N’Golo Kanté makes Southern Rail train run on time just by sitting on it

Commuters on a Southern Rail train last week were shocked that it ran on time for the first occasion in seven years.

Remarkably, the train’s unexpected good performance appears to have been caused by N’Golo Kanté sitting in the corner of Carriage F by the luggage rack.

Chelsea midfielder Kanté took the 7:18 from Brighton to London after visiting friends on the south coast.

Tom Wilson, a 44-year-old solicitor who has taken this train almost every day for the past 15 years says:

“I have never known anything like it. The train was rumbling along, and I was thinking it was much quieter in the carriage than usual.

“I realised they hadn’t played any of the usual automated messages saying ‘We’re sorry to announce that this service is delayed'”.

The train arrived into London Bridge station 30 minutes ahead of schedule. Many of the commuters opted to take a break to drink a coffee in an unusually warm patch of sunshine that followed the train all the way from Brighton.

Kanté, who is on course to take his second Premier League title in a row with his new club Chelsea, has never in his life been on a train or plane that was late.

His ability to perform perfectly and make everything around him operate like clockwork appears to be the cause of this remarkable fact.

We asked Wilson, who is a Chelsea fan, what Kanté was like, as he booked the seat next to him:

“Huh? Kanté sat next to me on the train?

“I was on Facebook the whole time posting updates about my commute. Oh yeah, now you mention it there was this short guy to my right sitting there quietly.

“I didn’t really notice him to be honest.”

Image courtesy of Chelsea Debs via Wikimedia Commons

“We pick on you because you’re a moany git” FA tells Mourinho

The Football Association has admitted to Jose Mourinho that it does single him out for special disciplinary treatment, but only because he is such a moany git.

Mourinho angrily questioned the way he is dealt with by football’s authorities after Manchester United’s 0-0 draw at home to Hull on Wednesday.

The Portuguese manager was told to sit down by the fourth official during the second half when he wanted to instead stand up and loudly complain about something.

The FA yesterday issued a surprise response to Mourinho’s allegations of unfair treatment.

A post on the website of the FA disciplinary panel said:

“God, Jose, of course we pick on you. Only because every time we see your miserable face a flood of anger surges up inside us.

“Haven’t you ever heard that frowning strains your facial muscles more than smiling? We’ve only ever seen you smile for a total of seven seconds despite winning three league titles.

“Do you really think we’re going to treat a one-man random moan generator like we do Jokey Jurgen? Even the corners of Arsene Wenger’s mouth have been known to lift into a smiling position on occasions.

“As for Conte and Pochettino – they both seem like nice chaps to us. Pep? Okay we’re just a bit intimidated by him – as he’s so damn smart and intelligent.

“But really, Jose, lighten up! You’ve got a solid defence, plenty of exciting attackers and you’re well in contention still for the Champions League spots – things aren’t that bad when you look at them that way, are they?

“Take a chill pill, dude! What was all that the other week after losing in the league cup? ‘It’s a draw because their second goal was offside’.

“Are you Donald Trump’s cousin or something? Next you’ll be walking around saying ‘we’re top of the league really as someone hid a giant super magnet at the top of the Stretford End to attract the ball and make all our shots miss the target’.

Image courtesy of Aleksandr Osipov via Wikimedia Commons

Three ways to lose money betting on football this weekend

With the Premier League barely having the chance to catch its breath after a dramatic set of midweek fixtures, it is already time to scrub those boots and lift those moods – we’re talking to you Jose Mourinho and Arsenal fans – ahead of a big weekend.

If you enjoy throwing money away at the bookies with as much relish as a Chinese Super League club investing in aging South Americans, why not try our three sure-fire tips to lose cash betting on football this weekend:

Invest in Arsenal’s mental strength at Chelsea

Arsene Wenger wheeled out his much-heard “we weren’t mentally prepared” excuse – amazingly without blushing – after Arsenal’s embarrassing 1-2 home defeat to Watford on Tuesday.

Well, we could go on for a while, but let’s just say if Arsenal aren’t up for a must-win home match as the season heads into the final few months, are they really going to hit top gear again a few days later at leaders Chelsea?

We don’t think so.

But if you’ve got money to burn, you can back Arsenal to win at Chelsea at odds of 10/3

Back West Brom to keep Stoke out

Aha – many a punter might say, sturdy West Brom at home to unexciting Stoke, the hosts are sure to keep a clean sheet, no?

Wrong, wrong, wrong! The Baggies, with their slightly more appealing football this year, have slacked up a little at the back – something that has gone largely unnoticed in their good season so far.

Numbers don’t lie, and West Brom’s 14 goals conceded at home in 11 games is more than leaky Leicester have let in.

Stoke for their part are in a rich run of form – unbeaten in four matches – inspired by big Peter Crouch’s return to the starting line-up.

Crouch, can you believe, now has four goals in six games, while a certain Saido Berahino must be gagging to grab his first Stoke goal at the home of the former employers he hates.

West Brom are 13/8 to keep a clean sheet if you have a few quid to waste

Bet on Burnley to beat their away blues at Watford

As tough and spirited a bunch Burnley are at home, it just won’t happen for them on the road.

Sean Dyche’s men have a pathetic one point to show for their ten away trips so far, having scored just four goals.

They’re due an away win, you say? Perhaps, but don’t count on that to happen at a Watford side who must be on a huge, unexpected high after their midweek win at Arsenal.

Burnley are 3/1 to win at Watford if you want to lodge more of that hard-earned cash with your favourite bookmaker

Don’t blame us if we’re wrong – like all tipsters we have no idea what we’re talking about!

Image courtesy of davidhc via Flickr

Real fans win World’s Most Fickle Fans award after Ronaldo boos

Real Madrid fans have been named the 2017 winners of the World’s Most Fickle Fans Award after Cristiano Ronaldo faced jeers this week in the club’s 3-0 win over Malaga.

The Real supporters appeared to be annoyed that their side were not winning after 20 minutes of the midweek clash and jeered the Ballon d’Or winner after he gave the ball away.

Ronaldo then responded by assisting Mateo Kovacic to put Real ahead and making it 2-0 himself with a delightful chip – an action that even the most disgruntled supporters at the Bernabeu cheered.

Some supporters at Real Madrid have become unhappy at the team seeing their 40-match unbeaten run end earlier in the month.

As Barcelona are now four points behind and Real have just one game in hand, it is still a remote possibility that Real do not win the La Liga title, making the followers nervous.

These fans say next time the club should go 400 matches unbeaten, and they should always be at least 2-0 ahead after 15 minutes of play.

FIFA has responded by ending its search for the year’s most fickle fans at the start of February.

Despite some competition from a handful of Liverpool fans who have been calling radio stations in the past week to demand Jurgen Klopp is sacked, the World’s Most Fickle Fans award is to be presented to the angry Real fans.

Miniature trophies are to be fixed to the seats at the Bernabeu of everyone who booed Ronaldo, to give them the choice to shove it up their backside or stop going to matches.

Image courtesy of Goatling via Flickr

Transfer deadline day ‘crap unless you like unknown footballers and big numbers’

75% of football fans reckon transfer deadline day is a big pile of over-hyped crap, unless you happen to enjoy reading about footballers you’ve never heard of and very large sums of money.

The survey of four fans did find that 25% reckon transfer deadline day to be the most exciting day of the year. As it actually happens twice a year, that answer was deemed to be incorrect, however.

This year’s January transfer deadline day is expected to focus on a battle between Sunderland and Crystal Palace to prove who is the most desperate to pick up panic buys in the hope this will steer them away from the relegation zone.

Other highlights include teams at the top end of the table trying to offload deadwood – such as Chelsea giving away Branislav Ivanovic and Liverpool selling Mamadou Sakho.

Tom Wilson, a software developer from London, summed up the mood of the sceptical majority by saying: “The guy who sits behind me in the office was following a live transfer blog which saved me the hassle. Frankly, with the US in crisis and a fantasy team to update before Liverpool v Chelsea tonight, I can’t be arsed with another sodding deadline day.

“He was just saying that it looks like Palace are going to sign Luca somebody. He couldn’t even pronounce his surname. He read the fee out, but I can’t remember if it was five, 12 or 25 million – it all means nothing to me.

“I never know if any of these players are actually going to make an impact in the Premier League, but I have a clever way of finding out – waiting to watch the actual football.”

Image courtesy of Michael Kjaer via Wikimedia Commons

Liverpool fan who bored colleagues with constant Klopp praise now strangely silent

A Liverpool fan who has been boring work colleagues over the past year with his constant praise for Jurgen Klopp was today unusually quiet.

Workmates of Tom Wilson, an accountant at an industrial bearings company in the South of England, say they are used to him taking any possible opportunity to voice his approval of the Liverpool manager.

For instance, on being asked in the office canteen if he had a good weekend, Wilson would often launch a brief rant about how Klopp is a master of attacking football who is going to sort out the Reds’ leaky defence to help the club to conquer the world.

These monologues would usually end with “if anyone can, Kloppo can. He’ll just gegenpress it!”

Colleagues say if you then asked Wilson how his lunch was, he would usually joke: “Klopp-tastic!”

A colleague reported that Wilson was in a very different, more sombre mood today, however. This could be linked to Liverpool winning just one of their past eight matches.

Wilson was pacing around the canteen, white in the face, and frequently stopping by the window to look up into the sky. At other times he stared at his watch.

“What are you looking at?” asked the colleague when Wilson stopped by the window.

“I’m looking out for Sadio’s plane,” he said. “It’s due to land in the next half an hour.”

He then placed his sands together and whispered: “Sadio, our saviour, may the Almighty protect you, and help you delivereth three points on Tuesday!”

Image courtesy of Paul Robinson via Wikimedia Commons

 

Transfer window to stay open as ‘super agent’ Jorge Mendes has a cold

FIFA says that it will keep the January transfer window open for a few days into February as Jorge Mendes is suffering from a cold.

The so-called super agent, who counts Ronaldo, Jose Mourinho, Diego Costa and David de Gea among his clients, fell ill after completing his 71st transfer of the month last week – the sale of Benfica’s groundskeeper Luis Mouher to Chinese Super League side Beijing Terracotta Wanderers.

FIFA president Gianni Infantino says the world’s governing body decided to act after realising a number of big-money deals could fall through without Jorge Mendes’s involvement.

Infantino says: “We need to keep the window open longer as combined transfer fees in Europe have barely even broken the £500m mark. I know, it’s pathetic!

“All this saving, or hoarding as I call it, just can’t be good for the game. I hope Jorge gets well bloody soon!”

A source close to Mendes says he has been making the most of his time off by putting the final touches to the squads of the French second division from his mountain-top retreat.

As soon as he feels better he will ring the managers of Ligue 2 to let them know who will be in their squad for their next game, and which of their players need to arrange a helicopter to join a rival.

Image courtesy of Blatant World via Twitter

 

 

 

Donald Trump reveals he supports Rotherham United

New US President Donald Trump declared yesterday after a joint press conference with the Prime Minister that he supports Championship strugglers Rotherham.

The news that Trump is a Millers’ fan surprised the media representatives.

He claims to have fallen in love with the town when visiting in 1998 in an ill-fated attempt to turn Yorkshire into a giant golf course.

“Man I love Rotherham. I adore that club” said Trump. “I know they’ve got a great guy in charge there, Shane Warne, and he’s going to do some wonderful things.”

Rotherham are currently bottom of the Championship, nine points shy of breaking out of the relegation zone.

Trump blamed the club’s transfer policy for their current plight.

“It can’t be the case any longer that our best players are being taken by Blackburn and Cyprus. That has to stop. Enough. We’re Rotherham!

“If we’d kept Matty Derbyshire in the summer we’d be at least in the Champions League by now.”

Trump then praised the club’s fans, saying they were the best in the world.

“Jeez how many did we take to Elland Road the other week, 500,000? That tells you everything you need to know about how great the Rotherham supporters are.”

Trump said he remained optimistic in the squad’s talents.

“We just gotta win another 20 or 30 games this season and we’ll make the play-offs easy. That’ll be no problem.”

While many Rotherham fans might be pleased for the club have gained a powerful new follower, question marks were raised about whether Trump’s support is linked to his business dealings with the Millers’ other famous fans, the Chuckle Brothers.

Trump signed an executive order last week to purchase £500m of ‘Chuckle Brothers: The Best Bits’ DVDs, apparently so that they can be shown when interrogating inmates at Guantanamo Bay.

Image courtesy of Ali Shaker/VOA via Wikimedia Commons

Real Madrid to allow Ronaldo to take selfies during matches

Real Madrid are prepared to offer Cristiano Ronaldo the chance to take selfies during matches as part of a new contract.

The new deal has been proposed after Chinese clubs this month made a series of world-record bids for the four-time Ballon d’Or winner.

Ronaldo has picked up a massive following on Instagram, but many of his millions of fans have complained about the lack of updates during matches.

The Portuguese legend even went close to three hours without posting any photos in October after a Copa del Rey match in Granda went to extra time.

The move promises to be controversial, but Read Madrid are confident there is nothing in the rules of Spanish football forbidding selfie-taking on the pitch.

La Liga rules do not allow footballers to take objects to the field that may give them an advantage, such as a bionic extra leg.

There is nothing to expressly forbid selfies though, according to an insider at the Bernabeu.

The source said that Real coach Zinedine Zidane approves of the idea, and is set to appoint a team-mate to carry a selfie stick in their socks to help Ronaldo photograph himself – Gareth Bale is said to be an early favourite for this, once he recovers from injury.

Zidane is confident that Ronaldo will not use his phone camera during open play and will mostly deploy it while celebrating goals.

Real Madrid are also seeking to discuss with the Spanish FA whether Ronaldo can be permitted to remove his shirt on the pitch when taking a selfie without being shown a yellow card.

The club point out that his topless selfies get five times as many likes.

Image courtesy of Ruben Ortega via Wikimedia Commons

Arsene Wenger studies menu for 30 mins in top restaurant, orders chips

Arsene Wenger studied the menu for 30 minutes in a posh North London restaurant on Tuesday before ordering a plate of chips.

Inside the Far Post sat down with Wenger at the Belle Coutin in Islington to celebrate our recent launch.

“Ah what a great life it is as a Premier League manager,” said a smiling Wenger on greeting us.

“We’re second in the league and I can go to fantastic restaurants like this whenever I want.”

After studying the wine list for several minutes, Wenger said: “Did you know that this is the only place in London where you can find a 1974 Bordeaux? An exquisite, world class wine.

“But I am going home to take notes on a Belgian league match later, so I’ll have to go for a tap water.”

Wenger then picked up the food menu and spent an unusual length of time reading through the options. He then looked up and said:

“Ah, they have real Hyogo Kobe beef steak. The very finest in the world – no question. You are best avoiding red meat when you get to my age though.

“As for their seafood risotto though, it’s even more succulent than the ones they serve on the Cote d’Azur. Always a little greasy though, Risotto, so maybe not this time.

“Marinated Scottish salmon. You can’t go wrong with salmon – it’s crisp, tasty and easy on the stomach. Personally I am against salmon farming though; it’s a horrible practice.”

A waiter then appeared at the table, with Wenger ordering a plate of chips.

“How much is a plate of chips here?” he then asked us. “I forgot to check, damn. Do you think you can take a menu off the next table and have a look?”

We then informed Wenger that chips were £6 per portion.

“Six quid for chips!” he said “That tells you everything that is wrong with London these days; it’s crazy.”

When the chips arrived, Wenger stuffed a few in his mouth, then said “sorry, I do apologise, but I have to go as I’m looking after Alexis Sanchez’s dog at the moment.”

He left us with the remaining chips, and the bill.

Image courtesy of Rajasekharan Parameswaran via Wikimedia Commons