“Watching Newcastle every week would drive anyone to drink” says Mike Ashley

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley says watching the club play has inevitably caused him to drink like a fish that constantly thinks it is on a stag do.

Ashley is currently subject to a court case over allegedly promising a £15m bonus to an advisor while drunk – a promise Ashley says he can’t remember making.

Ashley has a simple and powerful explanation for his penchant for intoxication – his football club.

The Sports Direct founder was an aerobics and health food fanatic until taking charge of Newcastle in 2007 – and ten years later the club are producing a special XXXL version of their home shirt just for Ashley.

“It’s quite maddening” Ashley said, when revealing his pre-match routine involves six pints of brown ale and ten minutes giving an imaginary team talk to a mirror in the directors’ box.

“As soon as we ever get on any kind of good run, I’m just waiting for something to snap. I don’t know what causes me to drink more – despair when we’re shite or the fear of the inevitable fuck up when we do well.

“How can you watch this club in every match over a decade – a club not even Keegan, Shearer or Joe Kinnear could save – and not be driven to drink?”

Despite these claims, there is no suggestion Ashley was drunk when offering Alan Pardew an eight-year contract in 2012.

Image courtesy of Johnvedwards via Wikimedia Commons

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