Poll: What’s the most Spursy thing you’ve ever seen?

The bulldozers have moved into White Hart Lane.

Will knocking down their ground and building a new one from scratch coincide with Spurs finally shedding their long-held reputation as a talented side unable to win things? Who knows?

In the meantime, we are asking you, what’s the most Spursy thing you’ve ever seen?

Diego Costa to wear mankini in final match of season

Chelsea’s Diego Costa wants to wear a mankini in the last match of the season this Sunday.

The Brazilian striker and dressing room practical joker explained his decision to journalists while chasing them around a roundabout outside the champions’ Cobham training ground and  singing a Chumbawamba song through a vuvuzela.

Asked why he plans to wear the revealing outfit, which a decade after the release of Borat remains a popular piece for grooms-to-be to don on stag parties, Costa said:

“Huh? Why the hell not, fat faces? Dilly doo, dilly doo, my mankini will be blue.”

Chelsea’s press officer initially tried to explain the decision as being inspired by a bet made at the start of the season, but has since admitted it is entirely Costa’s choice.

The club have consulted the FA on the matter and were devastated to hear that there are no rules specifically banning players from wearing mankinis.

As long as there is space for Costa’s number 19 on the garment, without any of it being obscured by buttocks or body hair, and the whole stunt is sponsored by an attention-hungry betting company, the FA say they are fine with the idea.

Costa is currently 17/10 in betting markets to wear the mankini.

Despite Costa’s plan, it is not yet certain Antonio Conte will pick the striker after admitting the situation might influence his choice of who to drop for John Terry in the match against Sunderland.

Image courtesy of Aleksandr Osipov via Wikimedia Commons

FIFA disappears into puff of smoke after solving all corruption and racism

FIFA’s entire headquarters has disappeared into a puff of smoke after its president Gianni Infantino declared victory in its mission to rid football of all problems.

In an emotional address to the latest FIFA congress, Infantino said:

“Greetings earthlings – and John Delaney.

“It is my pleasure to announce to you all today that our mission on this planet is over.

“Racism and corruption – the problems I came here to rid our beautiful game from, have been completely solved by our amazing taskforces.

“In every corner of the world – with the possible exception of Athlone – everyone can play fair, free and, most importantly, profitable football.

“Next year’s World Cup will be the first to receive total TV penetration – meaning even unborn children and the recently deceased will watch the tournament.

“We have all the world’s major companies sponsoring the tournament, and others are even paying us not to sponsor it.

“We don’t have to do a thing anymore to make money.”

Camera footage then shows steam coming out of Infantino’s head before he, and the rest of FIFA HQ disappears after a large flash of light.

Seconds later, smoke is seen rising from a muddy field in Switzerland, strewn with gold bars, as a cattle farmer approaches to see what has been left behind by FIFA.

Image courtesy of Juerg.hug via Wikimedia Commons

James Milner out for Liverpool after getting infected by ransomware

Liverpool will be without James Milner for their must-win match at West Ham on Sunday as the experienced left-back has picked up a ransomware infection.

Milner is believed to have frozen while chasing down a loose ball in training on Friday.

Club IT staff immediately tried to restart Milner, only to see a screen demanding a ransom of either $300 or Lucas Leiva.

The notice said that if Liverpool don’t pay by the end of the season, Milner’s entire football experience will be wiped out – including his 61 England caps and his PFA Young Player of the Year Award in 2010.

An angry Jurgen Klopp is said to have confronted the club’s technicians having previously pointed out that Milner is still running on outdated software, and therefore vulnerable to such viruses.

A source at the club says Brendan Rodgers shares some of the blame for failing to upgrade Milner from Windows XP when he was signed in 2015.

Klopp is believed to have made enquiries yesterday with Manchester City about returning Milner to the Etihad Stadium, only to find out that the 18-month warranty on the player ran out in December.

Image courtesy of dom fellowes via Wikimedia Commons

Hollywood producer plans film about Man Utd’s ‘biggest game ever’ v Celta Vigo

A leading Hollywood producer is planning to make a film about Manchester United’s 1-1 draw against Celta Vigo.

The Europa League semi-final second leg was dubbed the biggest match in United’s history by Jose Mourinho.

Producer Tom Wilson wants to recreate the dramatic way the Red Devils clung on to their narrow aggregate lead against the Spanish giants – whose history is second only to the mighty Deportivo La Couruna in the Galicia region.

Wilson says: “This is going to be such a wonderful tale – a group of journeymen assembled for a little over £600 million, who get reduced to their bare bones, and Wayne Rooney, on the eve of their biggest match ever.

“Somehow they take the lead! Then despite their opponents getting 62% possession and having 12 shots, their handsome manager inspires them with threats to drop them for the final.

“The nasty Mexican team need just one more goal, but they fluff an open base in the final minute, and the miracle is complete.

“It truly might be the greatest story ever told!”

The producer did not comment on reports that Bradley Cooper has already been approached for the lead role of Marouane Fellaini, although he did say Matt Damon would be an ideal pick to play Jose Mourinho in the movie.

Image courtesy of Ardfern via Wikimedia Commons

Premier League “astonished” Accrington chairman complained despite getting free PL mug and biro

The Premier League says it is “astonished” that Accrington Stanley’s chairman has accused it of ruining football despite receiving an official Premier League goody bag less than 12 months ago.

Premier League spokesman Tom Wilson says: “Our records show that we sent this gentleman a goody bag last August containing a mug, biro and key fob all featuring our colourful new logo.

“We like to give back to the game, and it pleased us over the winter to think of all the League Two chairmen who could drink from a nice mug instead of a polystyrene cup as they shivered in their portakabin offices.

“That makes it all the more disappointing that people like the Accrington chairman can’t shut up and acknowledge their place at the bottom of the pyramid instead of looking up angrily at their masters.

“We were thinking about sending out a few baseball caps with our logo down to League Two for the summer, provided we can get another billion or two from our Asian TV deals.

“To be honest, we’re not sure any more if we’re going to bother. Those greedy grassroots clubs will just want more, and they hardly give us any marketing exposure anyway.”

Image courtesy of Shovan Sargunam via Flickr

Man Utd to spend £40m on new hospital ward rather than Pogba’s agent this summer

Manchester United have decided to scrap their expensive transfer policy and instead donate £40m to build a new hospital ward this summer.

Club boss Ed Woodward says the Red Devils have no desire to spend huge amounts on an agent for another Paul Pogba-sized mega transfer.

Woodward says: “Come on, don’t take Jose seriously when he moans about his meagre resources – I certainly don’t.

“Even when we rest players in the middle of this monster injury crisis we’re picking a team full of internationals.

“We’ve got the most expensive squad in the world. Christ, how much more money does Jose want us to dish out?”

Despite Mourinho’s initial scepticism, the Old Trafford hierarchy are believed to have convinced the Portuguese manager of the merits of spending £40m on a new ward for Manchester Hospital rather than an agent.

Part of the ward is to be reserved for Manchester United players, with Mourinho given full control over admissions and discharges – meaning he can confine Luke Shaw to a hospital bed to keep him away from training.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s agent, who in a bizarre coincidence also happens to be Paul Pogba’s agent, is also happy with the deal.

He is already in talks with a pharmaceutical company to charge £60m for exclusive rights to research Ibrahimovic’s knee from the new hospital ward – having told a newspaper this week how incredible the player’s knee is.

Image courtesy of football.ua via Wikimedia Commons

48 hours after relegation, 76% of country forgets Middlesbrough were in Premier League

Middlesbrough’s season in the Premier League has proved to be so underwhelming that 76% of the country have already forgotten it ever happened.

Boro were in the unenviable position of being the division’s lowest scorers, without ever being as hilariously bad as Sunderland – therefore dropping out of the top flight almost completely unnoticed.

Lifetime Middlesbrough fan Tom Wilson said: “I’m not too surprised. Sadly our season tailed off badly after it reached its high point with the 2-1 away win at Sunderland in August.

“Then we had…oh hang on, I can’t quite remember…well we took the lead twice against Man City at the weekend. That was pretty cool, even if we were already doomed by then.”

Middlesbrough’s manager, Steve Something (that bloke with the bald head, isn’t it? He may still be caretaker manager, but we’re not sure about that), says:

“The lads have given everything but it wasn’t to be this year.

“Now we need to put the bad memories behind us and focus on next season when…what’s happening next season again? The last nine months are one big blank punctured by a handful of Negredo goals.”

Image courtesy of Chris Page via Flickr

Chelsea to name hotel room after John Terry

Chelsea have announced that they are renaming a room at their Stamford Bridge hotel after John Terry.

The club have made the move while they consider a petition to rename a stand after their long-serving captain, who is leaving at the end of the season.

Tom Wilson, the manager of the hotel, explains: “JT is known around the world for his passion and his eagerness to get stuck in – whether at home or when he has frequently played away from home throughout his long career.

“We’ve heard that before or after his business is done, he appreciates a comfortable mattress and a good shower.

“What better way therefore to celebrate the person that John is than naming a hotel room after him.”

As befits the former England captain’s no-nonsense approach, the newly unveiled JT Suite has a fairly basic look to it.

There is no wardrobe like in the hotel’s other rooms – instead the JT Suite features a table with a sign above saying ‘leave your kit here love ;)’, which is found next to the condom bin.

Image courtesy of Julian Mason via Wikimedia Commons

Klopp: “Let’s make our dry pitch feared all over Europe!”

Jürgen Klopp wants to turn Liverpool’s dry pitch to their advantage, should the Reds cling onto their position in the top four and qualify for the Champions League.

The German manager yesterday blamed the state of the Anfield surface for a toothless 0-0 draw against Southampton, but he was in a much chirpier mood today.

He said: “Ja I was a little angry, and it’s true the pitch didn’t help, although that’s not an excuse, oh no.

“But we can make these disadvantages into advantages too, I feel, and maybe next season we’ll have a lot of teams in Europe fearing to come to the Anfield Desert.”

An incredibly fierce spring in the Merseyside area – with temperatures reaching up to 19 degrees at times – has turned Anfield into a dustbowl.

The pitch’s energy-sapping qualities were all too apparent in Liverpool’s performance yesterday.

James Milner, for instance, even got stuck in sleep mode when Fraser Forster squared up to him before his missed penalty, and club technicians had to reboot the left-back.

With the expectation likely to be off Liverpool’s shoulders if they do make the Champions League, it is hoped the likes of Barcelona and Real Madrid will fear a trip to the arid conditions of the northwest.

“Messi is still managing to score quite a few goals somehow, but can he do it on a muggy night in Merseyside?”  says pundit Andy Gray, who himself is based in a desert in his current role with a Middle Eastern broadcaster.

Image courtesy of Tobias Barkskog via Wikimedia Commons