

Image courtesy of Sputniktilt via Wikimedia Commons

Poll: 72% of country against Wexit as they enjoy seeing Arsenal screw up

A poll has found that 72% of the country are opposed to Arsene Wenger leaving Arsenal as they enjoy the annual spectacle of Arsenal crashing out of the Champions League and Premier League title race.

Just 14% support a so-called ‘Wexit’, 3% don’t know and 11% answered ‘Wexit? Does that mean they are stopping selling Weetabix?”

Tom Wilson, a 44-year-old accountant said: “My life is rubbish at times, but it’s made a little bit more entertaining every year by following the annual implosion at the Emirates.

“I’ve even taken to planning my spring around it. As soon as Arsenal are out of the title race I go to the garden centre to buy some seeds, and when they’re knocked out of the Champions League I set our poncy garden furniture up.”

Experts also say that thousands of Arsenal fans have been calling for Wenger to be sacked for so long that they would struggle to adapt should he leave the club.

This could create some unintended consequences.

For instance, it is believed that most of Piers Morgan’s five million Twitter followers are there to read his hilarious anti-Wenger blow-ups rather than the bigotry and sexism he fills his account with on non-match days.

YouTube sensation Arsenal FanTV is also predicted to struggle for viewers without the regular rants about Wenger.

“Some North London geezer in a baseball cap next season saying ‘That was rather disappointing, but let’s give Thomas Tuchel time’ just isn’t going to be as much of a hit,” warned one media analyst.

Image courtesy of Biser Todorov via Wikimedia Commons

 

Other Arsenal stories on Inside The Far Post:

Granit Xhaka slips and takes out postman on way to car
Wenger relieved as BT figures show only 32 people watched Arsenal v Bayern
-Arsene Wenger studies menu for 30 mins in top restaurant, orders chips
Arsenal to recall Wilshere to be dogsitter for Alexis Sanchez
Arsenal to extend Arsene Wenger’s contract by eight years just to see Piers Morgan’s reaction

Mourinho calls for dressing room redesign due to shortage of naughty corners

Jose Mourinho says he wants to redesign the home dressing room at Old Trafford as he is running out of corners in which to order out-of-favour players to sit in.

Mourinho has ordered Bastian Schweinsteiger, Anthony Martial and Luke Shaw to sit on dinky plastic chairs facing the wall over the past few months.

The cramped nature of the dressing room means Martial and Shaw have been able to wave and talk to each other at times, contrary to their manager’s order to remain silent.

Mourinho says: “There are some things we need to change at this club, and the dressing room is one of them.

“There’s 11 hair-drier sockets in there. We don’t need that. I want things like that taken out, and more space to send naughty players to.

“What if I fall out with Mata again, and then another player comes to me and says ‘Jose, you’re an arsehole’. I’d be short of corners to keep them in.

“This club couldn’t live like that. This club is Manchester United.”

Mourinho is said to favour either an octagon-shaped dressing room with eight potential naughty corners or keeping the current dressing room but adding an underground dungeon.

Should the dungeon be approved, Mourinho plans to ask former assistant Aitor Karanka if he wants to guard it to ensure troublesome players don’t escape and mix with the rest of the squad.

Image courtesy of Aleksandr Osipov via Wikimedia Commons

Arsenal fans cancel fire-breathing parachuting ballerina protest as Wenger wouldn’t see it anyway

A group of protestors calling on Arsene Wenger to quit as Arsenal manager have cancelled a plan to have a fire-breathing ballerina in a ‘Wenger Out’ tutu parachute into the centre circle during Arsenal’s match at West Brom this Saturday.

The fans calling for a ‘Wexit’ have realised that the stunt would be a waste of money as there is no way Arsene Wenger will see it.

The fact that the club’s major shareholder Stan Kroenke will be at home in America watching basketball at the time of the protest has also influenced the decision to scale it back.

A plane with a ‘Wenger Out’ banner is to still fly over The Hawthorns during the game.

One protestor, Tom Wilson, says: “Just ‘cos we’re having a little change in our plans, that doesn’t change the fact we’re angry as hell.

“We’re making a coordinated effort to send out more tweets.

“We’re close to 100,000 tweets that mention both Wenger and ‘fuck off’ this season alone.

“There’s a plan to make a collectors’ edition book out of them that we can sell to fund more protests next season.”

Image courtesy of Wonker via Wikimedia Commons

Aitor Karanka to spend time collecting classic jam jars following Boro sacking

Aitor Karanka says he will take a year’s sabbatical to focus on his classic jam jar collection following his sacking as Middlesbrough manager.

Karanka has appeared to be feeling the strain of management in recent months – as his club’s complete inability to score goals or win matches made him an increasingly unpopular figure among fans and the squad.

The Spaniard feels he needs some time out from the game, and plans to tour the North visiting jumble and car boot sales to pursue his hobby.

He says: “I bought my first classic jam jar in an antique shop in Middlesbrough as a little treat for myself after my first clean sheet in a 1-0 win over Bolton.

“It was a nice curvy Edwardian jar with a silver top. I just saw it and thought ‘I’ll have some of that’.

“Since then I’ve picked up over 400. Ceramic jars, novelty plastic jars, glass jars of course.

“It’s a nice feeling, or was a nice feeling sorry, to come home after a match and take a look at them standing on my shelves.

“They’ve always been there for me, never turned on me – that’s what jam jars are like.”

Image courtesy of Christophe 95 via Wikimedia Commons

 

Other Middlesbrough stories on Inside The Far Post:

Man tasked with making five-minute highlights clip of Middlesbrough’s season gives up

Granit Xhaka slips and takes out postman on way to car

Granit Xhaka slipped and tripped up his postman after leaving his house to go to training this morning.

The postman saw the Arsenal midfielder leaving his house and held out a bunch of letters for him to take, only for Xhaka to slide on a piece of moss on his drive and knock the postman over.

The challenge brought Xhaka a card – a postcard for the Thomsons at number 17, which fell out of the postbag and landed on the Swiss international.

After rolling across Xhaka’s drive for several seconds, the postman then swore repeatedly at Xhaka before whistling and continuing his round.

Rival fans were quick to mock the £30m summer signing for the incident, asking if he can’t even tackle a small bundle of bills how he would handle an item of registered post.

Arsenal fans leapt to Xhaka’s defence, however, saying his passing is superb.

He once passed three misdelivered letters to neighbours on the same day they arrived at his house.

Image courtesy of Fanny Schertzer via Wikimedia Commons

 

Other Arsenal stories on Inside The Far Post:

Wenger relieved as BT figures show only 32 people watched Arsenal v Bayern
-Wenger humiliated in chess match in which he refuses to move queen
-Arsene Wenger studies menu for 30 mins in top restaurant, orders chips
Arsenal to recall Wilshere to be dogsitter for Alexis Sanchez
Arsenal to extend Arsene Wenger’s contract by eight years just to see Piers Morgan’s reaction

Strange but true: Monaco’s Mbappe born after Mmmbop song released

Monaco’s massive strike talent Kylian Mbappe was born a full 20 months after the release of annoying 90s pop single Mmmbop – and if that means anything to you, you are almost certainly too old to ever play professional football.

Wikipedia confirmed this morning that Mbappe was born in a Paris suburb in December 1998, while American teen band Hansen released their frustratingly catchy tune in April 1997.

34-year-old Tom Wilson from Hampshire said, on hearing the news: “Jesus. On the one hand I’m pleased for Mbappe that he never experienced that month or two when those bastards where all over the radio, even as a foetus.

“On the other hand, all that time has gone by, a baby in nappies has grown into a major name in the game and I’m still hanging out with the same losers and spending my nights watching SkySports.”

On being told the Spice Girls were number 1 in the UK charts on the day Mbappe was born, Wilson shook his head.

“You don’t think I’m actually old? I mean proper old, do you?” he asked.

Image courtesy of Supporterhéninois via Wikimedia Commons