Cantona working on painting of seagull dropping Fellaini-shaped turd on child’s head

Manchester United legend Eric Cantona is currently working on a painting that shows a seagull dropping a sticky turd shaped just like Marouane Fellaini onto a child’s head.

The painting, which Cantona is calling La Victoire, seems to in some way be inspired by United’s Europa League victory.

A source close to Cantona says that the Frenchman wanted to make a statement to answer Jose Mourinho’s comments that “poets don’t win titles” in football.

The friend said: “Being a poet, or even an artist, sculptor and actor like Eric, doesn’t always make it easy to win, it’s true.

“But when you do win, you win in style.

“Also you can offend loads of people and still remain really popular. Plus you have cool films made about you.

“Trust me, give poetry a go.”

Cantona’s work is not the only piece of art to have been inspired by Manchester United’s Europa League title.

The association of football poets is close to finishing a reworked version of the popular crowd sonnet ‘Mourinho is a wanker, he wears a wanker’s hat’ to commemorate the triumph.

Image courtesy of Michaël Bemelmans via Wikimedia Commons

Conte forced to hand Manager of Year award to Sunday league coach who shouts “don’t f****ing doze off after scoring!” every week

Antonio Conte has been stripped of his Manager of the Year award in dramatic circumstances after Chelsea’s disappointing FA Cup final defeat to Arsenal.

This year’s award will instead be presented to a Sunday league coach best known for running onto the pitch and shouting “don’t f****ing doze off now, you useless c****s!” every time his team scores.

Tom Wilson, secretary of the League Managers Association, said: “We don’t want to take anything away from Conte’s achievements in Chelsea’s incredible league season.

“We do want to take this sodding award away though after that awful performance in the cup final.

“We all thought his three at the back tactics were pretty special until Arsene Wenger copied them and it turned out Arsenal are even better at it.

“A closer analysis of our history books also revealed that Conte didn’t even invent three at the back as we thought he had – that was Roy Evans at Liverpool in 94/95.

“Okay, he’s still a top manager with the team he’s put together at Chelsea – without making any signings over £35m or recalling a single one of the 10,000 players they have out on loan.

“He could be a bit angrier though couldn’t he? He’s always celebrating, for Christ’s sake.

“That’s why we decided the award should go to this fellow in the Bognor Regis Sunday Veterans League, Andy Kont, who’s faithfully been abusing his players win, lose or draw throughout the years.”

Image courtesy of Clément Bucco-Lechat via Wikimedia Commons

Arsenal plan to pull out of Premier League to concentrate on FA Cup next season

Arsenal want to pull out of the Premier League next season to concentrate on the FA Cup as part of a plan from Arsene Wenger to bring more trophies to the Emirates.

A source at the Gunners said Wenger is livid that injuries and suspensions picked up in the meaningless last few weeks of the season is making Arsenal’s task in Saturday’s final against Chelsea even tougher.

Wenger is said to have identified the FA Cup as a more straightforward route into the Community Shield, another trophy the Arsenal manager is coveting.

Wenger has also complained that the start of next season’s Premier League comes just two weeks after the pre-season Emirates Cup tournament.

“Arsene says if Mourinho is boasting about the Community Shield, he’s going to start counting the Emirates Cup,” said the source.

It is also said that Wenger has admitted he has no interests outside of football, and is viewing a Premier League-free season as a chance to pick up a few hobbies before his eventual retirement at the end of the 2036/37 season.

Arsenal’s players have not been consulted about the plan yet, but the club are optimistic many of them will be happy to fill their many weekends off with sightseeing trips in order to boost their Instagram and Twitter pages.

Image courtesy of joshjdss via Wikimedia Commons

Walter Mazzarri can’t understand strange looks when trying to take training this week

Former Watford manager Walter Mazzarri has been left baffled by a lot of strange looks he has been getting when trying to take training this week.

A friend of Mazzarri, whose translator resigned two weeks ago, says: “Walter noticed a sudden change around a week ago. He feels everyone is looking at him very differently all of a sudden.

“When it first happened he was wondering if Troy Deeney had stuck a post-it note on his back again, but it was the same the next day.

“A few people kept on telling him he was being given a sack of some sorts – but this didn’t make any sense – it’s too early in the year for Christmas presents.

“Then one day he turned up and there were no players there anymore. It was all really strange.

“He rearranged the cones in the cone shed and then sat down to read the Gazetto Dello Sport.

“That’s when he noticed it – the season’s finished. Silly Walter! His English is rather poor and he hadn’t understood it!

“He says he can’t wait to be back in July for pre-season. He wants to go all out and challenge for mid-table next year.”

Image courtesy of Anders Henrikson via Flickr

Big Sam to volunteer to help third world clubs avoid relegation

Sam Allardyce is to take up voluntary work following his resignation as Crystal Palace manager and help clubs in deprived countries avoid relegation.

The 62-year-old explained his move by saying: “It’d be nice to get another job, but Barcelona and Arsenal aren’t interested. Southampton neither, unfortunately, and Watford can save their own arses.

“I’ve been in touch with some voluntary groups and realised there’s a lot I might be able to do to help out in less privileged leagues.

“There’s a club in Djibouti, Cite Stade, who are right at the bottom of the pack with zero points from their first 18 games.

“They lost 13-1 in a relegation six-pointer at the weekend, which is no surprise as their manager is playing some really fancy dan stuff.

“I’m quite tempted to see if Patrick van Aanholt and Kevin Nolan want to come on board, tighten things up down there and make the world a better place.”

Allardyce dropped his smile when asked if he could consider returning to manage Sunderland instead.

“Hey, I said I’m feeling charitable, but not that charitable,” he said.

Image courtesy of Egghead06 via Wikimedia Commons

Sky apologises after cutting to ad break during Millwall pitch invasion

Sky has apologised for cutting to a commercial break just seconds after Millwall fans invaded the pitch following their League One play-off final win.

In a gaffe that might remind older viewers of when ITV showed a Tic Tac advert instead of a last-minute Merseyside derby winner, Sky left viewers outraged at missing the highlight of the play-off final.

Just before the ad break started, an overweight Millwall fan was falling onto the pitch after a failed attempt at a cartwheel while one of his mates tickled a disconsolate Bradford player under the armpits.

One viewer, 60-year-old Tom Wilson from Kent, said:

“I’ve no idea what they were thinking of, but it was a massive insult to all of us who sat patiently through the 90-minute build up.

“I couldn’t have cared less about those mediocre footballers whacking the ball around.

“The director kept on showing the football instead of the Millwall fans, for some reason, and then when it finally starts to kick off they just switched off.”

Sky said the advert break had been booked at the final whistle months in advance.

It points out it made highlights of the pitch invasion available to free-to-air channels for everyone to enjoy on their 10 o’clock news shows.

Sky says due to demand it is considering making a service available on its red button showing constant footage of Millwall fans during their televised games next season.

Image courtesy of Ben Sutherland via Flickr

Good sports Sunderland tried to arrange players to form giant J and T when defending corner

Sunderland attempted to arrange their defenders in giant JT shapes when defending their 26th corner of the match against Chelsea yesterday, in order to add to the tributes to John Terry.

Footage from the upper tier of Stamford Bridge shows the Sunderland men leaving their opponents completely free in the box to form shapes that briefly looked like a J and a T.

A lack of coordination among the Sunderland defenders meant they actually looked more like an X and an N, however.

The corner took place some time between Chelsea’s fourth and seventh goals in their God Knows How Many They Scored in the End – 1 win.

Sunderland manager David Moyes confirmed his players tried to arrange the stunt, saying:

“It was all John Terry’s idea, but we couldn’t be arsed to say no.

“We’ve just been sitting around in silence for the last month after getting relegated, so when someone comes along with a smile and a question, we’re like ‘ok, whatever’.

“I’m sure Chelsea would do something similar for us if, say, err well…say Niall Quinn came out of retirement and then retired again when we played them.”

Image courtesy of Chelsea Debs via Wikimedia Commons

Mourinho’s Facebook friends sick of constant sharing of 2010 Champions League final memories

Friends of Jose Mourinho on Facebook say they are annoyed by his constant sharing of memories from the 2010 Champions League final on the social media platform.

Former Middlesbrough manager Aitor Karanka, who was speaking on condition of confidentiality, said:

“It’s been going on all week. I’ve been reacting with an angry face to every one I’ve seen on my timeline but it’s non-stop.

“It started with him grinning with a few of the Inter players at Marco Materazzi’s house.

“The caption said: ‘Seven years ago: Almost time to start packing our bags. Next stop CL final in Madrid!’.

“You can tell it’s seven years ago as he’s even smiling in some of the pictures.

“Then came memories of the packing itself – ‘Which tie to wear when I lift the trophy?’ with him standing over his tie drawer.

“Then the airport, and the bleeding team hotel. One of him scoffing peanuts in his hotel room laughing as he watches the 2010 Europa League final.

“He was sharing them all. I think we all got the message by now, but I’m sure he’s going to come up with some corny update on the day of the anniversary about ‘I can’t believe it’s seven years since the touch of that trophy lit up my life’ blah blah blah.

“The weird thing is he’s hardly put any posts on his profile in the seven years since.

“I think the last post he made was something like ‘Looking forward to working with Ronaldo and the other lads’ just after he took charge of Real Madrid.”

Image courtesy of Новикова Юлия via Wikimedia Commons

Next goal wins to be called after 85 minutes to liven up Premier League final day

Premier League bosses plan to play next goal wins at the end of Sunday’s final Premier League fixtures in order to make them slightly more interesting.

Broadcasters Sky fear that after Liverpool take the lead against Middlesbrough and Man City do likewise at Watford, viewers will turn off in their droves, expecting that the top four is already decided.

Sky could end up paying more than £10,000 in TV money for every person watching a match on Sunday – with too few tempted to watch for the novelty of seeing their side pick unknown teenagers.

The sadness of seeing John Terry’s final match in a Chelsea shirt is also likely to prevent some from switching on.

By calling next goal wins with five minutes remaining, it is hoped that some fantastic entertainment will be in store with everything suddenly up for grabs again.

There is a plan to tell an angry Pep Guardiola, whose chances of Champions League qualification would be on the line again even though City should be winning 4-0 at this stage, that next goal wins is played every year on the final day of the English season.

Some logistical challenges are expected – for instance, if Burnley and West Ham continue to play until the next goal is scored they are unlikely to finish before midnight.

Every team that concedes the next goal will also be given the option of calling ‘first to three’.

Image courtesy of Sludge C via Flickr

Fourth place more likely to be decided by tooth fairy than Champions League play-off

Fourth place is more likely to be decided by the tooth fairy than a Champions League play-off, an analysis has revealed.

Liverpool and Arsenal have around a one in 600 chance of being completely tied for fourth place – Liverpool need to lose 0-2 at home to Middlesbrough and Arsenal need to draw 1-1 at Everton for this to happen.

Journalist Tom Wilson has calculated, however, that a spike in the loss of milk teeth a month after Easter make it more likely than not the tooth fairy will be in the Liverpool area on Sunday afternoon.

Should a child lose a tooth at Anfield, she may well visit the stadium itself – which Wilson rates as being a one in 10 possibility given the amount of crap kids eat these days.

If this happens, Wilson reckons the fairy might take exception to the amount of middle aged men getting excited about the remote prospect of a play-off.

She could then try to influence the match by forcing Daniel Sturridge off the pitch with toothache or planting gold coins in one of the goalmouths.

Wilson rates this eventuality as a one in 200 chance – and therefore much more likely than a play-off.

Wilson says: “This might come as disappointing news to the newspaper editors who are filling space with empty Champions League play-off speculation, mostly because everything else is already decided.

“I know a lot of neutral fans also liked the idea of a novelty end-of-season match with a big prize at stake.

“In which case I suggest they try watching the FA Cup, Championship play-off and Champions League finals.”

Image courtesy of Mike Beales via Flickr