The world has reacted with astonishment that Roy Keane did not punch a young Rory McIlroy for asking for his autograph.
“It’s just incredible,” said an unnamed Uzbekistani postman, “I can only assume he caught Roy on a very, very good day.”
“You have to bear in mind that McIlroy was probably a goofy young guy in full golf gear and a baseball cap – you have to admire Keane’s restraint for not even spitting or swearing in his face.”
It is believed that Keane is not a fan of autographs in general, having called them “pointless timewasting scraps of paper that losers hold up to say ‘look at me, aren’t I a big man for going all weak in the knees and shoving a biro in someone’s face'”.
Keane revealed in his 2010 autobiography What the Fuck Are You Looking At? that when he was a young man he used to instead collect blood samples from his heroes on a tattered cloth.
He would bring a rock that he would ask celebrities to smash over their knuckles to leave a smear of their blood on his cloth – which he then set fire to at the age of 13 in a bout of teenage rage.
Image courtesy of Irish Defence Forces via Wikimedia Commons