Internet users have been warned not to search for Romelu Lukaku’s heatmap from Man Utd v Liverpool on Saturday as it has frozen over – placing screens at risk.
Tom Wilson, a heatmap expert – and one of the few people in the country who can draw meaningful conclusions from the colourful blobs thrown into match reports – says:
“We’ve seen some chilly heatmaps before – when we had Berbatov and Adebayor in the Premier League, for instance – but I think this is the first time one has actually frozen.
“There was a tiny trace of heat around the centre circle as Lukaku applauded De Gea’s save, then a couple more in the dressing room from when he went to check his text messages after the final whistle.
“You can’t blame Lukaku himself too much, of course, when Mourinho set his side up to be as attacking as a sedated goldfish.
“Next time Man Utd go away to a major club, we would advise him to send Lukaku out with a hot-water bottle to prevent his heatmap freezing and perhaps an armchair to rest on too – all that standing around is bad for the knees.”
Image courtesy of Ardfern via Wikimedia Commons