John Stones annoys cinemagoers by constantly passing popcorn

John Stones annoyed a number of members of the public this week who happened to go to the cinema to watch La La Land at the same time as the Manchester City squad.

Pep Guardiola took the players to an Odeon cinema in Manchester to celebrate his birthday.

However, the sight of England defender Stones constantly turning around to pass his popcorn to anyone in sight ruined the experience for many sat in the rows behind the players.

Tom Wilson, a grandfather from Salford who was at the showing said:

“It was quite nice at first to see a young English lad being so polite. He had a massive bag of popcorn and he was really reaching over to make sure all his team-mates got some.

“This was all fine when the ads were showing. But when the film got going I was just wishing he’d sit still.

“You could see a lot of people were thinking the same way.

“There was a woman with two kids behind him, and it was nice for him to turn around and offer them all some popcorn. The second time the mother said ‘No thank you’ and he just did not get the hint, he kept on every five minutes spinning around to try to pass it to them.”

Wilson said halfway through the film, during a particularly dramatic scene, Stones turned around and offered the family the rest of his bag of popcorn saying he didn’t want any more.

A man from the back row, who was fed up with Stones’ constant movements disrupting his viewing, shouted “just get rid of it!”

Pundit Robbie Savage analysed Stones’ behaviour by watching the cinema’s CCTV cameras and said: “I’m not at all impressed.

“I know nobody wants to criticise too much but this is a 22-year-old at one of the biggest clubs at the world.

“Avoiding buying too much popcorn and sitting still during the showing is the least you’d expect from him.”

Image courtesy of Cazza3012 via Wikimedia Commons

Contrary football hipster vows to continue to support RB Leipzig

A football hipster who enjoys shocking those around him has pledged to continue to support RB Leipzig when the German Bundesliga resumes this weekend.

RB Leipzig are widely nicknamed Beelzebub FC by those who follow German football.

Hostility to the club due to their backing from energy drinks company Red Bull is most intense among trendy hipster-style football followers, however.

Tom Wilson, who lives in a collective with 20 other football hipsters in an abandoned non-league stadium in East London, says Leipzig are “brilliant”, however.

He says: “I know there are those who say fizzy drinks and football shouldn’t mix, but somehow there are more saying that than Qatari oil money or Russian billions shouldn’t be involved in football.”

“To be honest I just try to watch the football, and they’ve got a load of hungry young players pressing all over the pitch – it’s great to watch.

“People tell me all the time they’re evil to be named after a drinks company, and how ridiculous it would be if they make it to the Champions League and come to play at the Emirates or Etihad Stadium.

“When you look at what they’ve actually done though, such as signing Scottish teenagers from Nottingham Forest and hiring an unknown manager from Ingoldstadt, I can’t help wanting them to do well.”

More tense scenes are expected at Wilson’s football hipster collective this weekend when the Bundesliga resumes with Leipzig hosting Frankfurt.

“When we watch the games the other guys just spend most of their time on Google Translate looking for German insults to shout at me.

Arschloch, Schweinemutterficker – I get all of them; it’s really extended my vocabulary.”

Image courtesy of Leander Wattig via Flickr

Man who hasn’t exercised in 22 years complains about footballer wearing gloves in January

A man who has done no real physical activity in over two decades has verbally abused a television screen in a pub that was showing images of a Premier League footballer wearing gloves in January.

Tom Wilson, a 37-year-old part-time van driver from the southwest, was playing pool and drinking beer with friends at a local pub on Friday 6 January while the West Ham v Manchester City FA Cup tie was being shown.

A friend says that Wilson, who was not really following the match, suddenly struck the bottom of his cue on the ground.

In comments that the rest of the pub heard, he then shouted at a televised image of Nicolas Otamendi, who was wearing gloves, telling it he was a “soft so-and-so” who “shouldn’t even be over here if you can’t take the cold!”

The friend said Wilson then started to complain again about Otamendi’s glove-wearing when later taking a break to smoke a cigarette in the pub’s terrace area, which is always kept to a pleasant temperature thanks to a giant overhead heater.

Wilson’s friend said he considered pointing out that as a professional sportsman in a highly competitive and pressured environment, Otamendi probably seeks to gain marginal advantages whenever possible – and clearly counts preserving body heat as one.

The friend said Wilson would struggle to understand the needs of a top athlete, however, having last exercised at secondary school – if you exclude running five yards to the bar when last orders is called.

The friend added that Wilson did not come to the pub last weekend, choosing instead to stay at home to watch Netflix with a takeaway pizza due to the low temperatures.

Image courtesy of PV KS via Flickr

 

Arsenal to recall Wilshere to be dogsitter for Alexis Sanchez

Arsenal’s determination to secure Alexis Sanchez’s future at the club is set to see them recall Jack Wilshere from his loan spell at Bournemouth in order for him to dogsit for the star attacker.

Rumours that Sanchez’s two labradors are unhappy in North London have led to Arsenal fans creating a banner in an effort to convince the dogs to ask their owner to stay at the club.

Sanchez added weight to reports of unhappy pooches by complaining to club officials that the Gunners’ packed fixture schedule has left him struggling to take his dogs for regular walks.

Arsenal are now ready to address the issue by giving Jack Wilshere care of the dogs on match days until at least the end of the season.

Wilshere’s loan deal with Bournemouth is due to run until May, although a clause allows for the England midfielder to be recalled earlier in case of emergency.

Arsenal chief executive Ivan Gazidis said: “We would be delighted to have Jack back at the club, and what better way would there be for him to assist the team than helping Alexis out?”

Gazidis dismissed suggestions that Wilshere might find the dogsitting role insulting by saying: “It’s a serious job for a young man who is proven to be able to get out and stroll around the park on a regular basis – it’s ideal for Jack.

“The only other person you’d be looking for in that role might be a recently retired person who still wants to get out and about, but we don’t have anyone at the club who’ll be retiring any time soon.”

Alexis Sanchez’s dogs, Atom and Humber, appear to be pleased with the plan, writing “woof, woof!” on their official Instagram page.

Image courtesy of Joshjdss via Wikimedia Commons

 

Pep: “If you think Bravo’s goalkeeping is good, you should try his cooking!”

Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola has defended under-fire goalkeeper Claudio Bravo by revealing that he has superb culinary skills.

Pundits and fans were unimpressed by Bravo failing to save a single shot in City’s 0-4 defeat to Everton.

Guardiola, however said: “We can all be playing better right now, but I am confident in Claudio. He is a good goalkeeper, a great passer of the ball and an extraordinary cook.”

Bravo has been known to treat the City squad to samples of his cooking after training and on away trips.

His skills proved to be particularly useful when the Man City squad were offered a deep-fried Mars bar platter at their hotel before their Champions League match away at Celtic.

Empanadas, meat pastries from his native Chile are Bravo’s speciality, but he also learned the knack of making a crisp paella when playing for Barcelona.

His passion for cooking is so great that he is known to fold recipes up and store them in his socks during matches, just so he can better plan his evening meal.

Guardiola is well known for demanding more of goalkeepers than just shot stopping, which is why he replaced club icon Joe Hart with Bravo, who struggles to stop shots.

At Bayern Munich, Guardiola enjoyed having Manuel Neuer in goal, as the German international keeper is also a skilled handyman.

Neuer would often fix TVs and loose fittings at the club’s training ground, while he once showed off his flair for DIY by making a cabinet in his goalmouth during a DFB Cup match at home to Darmstadt.

Image courtesy of Fanny Schertzer via Wikimedia Commons

 

 

 

 

Discoverers of lost town in Borneo jungle find Sven coaching local team

A group of anthropologists who recently discovered that a lost tribe in the Borneo rainforest have settled a small town were staggered to find Sven-Goran Eriksson in charge of the local football team.

Tom Wilson, the Cambridge anthropologist who took part in the expedition along with Indonesian academics, spoke about the incredible situation, saying:

“We had been searching for signs of the tribe for 11 months as nobody knew where they had been for the past seven years.

“We were canoeing everywhere we could, mapping the forest, and finally one of our crew saw a man with a bow and arrow running back from the riverbank.

“We called over and the man returned with another man, who was holding a kind of carved wooden flute.

“We kept our distance as they were clearly nervous but we gestured for the man with the flute to play a song known to the tribe.

“And lo and behold, he played the opening lines of Sven, Sven, Sven – the 2001 hit from comedy music duo Bell And Spurling.

“I burst out laughing, which seemed to make the tribesmen less tense, and they invited us out of the boat to visit their settlement.

“It was much bigger than we imagined; in fact  it was an uncharted town. They even had a little football stadium.

“I went to take a look, and there was Sven waving at me. I could not believe my eyes.

“He shook my hand and apologised that he couldn’t talk for longer as his side were preparing for an Asian Champions League match.

“He seemed to have made the tribesmen into a well-drilled side, and they had even signed Eric Djemba-Djemba to boost their midfield.”

As well as the presence of a football team, another fascinating feature of the town, according to Wilson, was the unexpectedly high number of children with blond hair and glasses.

He says this is likely due to peculiarities in the tribe’s gene pool.

Image courtesy of Doha Stadium Plus Qatar via Wikimedia Commons

Chinese league turns out to be out-of-control Fantasy Football mini league

Following news that Chelsea striker Diego Costa could be the latest star name to head to China in a big-money move,  Shanghai-based marketing consultant Jimmy Dong has revealed that the Chinese Super League is entirely controlled by the Fantasy Premier League mini league that he competes in with work colleagues.

A former worker at the marketing agency set up the mini league five years ago, and Dong says everything was entirely normal for the first three years, with fantasy managers selecting an assortment of Premier League players to compete for the highest points tally.

Dong says that all this changed following a freak thunderstorm that led to a power cut at his office at the end of January 2016.

Once power was restored, he logged onto his Fantasy Premier League account and found his fantasy team, the Beijing Terracotta Wanderers, filled with Chinese players.

When he tried to transfer them out, all the names of Premier League players were blacked out and he was unable to select them. However, the following day Ramires became available and Dong transferred the former Chelsea midfielder into his team.

Dong says: “The price was crazy but he was the only player I could select. Then it took me to this weird screen saying ‘asking bank for loan’ and ‘funds approved’ popped up.”

Dong found the same unusual set-up in the summer as he tried to select his fantasy team for the current season.

At this stage Hulk was available to sign for £50m, which Dong found strange as he was not a Premier League player, but with no other options he signed him.

In recent weeks Dong’s closest friend at work has signed Oscar and Carlos Tevez in the same way.

Dong confesses to only recently realising that there are actual clubs in China whose transfers appear to be controlled by his office fantasy league, a situation he says is “beyond mind-blowing”.

Dong was excited to see that Diego Costa is available to be transferred ahead of the next game week.

He sighed while calling the situation “totally screwed up,” but admitted “I need to get some points quick to stop Tommy Woo in accounts running away with the league, so I better sign Costa up and captain him.”

Image courtesy of Aleksandr Osipov via Wikimedia Commons

Swansea bid to sign ten more Sigurdssons

Swansea are aiming to sign ten new members of the Sigurdsson clan in a bid to boost their battle to avoid relegation.

With Gylfi Sigurdsson being the Swans’ outstanding player so far this season, new manager Paul Clement wants to build a team around him and reckons the closer the new signings are to the Iceland international, the better.

Gylfi Sigurdsson is delighted at the prospect of soon playing in a team full of his namesakes.

He dismissed concerns about a lack of high-level playing experience among his cousins by saying: “None of them are anywhere near the Iceland team, but then again none of the English lads at Swansea are anywhere near the England team.”

The ten Sigurdssons Swansea are to make bids for are as follows:

Filthy Sigurdsson (a no-nonsense centre-back)

Silky Sigurdsson (a 22-year old winger once hailed as the next big thing in Icelandic footballer, but who has failed to live up to the hype)

Tilty Sigurdsson (another winger, known for weaving past defenders)

Willy Sigurdsson (Manchester City’s fourth choice goalkeeper)

Silly Sigurdsson (right back, known for his dressing room jokes)

Wilty Sigurdsson (experienced 36-year-old midfielder)

Sickly Sigurdsson (centre back whose career has been plagued by injury)

Slinky Sigurdsson (left back, also very good at going down stairs)

Kilty Sigurdsson (midfielder who claims Scottish roots when turning up for weddings in kilts)

Guilt-free Sigurdsson (striker, recently cleared of a speeding charge in Iceland)

Paul Clement has, however, dismissed claims that Gylfi Sigurdsson’s mother, Milfy Sigurdsson, is to be offered a role on the club’s coaching staff as “nonsense”.

Image courtesy of Chelsea Debs via Wikimedia Commons

 

 

Whole world: “I would have won Champions League too with Pep’s Barca”

Almost everyone in the world reckons if they had been Barcelona manager at the same time as Pep Guardiola, they too would have won the Champions League.

Warehouse operative Tom Wilson from Stourbridge sums up the international mood by saying: “Come on, just look who he had in that team – Messi, Xavi, Iniesta, Pique, Puyol.

“They’re some of the biggest winners ever in football. You could probably just send them out there with a pat on the back and wait for the medals to come. Tika-taka ka-ching!

“I may have taken six years to master driving a forklift in a straight line, but I’m sure even I could have managed that lot.”

We contacted Mongolian phone salesman Gotya Simkhard to randomly verify this view, and he said: “Of course, come on, Champions League with Barca.

“I think I have a tougher job selling iPhones to needy teenagers to what Guardiola had.”

Just about the only people to disagree have been found to be Frank Rijkaard, whose Barcelona team finished 18 points behind Real Madrid the season before Guardiola took charge, and Gerardo Martino – who along with the late Tito Vilanova was unable to win the Champions League with Barcelona after Guardiola left.

Martino said: “Jesus, it isn’t actually as easy as you think when all the coaches in Europe are spending their days dreaming up ways to beat you and their nights sticking pins into Leo Messi voodoo dolls.”

Image courtesy of Богдан Заяц via Wikimedia Commons

West Ham advertise for new signings on Gumtree

West Ham have posted an advert on Gumtree for new players as their efforts to boost their squad in the January transfer window continue.

The Hammers recently sent a letter to five Premier League clubs asking them to consider loaning them players.

The club are yet to receive any replies, which according to chairman David Gold is due to the slow Christmas post.

The club’s top transfer targets Jermain Defoe and Robert Snodgrass are also yet to reply to Facebook messages from West Ham, despite little ticks underneath the messages indicating they read them over the weekend.

The Hammers are now trying their luck on free adverts website Gumtree.

West Ham have posted under the ‘Sports partners wanted’ section of the East London & Dagenham version of Gumtree.

The advert is titled: “Ambitious East London team seeking new players for regular weekend games.”

The advert opens by noting that West Ham play in new facilities just a few minutes’ walk from the East London Westfield centre.

It continues to say the club is looking for reliable defenders in particular, who must be able to compete with James Collins for a spot in a team.

It notes that it is desirable for applicants to be able to play “deep and meaningful passes” up to the club’s top striker, Andy, around 10 times per year when he is fit to play.

It says it is vital any budding players can earn “proper Premier League wages” of at least £20,000 per week.

The advert ends by asking interested players to contact David by phone and notes that “no timewasters or friends of Simone Zaza need apply.”

Image courtesy of John Seb Barber via Flickr